this ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race

Fall Out Boy were amazing. They sung most of my favourite songs, and had a great stage presence. I am so, so happy I finally got to see them. They were so worth it. It was amazing to be a part of the mosh, screaming along to all the lyrics with everybody else. I realised that quite a lot of the songs on Save Rock and Roll are meaningful, Pete Wentz said a few things about how people are told that it gets better, when it most often doesn't, and we just have to learn to deal. Some people think that young people are stupid when they identify so much with bands and songs, and claim that music has saved their lives, but it's really true. Music has saved me quite a few times. Maybe not Fall Out Boy specifically, but realising that a few of their songs were written with very meaningful messages just makes me love them more. Yea so what, maybe they're the new punk rock, or emo, or whatever. They are a fucking amazing band, and they were great to see live, and music can save people. I think last night might just be the best night of my year. I'm just so glad that I got to see them. The whole concert was just great. The people there were all really nice, and it's so good when you're in a nice mosh. I bought myself a shirt, a red mens singlet, but oh well. I liked it the best. I bought Milly a shirt too.

This whole little holiday has been really great. It is so good to see Alex and Ben again, and to spend more time with Berry. He's such a cute little baby, he looks so much like Ben. And he's so big. The last time I was here I really only got to see him for like half an hour, because I was with David. We went shopping yesterday, had some sushi, got my tattoo (a semi colon on my ribs/boob/side). I went shopping today, went to the Glebe markets. I bought a dress for Kitty's wedding, a shirt for Bek for Christmas, and books, lots of books. I'm borrowing maybe five from Alex, and I bought three today for cheap. A lot of the time we're just chilling at Alex's though, playing with Berry (and trying to get him to sleep!), watching Supernatural, and being on tumblr. And you know what? It's great. Like I seriously love that I'm not super busy with heaps to do this weekend. It's great that I could come down for a concert and not go back the next day. I always feel like I go away, but I never holiday. It's res school here, or drive to Sydney to pick up stuff there, or concert and back the next day. It is good to be able to just chill out, to not have so much to do.

I was hoping to see Janika, but she doesn't have anywhere to live in the city yet, so hopefully next time I'm here. I think I have rough plans with Kitty for tomorrow, but we'll just see how that goes.

I have to see David. Apparently it's unavoidable. I messaged Mel because I was just going to go there to get my suitcase, and she said she'd drop me back. But apparently they're super busy, and David must be pissed that I wasn't texting him (I honestly thought he wouldn't be there, he's supposed to live in Campbelltown now, and I was hoping I wouldn't have to see him), and at like 4pm he said he'd swing it around "later", so I texted him like half an hour ago to just tell him not to worry about it, I'd go over there tomorrow, but apparently he's still going to drop it around later. So I'm hoping he has enough sense to just drop it and go, because I don't want to spend any time with him. Last time we argued, he was all "why do you hate me so much?" like seriously, how does he not get it? And I don't actively hate him, I just don't think about him until I have to, and he's just been so fucking useless lately. And nasty. I have a right to be angry. The man practically left me to kill myself, refused to bring my stuff back, and hadn't even looked through it until I went down, 18 months later. It's not like him leaving me to kill myself is something that I will ever forgive, he has to realise that he fucked up hugely, and deserves nothing. I mean, he's like an emotional rapist, and I never use the term rapist lightly. He was just so fucking awful, and why does he think that I'd ever want to talk to him ever again? I'm still planning on deleting him from my facebook after this. At least I know, now that they're moving out of the house, that I have all of my stuff back. And I need that suitcase because I have so many extra books to take home.

Even with all that, I still feel fucking amazing today and lately. I hope that when I see David, he realises how good I look (because I do look good) and how happy I am and how much time I don't have for his ass and I hope it eats him alive. Cause yea, I'm bitter like that in my moments, and I don't even care. Hopefully I never feel the need to cut myself because of a depression that he caused ever again. I am finally happy, and things are finally good, even though they haven't changed much. And yea, I'm still medicated, but you know what, that's ok. 

19:24

nostalgia

I tidied off the bookshelf in the kitchen today. Took down the folders on the top of it, got covered in dust. You know what's good for cleaning dust off things? Baby wipes. The folders had all our primary school achievements in them. Awards, merit cards, report cards, participation certificates. For me and Bek. Emma had one too, but there wasn't much in it. In Emma's folder she'd drawn a big "I (heart) David Trasey," didn't even spell his name right. That guy is so tangled up in my past. I remember when Emma and I were 12 or 11, must have been 2000, Mel and the kids came up, there's photos of us all together in the back yard. I remember Emma and her crush. Sometimes I feel like no matter what happens, I will never escape him. I have literally known him my whole life. Our parents were best friends in high school. Maybe we could have been perfect together if he didn't turn out to be such a dick. If ever I had a fairy tale ending, that would have been it. Friends since birth, growing up together, lost virginity, move to a new city, travel overseas. Right up until the point where he left me because I was too depressed and he hated that I was poly. Or maybe it wasn't the poly, maybe it was just the sexuality. He always used to say that I was his one, the one he knew he'd end up with, that we'd get together. Well buddy, that worked out great didn't it. I just want to forget him, but he'll always be there in child hood memories and old photos. I can delete him on facebook, which I am going to do, but he's always going to be more than just someone I dated for two years in my 20s. If it had been anybody else it'd be over with, but it's not. There will always be some remaining memory. Remember when you went to the country music concert? Remember when they came down and he took your virginity on your bed right after our parents had left? Remember how we stayed up all night talking our first night in his place after you'd gotten up at 4am and you had a cold? Remember climbing the leaning tower of Pisa, or strolling through Amsterdam at 8am when it was still dark? Remember the house in Haberfield when you were younger and the back yard just seemed so big? Heaps of childhood photos. It's two and a half decades of memories, photographs.

I get nostalgic when I clean things out. I found a shoe box of old photos, from 1999. Mine, Bek's, Emma's birthdays. A "family" holiday. Ricky when he was just a baby. This house, when we moved in. The other half of the family helping us renovate it. Back when all the rooms where empty, when Bek and I had separate, clean rooms, when Emma and Ty slept downstairs, where you could actually get in to the downstairs room from both doors. Back when there weren't mattresses on the lounge room floor. Back when the curtains were new, the ones that still hang now. Back when there was a house that we lived in, not a house that is just so oppressing in its mess. Back when nothing was broken. I decided to do a mini photography project, comparing the same areas, but then my camera battery died, so tomorrow.

Mum eventually wants to take that book case. But I don't care. I took all of the stuff off the shelves, and there was so much crap. About ten wedding brochures. Gary used to keep proposing and she kept saying no. I don't know what I make of that. She didn't want to marry him, but she never left him either. There were old road maps, travel and holiday and hotel guides from back in the early 2000s. A whole heap of those collectible magazines and stuff from newspapers about animals and space and all that. A set of encyclopedias that has got to be 20 years old. Nothing on that book shelf compares with the vintage nude playing cards I found in the pantry the other day. The bottom shelf has old reader's digest information books. They're lovely books, but probably hugely outdated, and in bad condition. I read one called The Body Book when I was maybe 12 or 13. I also read a four book set of medical encyclopedias, and a big information book on babies that covered pretty much everything. And a book called Marvels and Mysteries of the World Around Us. If there was a time in my life when my nerdiness could be traced to, it was before then.

I'm going to put my collection of cooking magazines there. I have tonnes. And I'm making a list of all the recipes in them I want to try, as well as recipes for all kinds of treats and themed treats and seasonal desserts. By accident I found all of the Christmas magazines I was looking for last Christmas. They were on the shelf below the other magazines, hiding under my huge collection of stockings. I rarely cook, and I have so many magazines, so the plan is to cook at least one magazine meal per week. Hopefully.

Cleaning through stuff puts me in a weird mood. I get all nostalgic and kind of down but not depressed. I don't know how to explain it. I think I just face a lot of things that I forget, because I've just learned to deal in this house. It's no where near normal, but it's been my normal, for quite some time now. No matter what I go through, I get confronted with so many aspects of my past, of things that are so much different now. It's just weird to think back to a time when things were much more normal. And to think, if things went differently from that point, who would I be now? If Gary wasn't such a dick. If this house never got in to the state it is today. If we'd become a happy family. I don't think much would change though, we were still poor, living in a terrible area of town. And my birthday photos show me with a crowd of friends, but I didn't really have many friends back then either. So maybe everything would be the same. To change everything, I'd have to go back further. 

19:56

insults

So I'm officially on uni holidays. I was really stressing about the exam, I'm not sure why, but I was. Anyway, I think it went alright. I wasn't floored by any of the short answer questions, and I think I answered them well. I got 84% in my second abnormal essay, which is better than the first, and still a decent enough mark. I think I was too stressed and tired to be happy about it, the mark came out the night before the exam. I got my first counselling essay mailed back to me before the marks came out on the site, so I'm waiting for the second one to be mailed instead of obsessively checking the page for grades. I have no idea when the semester grades are released, I don't really want to know to be honest. I'll only stress about it until that day comes.

Today is hate me on the internet day. It's kind of funny. I got two random account comments from someone on one of my youtube videos, telling me I'm so ugly, and I look like egor. Cool. Then, one of the popular book tumblrs I follow does this confession thing, where you can just say anything about a book or a character or whatever, and she'll post it and add an opinion if she has one. Motivated by all the people talking about how they thought overrated books weren't that great, I decided to message and say I hated The Alchemist, because I thought it was so simply written and not at all inspirational. Like, yea, that's my opinion. And so then someone on anon messaged about how The Alchemist was amazing and I must be an orc to not see the complicated inspirational messages woven in to parable style writing. Funnily enough, the person who runs the tumblr agrees with me, and so responded with how insulting people for liking or not liking something is rude, and how we all have opinions, and sometimes those opinions differ. Oh. Another anon. Apparently I was hating and raging. People on the internet amuse me greatly sometimes.

Last week on tumblr I wrote a post talking about how I wanted people to like me. Someone fan mailed me (so I couldn't even properly reply publicly) about how I just had to be patient and someone would like me at some point and just be yourself and blah blah blah. Really, I was just whinging about how no one on tumblr ever sends me messages. But then I got that, and like, seriously? Candace always complains about people giving her unsolicited advice on her posts and how it infuriates her, and I never understood just how annoying it could be until that message. So I screen shotted the post and wrote this post about how I am always myself and people just don't like that. Like, yea, a lot of people don't like me, people generally don't. And like, it's not even something that bothers me terribly much anymore, especially after having Nell validate my feelings on invisibility at work because I'm different than them and more educated and going places and have different opinions and values. I wrote about how I'm just too difficult to deal with sometimes, sometimes too depressed, too outspoken, too intelligent, too annoying. Milly messaged and told me to stop it, that I wasn't any of those things, and that people do like me, but they don't. Some do, and I love Milly and Alex for being people that I can be close to. But I am me, and telling me to be me so people will like me seems stupid, because I know I'm difficult and outspoken and too smart, and I know that someone will like me eventually (not even crossing in to the discussion of how I feel about no romantic or sexual prospects), but that wasn't what I was talking about.

I was then talking about getting walked all over at work. Being usually instantly disliked. Being the person that annoys people with their opinions. Being the person that knows everything. Being the person that is overlooked, unincluded, invisible. I am that person that no one ever thinks of. I don't get invited to things. I get sad about it sometimes. Most of the time I'm mostly ok with who I am, and the people in this town don't like that, and that's ok, because I don't like them either.

Anyway, enough about my invisibility.

I have Sunday off this week. I worked Wednesday. It'll be nice to have a weekend day off. Milly and I may be drinking tomorrow night, maybe. I don't know. Work has been ok, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I still get shitty about Mel, and I still boss her around on Mondays just because I can. Nothing has changed, nothing will change.

I go to Fall Out Boy next weekend and I'm seriously excited. Excited about seeing Alex. I'm also planning a meet up with Janika, depending on where she is. I'm really excited about that. Alex and I are getting tattoos. I'm getting the deathly hallows symbol on my ankle, or a semi colon on my boob, or both. I am not excited about having to go to David's to get my suitcase because he is so useless and hasn't even bothered to tell me that he "hasn't had time" to take it to Alex's. At least, all going according to plan, when I do go and pick it up, he shouldn't be there, because he's supposed to be living in Campbelltown by now? He said "next week" about two weeks ago, so yea. Whatever. I'll facebook Mel and try to work something out.

I'm planning on doing some serious work on this house over the uni break. Surprisingly, Mum and Gary came down three times over the last weekend to do stuff. I nearly died. Though I have no illusions, it won't last. She won't get this place cleaned up, I will. I did a bit in the pantry today, it was a mess in there. I have no idea where to start. The plan is just to box things up and take it to Mum's. And keep whatever I want, as a payment type thing.

But, after nanowrimo. Thirteen days. That's a little scary. I should get organised, start trying to flesh out a plot from my idea. Cleaning up will help though, it'll be research. I haven't actually told anybody what my novel is going to be about, I don't know if anybody cares. Now that Jes has stopped talking to me, I don't really have a writing buddy anymore. So I'll get all excited on my own.

I was pretty functional today. I've been a bit all over the place lately, with my exam, and I worked six days straight, and I was really tired. But I'm back now, so that's good. 

19:45

people

Last night at the body balance class, there were two girls there that were in my year in high school. Occasionally there's one of them, and that sets me on edge enough, but last night there were two. I just pretend to never notice anyone whenever I see anyone from school. I never know if anybody recognises me. I spent the whole night thinking about who I never was, how I am never anything I want to be, or anything that anybody values. Those girls are popular, pretty, rich, smart, happy, loved. I'm not any of those things. I never was. Not even in high school. If I wasn't being teased and gossiped about, I was invisible. Nobody noticed me. I wasn't pretty. I certainly wasn't popular. I didn't have a lot of friends, I barely had friends in my group of friends. I was smart, but not like everybody else. I don't think I'm pretty now, although I think more highly of my appearance than I used to. I'm not loved. I've barely got any friends now anyway. People don't notice me. They don't pay attention to me. I'm not anything to anybody. I'm not particularly smart. I'm nothing really. Single, because David left me because I was too depressed, because I don't know anybody, because I don't know a single lesbian in this town. Poor, living in my mother's cluttered house in the shittiest area of town. Getting fucked over at work on a daily basis. I'm invisible. Taking forever at my degree when pretty much everybody from school has careers. I only just got my license this year. I've only just grasped mental stability. I will never be anybody of worth, nobody will ever notice me. And how can I change that? How can I somehow get people to notice and like me? I don't know.

Sometimes it bugs me. A lot. Sometimes it doesn't. I mean, I kind of like who I am now. I've lost weight. I'm on meds that work. I have Milly and Alex, and they're great. I'm almost finished undergrad. I know where I plan to go after that (I just have to be able to do it). I drive now. I'm not having sex and I don't see any sexual or romantic prospects in my future. I care about people, I try to help them. I'm planning on doing some work on this house over uni break. Even though I'm studying, I still have a full time job. I do adult things now, like get health insurance, and do everything on my own. Just, sometimes who I never was and who I'll never be just gets shoved in to my face, and I can't help feel down about it. But even with all the shit at work, with friends and sex and relationships I don't have, with this house, I'm on meds that work, and so I generally feel better.

So after that shit fight with David about the stuff he still had and how he said those awful things and how he got mad when I said awful things to him and pulled the "can we just talk about this" and "but I still love you" cards, he finally went through the stuff. He went to America on a holiday, said he's sort through it when he got back. He's back now. They've being kicked out of the house in Haberfield, the cute little run down house that I loved even though it was so broken. I don't know why. But they're moving, which is why he started going through stuff in the first place. And he messaged me, saying all he had was a suitcase. So I told him to drop it to Alex's. He said he didn't have time. Her house is literally a fifteen minute drive from his. But apparently he's got rehab before work, for his knee. "Unless you want me to go at 6am" and I wanted to shout that yes, I did fucking want him to go at 6am. Apparently he's moving to Campbelltown next week, which is hilarious, because he hated it there. So I guess wherever his mum is moving, he's not going with her. He said that if he doesn't drop the suitcase at Alex's this week, it will still be in Haberfield when I go down. I can't understand how a half an hour trip is something that he can't manage (after two fucking years).

But there's an upside to this. He's moving to Campbelltown. He won't be anywhere near Haberfield when I go to stay with Alex. If I do have to go and get my own suitcase, I will not have to see him. I may never have to see him again. I remember back when I wanted to stay friends. I haven't wanted that for a while. After he told me that he left me because I was too depressed, that was it. It was a really shitty thing for him to do, and he's turned in to a pretty shitty person in relation to me. He's said some really awful things. Sure, we have history, longer than that two years, but now, he's not a guy I want to know anymore. He's sure that this suitcase is all he has, and so after I get it I've decided I'm just going to unfriend him on facebook. I haven't cared for a while. I thought maybe we could be friends back in March, but then after what he said, just no. I had him hidden on my facebook for over a year. Then I made him visible again, but now I think I'll just delete him. I don't care how it makes him feel. I couldn't give a shit that he still loves me. This was his choice, and too bad. I don't even care if it eats him up anymore. I just don't want to be reminded of him anymore. I guess I only kept him on facebook until he had no more of my stuff.

This is just a blog about all these things and people I've lost.

But anyway, Jes. The other day she texted me saying she missed me. So I told her, again, that she's been busy. And then she was like "I know it doesn't mean anything but fuck I'm sorry" and so I just said ok, because I didn't know what to say to that. She dropped me. She just disappeared. And I just stopped caring. I'm only going to keep caring about someone for so long after they've just dropped me. I used to care so much about her. But oh well. People go in and out I guess, especially with me. She's another person I just don't even care about anymore. I was going to make a new nanowrimo tumblr, because last year I shared one with her. Anyway, I went to leave it, and realised that she wasn't even a member of that tumblr anymore. Same with the tea tumblr that she has had forever that we used to share. I knew she wasn't updating it, hasn't posted to it in like, a year, but I didn't realise that she'd left. I don't know when she left either of them. So now they're mine. Which is fine, I changed the URLs, and now they're mine. I changed the pass again on the private tumblr that she had the URL for, but she hasn't said anything so maybe she hasn't noticed, or she did notice and realised that I didn't want her to have it anymore. I'm not posting to it anymore anyway. She probably won't bother talking to me again anyway.

Speaking of facebook and David and deleting people, I really think I'll do a mass delete. Starting with online friends I haven't talked to in years, and people from high school, and maybe Jes. I don't know. It's not like I really talk to anybody on there anyway. Most of the people on facebook just annoy me with their shitty, whiny statuses. If I just had everybody I was really friends with, I'd probably end up with like ten friends on there. Like, I'll keep everyone from work, and people I know and haven't decided to hate yet. But yea, people kind of annoy me lately. All the time. I have Alex and Milly, and a couple of other people that I want to be closer to, a few online friends that I will always talk to even though we might not talk often. Sure, I might not really have a lot of friends, but oh well.

My exam is next Wednesday and I'm just tired. It's the end of the academic year, and I'm in holiday mode already. I'll just read my notes and hope for the best.

19:20

girls

I seriously need to get laid. I just want to fuck somebody. A girl. Preferably. But yea, no one is interested.

I saw Emma today, shopping. I don't know if she saw me. I had literally not seen her since that last time we fucked and then she stopped texting back. She looked exactly the same. And it got me thinking. About her. About fucking her. About everything that happened. I told Alex, and Alex said I should contact her. I was like yea nah, but then I thought about it, how I've got no one to fuck, how much I fucking liked her, how good fucking her was, her soft skin and kisses and her big boobs and her scars and all the little things she probably never realised I noticed. But then I got home, and searched her on facebook. Only her profile pictures are visible, but one was her and Elisha. It was from March last year, so there's no context for me to see. But no. Maybe if her and Elisha weren't still possibly friends, maybe I'd talk to her. Maybe I'd do what I did last time; hey I know we hate each other, but maybe we can fuck. But if there is even the slightest possibility that they are still friends, then I am not going anywhere near it. Elisha must have blocked me on facebook a long time ago. I can't even search her, nothing comes up. (At least facebook has decent blocking features.)

I remember being with her. It was so messy and complicated and awful. I hated her because she was still friends with Elisha. She hated me because I hated Elisha. If Elisha was never in the picture, things would have been so much better. But she was, and everything went to hell, and sometimes I can't even remember why. Alex said maybe they were together, but I seriously doubt it. Last I heard from Emma, Elisha had decided that she wasn't in to girls, that's why they were fighting. Emma went down there, and they fucked, and then Elisha decided it wasn't for her (fucking straight girls, ugh). But the photo is from after that, so I guess they are, or at least were then, friends. And that's fine. I was just shocked to see her. I honestly thought that she had left town. I haven't seen her since January last year. It was just a shock. I'll be over it, and not ever think about her ever again. I did briefly entertain the notion that we could talk again, maybe fuck again, maybe she'd be my girlfriend like she didn't want to last time. Funny how far the thought can go in a matter of seconds.

I just really, really want to have sex. I want to fuck a girl. For some reason it's been on my mind a lot. I can't fuck Milly, no matter how much I'd like to. I sometimes entertain the notion of getting Carly to see if Jade would like to meet up and hang out, just to see if it'd go anywhere. She cancelled our kind of not really dinner date before because she started seeing someone else, and it turned out that it was some guy, who a month later laughed at her while she was giving him a blow job. Carly and her friend were like "I told her not to go with the dick, go with Trina, Trina's nice." I see her come shopping every week, I see her update facebook and instagram, but we never talk. I've never said hello to her while she's shopping. I hoped that when I went out to Carly's for her divorce party, and then when we went out that time to see her boyfriend's band, that Jade would be there, but she wasn't. And I don't know. If I don't talk to Carly about it, I'll never know, but she's probably not interested anyway.

I was talking about Tom today. Hugh's working up at Big W with him, and he just mentioned it today when he came up to visit.

So, Kitty follows me on tumblr. Which I didn't realise. Not months ago when I got the invite for her wedding and then wrote on tumblr about how I thought it was weird because we barely talk. Not until the other day when she tweeted that she shouldn't browse tumblr in public cause of the photos that I post, both of myself sometimes, and just generally from flickr. I post a tonne of naked girls. Artsy though, not porn. And then I realised that she followed me on tumblr, and like, seriously the shit I post. I don't know how people keep following me, especially people I know in real life! I also occasionally remember old friend Jess who I used to work with who used to have a livejournal, and who follows me on tumblr like Kitty, who sees every single suicidal, depressed post, every single annoying rant people, every single rant about how nobody wants to fuck me or be with me, every single stupid photo I post of myself, and they still follow me. It's seriously weird sometimes to realise that there are people on tumblr that I didn't meet on tumblr. Weird.

Other stuff is going on. Crue's been vomiting and the vet listed about fifteen things that could be wrong with him in increasing severity from bad reaction to food to fatal kidney disease. I'm trying him on a diet of boiled chicken and rice to see if it clears up on its own, and he's two days vomit free. Hopefully he's not actually sick. Not sure I could deal with that again. I submitted my counselling essay last night, I think it's alright. I hope. Just got a tiny bit of the last abnormal chapter to finish and then revision and in ten days semester is over. I've got three units left and then undergrad is finished, and I have to figure out what next.

I had a really good session with Nell on Tuesday. Talking about how I felt invisible, especially at work, and she started talking about how I'm doing things and am intelligent and socially aware and it's not common to find people like that where I work, so it's no wonder I don't really have any friends at work. She was really pleased when I said I was planning to do some serious work on this house over my uni holidays. I've got one session left with her.

I am doing really good lately. I don't remember ever doing this good.

I'm planning on dong nanowrimo again this year. I'm feeling some what conflicted about my plot line, it's my idea, but I feel like I'll be borrowing from certain tv shows and movies and books.

My fingers look terrible.

I go to Sydney soon, and I'm excited. I still really want to see Janika. 

17:11

healthy

I feel a little bit like a broken record sometimes, but just look at how well I'm doing lately. The downside of having no one know about my crippling downs is that no one really notices when I'm doing super well. Except for Alex, and Milly, and the 1100 people who follow me on tumblr and don't give a shit and never talk to me. They must notice at work, but they probably don't. No one says it to me anyway, except for Alex. Sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops about how well I am doing, and how normal and motivated and healthy I feel.

I made a kick ass sandwich today. I went to the gym and did some cycling before yoga, a habit I'm hoping to develop. Then I was seriously hungry and all I wanted was some berries or a sandwich, so even though I was wearing gym clothes and no make up, I went shopping anyway. I had tuna, sprouts, tomato, cucumber, fetta, and avocado on four seed bread. It was amazing. I'm becoming a lot healthier. I eat fruit pretty regularly now, and yogurt. I still eat a lot at work though, bread rolls and donuts, as well as burgers, pies and chips a lot for lunch. Brett is on a real cooking trip again, so we have a cooked lunch nearly every day, and it's rarely super healthy. My weight has leveled out around 55kg, which is ok, but I do want to lose a bit more. The plan is to reduce the amount of crap I eat at work, donuts and bread rolls (sometimes I eat two fruit buns, and then a big lunch), and eat healthier at home. I got in to the habit of buying bars of chocolate and chocolate biscuits and constantly snacking on them. It was much better when I never bought those things. I couldn't eat them if they weren't here. I probably won't ever stop drinking coke, but I drink more juice at home than soft drink now. I drink a lot of lemon lime and bitters, and I have coke at home when I buy it at work and bring it home. I'm not particularly worried. Soft drink isn't really healthy, but I'm not going to try to cut it out completely. I want to be healthy, not restrictive. I'm not setting out to cut out all sugar or eat only organic food or deny myself unhealthy things. I just want to be healthy, to be healthier. Compared to a year ago, when I was with David, any other time that isn't the past year, I am so much healthier. And it feels good.

I'm still smoking, but shh. It's terrible I know, one day I'll stop.

I'm doing better with exercising too. It's yoga or balance three times a week, and I've started going half an hour early on Fridays to do some cycling. After uni is over for the year I'll start going more to do cardio. There's only about three weeks left. I've still got a free session with a personal trainer too. I can see the improvements from doing yoga. Sometimes I'll be doing it and notice other people who are stronger and more flexible than I am, and get a little sad, because why can't I be there? And then I remember that they've obviously been doing it more regularly for longer, and I will get there. I can touch the floor easier now, hold lunges and warriors longer, bend further, reach my toes, balance better. After I'm all warmed up I can usually get my heels on the floor in a downward dog. I can high plank to low plank slowly without being on my knees. I am improving. I'm not as good as some of the people that I see in classes regularly, but I am getting there. I will get there. I was planning on doing different classes, combat and step and pump, with Milly, but she hasn't joined the gym yet.

I sorted out my study this afternoon. I need to apply for advanced standing for a few of the units from my B.Arts and stats, which I'll do some time this week. After I complete these two units I will have three to go until I am finished undergrad. It's been so long, I'm not sure I thought I would ever finish! But it's close, one year to go. And then I'll apply for honours, hopefully get it, and hopefully do well. Even though I'm currently not planning on doing clinical masters in psychology, I think I may still try, and for that I need honours, first class honours. I have no idea what I will do my honours on, and I really do hope I get in. I have the grades. I only got credits for both stats units, but that is the requirement. I'm not so good at stats, but I think if I do it in honours, I will learn. Otherwise the plan is to get some experience counselling (probably LifeLine), do the two post grad dip courses in counselling, and do clinical masters in counselling. I figure I can do clinical counselling, get a counselling job (it seems so far away, barely even a possible reality), and then maybe after some life, go back and do masters in clinical psychology. Maybe. Counselling seems much easier to get in to, and it's not a research masters. Of course there is the internship route in to clinical psychology, if they're still doing that in a few years. I will look in to it.

I've got an essay due next weekend for counselling. I started it the other day. I'm about a third of the way through. I'm leaving the hard bit until last, where I have to detail counselling interventions, and talk about things in the first person, which is something I feel weird about doing. I kind of got away with not doing it in the last one. My exam for abnormal is on the 16th, and I'm currently doing the last chapter. I think this is the most ahead I've ever been in a unit. It feels good.

In about a month I go down to Sydney for Fall Out Boy and I'm seriously excited. Sure, I'm seeing David and getting my stuff back, again. Hopefully I do not have to spend much time with him. My feelings haven't changed since our last conversation. He's currently holidaying in America, so he is updating facebook super regularly, and it's a bit annoying. But I am even more excited because Alex and I are getting tattoos again, and I'm getting the Deathly Hallows symbol on my ankle, for sure, and maybe a semi colon on the side of my boob. Depending on how much they'll charge. We go to Broadway because it's nice, but it's much more expensive than it would be if I got a tattoo here. At least I know Broadway is clean, the places here are questionable. Alex is getting a blueberry cupcake because her nickname for her baby is berry, and it's cute.

I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of how well I am doing, and keep it up. It is much, much easier than it's ever been. And even though I get down and angry about some things like work, and I feel lonely a lot because I have no one to be interested in or who is interested in me, and I haven't been kissed or had sex for so, so long, and sometimes I crave intimacy, I bounce back pretty quickly. (J is out of hospital again now, so maybe I'll see her when I go down next month, and there's a potential potentiality, and really I have no idea, but maybe something will happen, even if it will be complicated kind of.)

18:22

better

This is going to be a happy entry, after my ranty one the other day.

Sometimes it just amazes me how well I'm doing lately. I realised yesterday that I think I no longer believe that a crash is inevitable. This might be the first time I have ever believed that I can get better, be better, live without depression. And I really, really hope it sticks. Sure I've had a few dark moments and bad days, but I recover quicker. I get angry, but it doesn't spiral in to suicidal. It's great. I fucking love it. This is the best I can remember feeling in, possibly forever.

I don't want to crash ever again. I've still got two or three sessions with Nell to go, but I can't remember when they are. I think it's two, at either end of October maybe. Then I will have had 20 sessions with Nell, and I really feel like I've only made progress in the last two, and that's because of the change of meds. I am so immensely thankful that these meds are working, that I've finally made progress. The sessions with Nell were only support therapy, so I was barely getting any strategies to work with, except for a few mindfulness pointers. For all that though, I do think she is a great psychologist. And I suppose that after CBT not working, and ACT kind of only being a relatively new-ish thing, there wasn't really much else for me to be referred for.

Work is going ok. Study is going ok. My counselling essay is due in sixteen days, but I'm not feeling enough of a sense of urgency to start it yet. I think it will be easy enough to write, once I start it. I should be able to get another good mark. I submitted my second abnormal essay only to realise that the date had been moved back a week anyway. Alex gave it a read through for me and said she thought it was good, so I hope I get a better mark than the last one. I think I just rushed the last one and didn't pay enough attention to editing.

I went to the gym early today and did some exercise bike before the yoga class. It felt good. My weight has leveled off a bit higher than it used to be, and while I still feel like I'm thin, I do want to lose a bit more. I remember being so determined to get under 60kgs, when I weighed more than that. I'm at 55kg now, and I feel like I look so much better, and I like the way I look in clothes better, but I still want a bit more. But mostly, mostly I just want to be healthy and work out and get fit. Even if it's just yoga and flexibility and strength, which I'm getting better at and it's awesome. Today was the first time I went to the gym to not just do a class, and I was a little nervous, but I did it, so now I can do it more often. I'll try to go early before the classes I go to and do a bit of bike or treadmill before each class. I've got a free personal trainer session that I need to do.

I am eating so healthy lately. When I went shopping on Tuesday I bought so much fruit and vegetables, my fridge was full of them. I made a tuna salad, which I won't be eating the rest of because I really can't eat too much red onion, I just really don't like it. I'll make the salad again, with cocktail onions or something instead of red onions. I bought a few things to make a pumpkin loaf with, but I haven't gotten around to making it yet. I buy and eat fruit now, which is something I never used to do.

I eat healthy. I go to the gym. I function. I take my meds every day. I see Milly regularly, I talk to Alex all the time. I study, and am ahead for abnormal. I smile a lot. I talk with people. I am doing damn fucking good lately and I love it.

19:10