Last night at the body balance class, there were two girls there that were in my year in high school. Occasionally there's one of them, and that sets me on edge enough, but last night there were two. I just pretend to never notice anyone whenever I see anyone from school. I never know if anybody recognises me. I spent the whole night thinking about who I never was, how I am never anything I want to be, or anything that anybody values. Those girls are popular, pretty, rich, smart, happy, loved. I'm not any of those things. I never was. Not even in high school. If I wasn't being teased and gossiped about, I was invisible. Nobody noticed me. I wasn't pretty. I certainly wasn't popular. I didn't have a lot of friends, I barely had friends in my group of friends. I was smart, but not like everybody else. I don't think I'm pretty now, although I think more highly of my appearance than I used to. I'm not loved. I've barely got any friends now anyway. People don't notice me. They don't pay attention to me. I'm not anything to anybody. I'm not particularly smart. I'm nothing really. Single, because David left me because I was too depressed, because I don't know anybody, because I don't know a single lesbian in this town. Poor, living in my mother's cluttered house in the shittiest area of town. Getting fucked over at work on a daily basis. I'm invisible. Taking forever at my degree when pretty much everybody from school has careers. I only just got my license this year. I've only just grasped mental stability. I will never be anybody of worth, nobody will ever notice me. And how can I change that? How can I somehow get people to notice and like me? I don't know.
Sometimes it bugs me. A lot. Sometimes it doesn't. I mean, I kind of like who I am now. I've lost weight. I'm on meds that work. I have Milly and Alex, and they're great. I'm almost finished undergrad. I know where I plan to go after that (I just have to be able to do it). I drive now. I'm not having sex and I don't see any sexual or romantic prospects in my future. I care about people, I try to help them. I'm planning on doing some work on this house over uni break. Even though I'm studying, I still have a full time job. I do adult things now, like get health insurance, and do everything on my own. Just, sometimes who I never was and who I'll never be just gets shoved in to my face, and I can't help feel down about it. But even with all the shit at work, with friends and sex and relationships I don't have, with this house, I'm on meds that work, and so I generally feel better.
So after that shit fight with David about the stuff he still had and how he said those awful things and how he got mad when I said awful things to him and pulled the "can we just talk about this" and "but I still love you" cards, he finally went through the stuff. He went to America on a holiday, said he's sort through it when he got back. He's back now. They've being kicked out of the house in Haberfield, the cute little run down house that I loved even though it was so broken. I don't know why. But they're moving, which is why he started going through stuff in the first place. And he messaged me, saying all he had was a suitcase. So I told him to drop it to Alex's. He said he didn't have time. Her house is literally a fifteen minute drive from his. But apparently he's got rehab before work, for his knee. "Unless you want me to go at 6am" and I wanted to shout that yes, I did fucking want him to go at 6am. Apparently he's moving to Campbelltown next week, which is hilarious, because he hated it there. So I guess wherever his mum is moving, he's not going with her. He said that if he doesn't drop the suitcase at Alex's this week, it will still be in Haberfield when I go down. I can't understand how a half an hour trip is something that he can't manage (after two fucking years).
But there's an upside to this. He's moving to Campbelltown. He won't be anywhere near Haberfield when I go to stay with Alex. If I do have to go and get my own suitcase, I will not have to see him. I may never have to see him again. I remember back when I wanted to stay friends. I haven't wanted that for a while. After he told me that he left me because I was too depressed, that was it. It was a really shitty thing for him to do, and he's turned in to a pretty shitty person in relation to me. He's said some really awful things. Sure, we have history, longer than that two years, but now, he's not a guy I want to know anymore. He's sure that this suitcase is all he has, and so after I get it I've decided I'm just going to unfriend him on facebook. I haven't cared for a while. I thought maybe we could be friends back in March, but then after what he said, just no. I had him hidden on my facebook for over a year. Then I made him visible again, but now I think I'll just delete him. I don't care how it makes him feel. I couldn't give a shit that he still loves me. This was his choice, and too bad. I don't even care if it eats him up anymore. I just don't want to be reminded of him anymore. I guess I only kept him on facebook until he had no more of my stuff.
This is just a blog about all these things and people I've lost.
But anyway, Jes. The other day she texted me saying she missed me. So I told her, again, that she's been busy. And then she was like "I know it doesn't mean anything but fuck I'm sorry" and so I just said ok, because I didn't know what to say to that. She dropped me. She just disappeared. And I just stopped caring. I'm only going to keep caring about someone for so long after they've just dropped me. I used to care so much about her. But oh well. People go in and out I guess, especially with me. She's another person I just don't even care about anymore. I was going to make a new nanowrimo tumblr, because last year I shared one with her. Anyway, I went to leave it, and realised that she wasn't even a member of that tumblr anymore. Same with the tea tumblr that she has had forever that we used to share. I knew she wasn't updating it, hasn't posted to it in like, a year, but I didn't realise that she'd left. I don't know when she left either of them. So now they're mine. Which is fine, I changed the URLs, and now they're mine. I changed the pass again on the private tumblr that she had the URL for, but she hasn't said anything so maybe she hasn't noticed, or she did notice and realised that I didn't want her to have it anymore. I'm not posting to it anymore anyway. She probably won't bother talking to me again anyway.
Speaking of facebook and David and deleting people, I really think I'll do a mass delete. Starting with online friends I haven't talked to in years, and people from high school, and maybe Jes. I don't know. It's not like I really talk to anybody on there anyway. Most of the people on facebook just annoy me with their shitty, whiny statuses. If I just had everybody I was really friends with, I'd probably end up with like ten friends on there. Like, I'll keep everyone from work, and people I know and haven't decided to hate yet. But yea, people kind of annoy me lately. All the time. I have Alex and Milly, and a couple of other people that I want to be closer to, a few online friends that I will always talk to even though we might not talk often. Sure, I might not really have a lot of friends, but oh well.
My exam is next Wednesday and I'm just tired. It's the end of the academic year, and I'm in holiday mode already. I'll just read my notes and hope for the best.
Sometimes it bugs me. A lot. Sometimes it doesn't. I mean, I kind of like who I am now. I've lost weight. I'm on meds that work. I have Milly and Alex, and they're great. I'm almost finished undergrad. I know where I plan to go after that (I just have to be able to do it). I drive now. I'm not having sex and I don't see any sexual or romantic prospects in my future. I care about people, I try to help them. I'm planning on doing some work on this house over uni break. Even though I'm studying, I still have a full time job. I do adult things now, like get health insurance, and do everything on my own. Just, sometimes who I never was and who I'll never be just gets shoved in to my face, and I can't help feel down about it. But even with all the shit at work, with friends and sex and relationships I don't have, with this house, I'm on meds that work, and so I generally feel better.
So after that shit fight with David about the stuff he still had and how he said those awful things and how he got mad when I said awful things to him and pulled the "can we just talk about this" and "but I still love you" cards, he finally went through the stuff. He went to America on a holiday, said he's sort through it when he got back. He's back now. They've being kicked out of the house in Haberfield, the cute little run down house that I loved even though it was so broken. I don't know why. But they're moving, which is why he started going through stuff in the first place. And he messaged me, saying all he had was a suitcase. So I told him to drop it to Alex's. He said he didn't have time. Her house is literally a fifteen minute drive from his. But apparently he's got rehab before work, for his knee. "Unless you want me to go at 6am" and I wanted to shout that yes, I did fucking want him to go at 6am. Apparently he's moving to Campbelltown next week, which is hilarious, because he hated it there. So I guess wherever his mum is moving, he's not going with her. He said that if he doesn't drop the suitcase at Alex's this week, it will still be in Haberfield when I go down. I can't understand how a half an hour trip is something that he can't manage (after two fucking years).
But there's an upside to this. He's moving to Campbelltown. He won't be anywhere near Haberfield when I go to stay with Alex. If I do have to go and get my own suitcase, I will not have to see him. I may never have to see him again. I remember back when I wanted to stay friends. I haven't wanted that for a while. After he told me that he left me because I was too depressed, that was it. It was a really shitty thing for him to do, and he's turned in to a pretty shitty person in relation to me. He's said some really awful things. Sure, we have history, longer than that two years, but now, he's not a guy I want to know anymore. He's sure that this suitcase is all he has, and so after I get it I've decided I'm just going to unfriend him on facebook. I haven't cared for a while. I thought maybe we could be friends back in March, but then after what he said, just no. I had him hidden on my facebook for over a year. Then I made him visible again, but now I think I'll just delete him. I don't care how it makes him feel. I couldn't give a shit that he still loves me. This was his choice, and too bad. I don't even care if it eats him up anymore. I just don't want to be reminded of him anymore. I guess I only kept him on facebook until he had no more of my stuff.
This is just a blog about all these things and people I've lost.
But anyway, Jes. The other day she texted me saying she missed me. So I told her, again, that she's been busy. And then she was like "I know it doesn't mean anything but fuck I'm sorry" and so I just said ok, because I didn't know what to say to that. She dropped me. She just disappeared. And I just stopped caring. I'm only going to keep caring about someone for so long after they've just dropped me. I used to care so much about her. But oh well. People go in and out I guess, especially with me. She's another person I just don't even care about anymore. I was going to make a new nanowrimo tumblr, because last year I shared one with her. Anyway, I went to leave it, and realised that she wasn't even a member of that tumblr anymore. Same with the tea tumblr that she has had forever that we used to share. I knew she wasn't updating it, hasn't posted to it in like, a year, but I didn't realise that she'd left. I don't know when she left either of them. So now they're mine. Which is fine, I changed the URLs, and now they're mine. I changed the pass again on the private tumblr that she had the URL for, but she hasn't said anything so maybe she hasn't noticed, or she did notice and realised that I didn't want her to have it anymore. I'm not posting to it anymore anyway. She probably won't bother talking to me again anyway.
Speaking of facebook and David and deleting people, I really think I'll do a mass delete. Starting with online friends I haven't talked to in years, and people from high school, and maybe Jes. I don't know. It's not like I really talk to anybody on there anyway. Most of the people on facebook just annoy me with their shitty, whiny statuses. If I just had everybody I was really friends with, I'd probably end up with like ten friends on there. Like, I'll keep everyone from work, and people I know and haven't decided to hate yet. But yea, people kind of annoy me lately. All the time. I have Alex and Milly, and a couple of other people that I want to be closer to, a few online friends that I will always talk to even though we might not talk often. Sure, I might not really have a lot of friends, but oh well.
My exam is next Wednesday and I'm just tired. It's the end of the academic year, and I'm in holiday mode already. I'll just read my notes and hope for the best.
19:20
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