I seriously need to get laid. I just want to fuck somebody. A girl. Preferably. But yea, no one is interested.
I saw Emma today, shopping. I don't know if she saw me. I had literally not seen her since that last time we fucked and then she stopped texting back. She looked exactly the same. And it got me thinking. About her. About fucking her. About everything that happened. I told Alex, and Alex said I should contact her. I was like yea nah, but then I thought about it, how I've got no one to fuck, how much I fucking liked her, how good fucking her was, her soft skin and kisses and her big boobs and her scars and all the little things she probably never realised I noticed. But then I got home, and searched her on facebook. Only her profile pictures are visible, but one was her and Elisha. It was from March last year, so there's no context for me to see. But no. Maybe if her and Elisha weren't still possibly friends, maybe I'd talk to her. Maybe I'd do what I did last time; hey I know we hate each other, but maybe we can fuck. But if there is even the slightest possibility that they are still friends, then I am not going anywhere near it. Elisha must have blocked me on facebook a long time ago. I can't even search her, nothing comes up. (At least facebook has decent blocking features.)
I remember being with her. It was so messy and complicated and awful. I hated her because she was still friends with Elisha. She hated me because I hated Elisha. If Elisha was never in the picture, things would have been so much better. But she was, and everything went to hell, and sometimes I can't even remember why. Alex said maybe they were together, but I seriously doubt it. Last I heard from Emma, Elisha had decided that she wasn't in to girls, that's why they were fighting. Emma went down there, and they fucked, and then Elisha decided it wasn't for her (fucking straight girls, ugh). But the photo is from after that, so I guess they are, or at least were then, friends. And that's fine. I was just shocked to see her. I honestly thought that she had left town. I haven't seen her since January last year. It was just a shock. I'll be over it, and not ever think about her ever again. I did briefly entertain the notion that we could talk again, maybe fuck again, maybe she'd be my girlfriend like she didn't want to last time. Funny how far the thought can go in a matter of seconds.
I just really, really want to have sex. I want to fuck a girl. For some reason it's been on my mind a lot. I can't fuck Milly, no matter how much I'd like to. I sometimes entertain the notion of getting Carly to see if Jade would like to meet up and hang out, just to see if it'd go anywhere. She cancelled our kind of not really dinner date before because she started seeing someone else, and it turned out that it was some guy, who a month later laughed at her while she was giving him a blow job. Carly and her friend were like "I told her not to go with the dick, go with Trina, Trina's nice." I see her come shopping every week, I see her update facebook and instagram, but we never talk. I've never said hello to her while she's shopping. I hoped that when I went out to Carly's for her divorce party, and then when we went out that time to see her boyfriend's band, that Jade would be there, but she wasn't. And I don't know. If I don't talk to Carly about it, I'll never know, but she's probably not interested anyway.
I was talking about Tom today. Hugh's working up at Big W with him, and he just mentioned it today when he came up to visit.
So, Kitty follows me on tumblr. Which I didn't realise. Not months ago when I got the invite for her wedding and then wrote on tumblr about how I thought it was weird because we barely talk. Not until the other day when she tweeted that she shouldn't browse tumblr in public cause of the photos that I post, both of myself sometimes, and just generally from flickr. I post a tonne of naked girls. Artsy though, not porn. And then I realised that she followed me on tumblr, and like, seriously the shit I post. I don't know how people keep following me, especially people I know in real life! I also occasionally remember old friend Jess who I used to work with who used to have a livejournal, and who follows me on tumblr like Kitty, who sees every single suicidal, depressed post, every single annoying rant people, every single rant about how nobody wants to fuck me or be with me, every single stupid photo I post of myself, and they still follow me. It's seriously weird sometimes to realise that there are people on tumblr that I didn't meet on tumblr. Weird.
Other stuff is going on. Crue's been vomiting and the vet listed about fifteen things that could be wrong with him in increasing severity from bad reaction to food to fatal kidney disease. I'm trying him on a diet of boiled chicken and rice to see if it clears up on its own, and he's two days vomit free. Hopefully he's not actually sick. Not sure I could deal with that again. I submitted my counselling essay last night, I think it's alright. I hope. Just got a tiny bit of the last abnormal chapter to finish and then revision and in ten days semester is over. I've got three units left and then undergrad is finished, and I have to figure out what next.
I had a really good session with Nell on Tuesday. Talking about how I felt invisible, especially at work, and she started talking about how I'm doing things and am intelligent and socially aware and it's not common to find people like that where I work, so it's no wonder I don't really have any friends at work. She was really pleased when I said I was planning to do some serious work on this house over my uni holidays. I've got one session left with her.
I am doing really good lately. I don't remember ever doing this good.
I'm planning on dong nanowrimo again this year. I'm feeling some what conflicted about my plot line, it's my idea, but I feel like I'll be borrowing from certain tv shows and movies and books.
My fingers look terrible.
I go to Sydney soon, and I'm excited. I still really want to see Janika.
I saw Emma today, shopping. I don't know if she saw me. I had literally not seen her since that last time we fucked and then she stopped texting back. She looked exactly the same. And it got me thinking. About her. About fucking her. About everything that happened. I told Alex, and Alex said I should contact her. I was like yea nah, but then I thought about it, how I've got no one to fuck, how much I fucking liked her, how good fucking her was, her soft skin and kisses and her big boobs and her scars and all the little things she probably never realised I noticed. But then I got home, and searched her on facebook. Only her profile pictures are visible, but one was her and Elisha. It was from March last year, so there's no context for me to see. But no. Maybe if her and Elisha weren't still possibly friends, maybe I'd talk to her. Maybe I'd do what I did last time; hey I know we hate each other, but maybe we can fuck. But if there is even the slightest possibility that they are still friends, then I am not going anywhere near it. Elisha must have blocked me on facebook a long time ago. I can't even search her, nothing comes up. (At least facebook has decent blocking features.)
I remember being with her. It was so messy and complicated and awful. I hated her because she was still friends with Elisha. She hated me because I hated Elisha. If Elisha was never in the picture, things would have been so much better. But she was, and everything went to hell, and sometimes I can't even remember why. Alex said maybe they were together, but I seriously doubt it. Last I heard from Emma, Elisha had decided that she wasn't in to girls, that's why they were fighting. Emma went down there, and they fucked, and then Elisha decided it wasn't for her (fucking straight girls, ugh). But the photo is from after that, so I guess they are, or at least were then, friends. And that's fine. I was just shocked to see her. I honestly thought that she had left town. I haven't seen her since January last year. It was just a shock. I'll be over it, and not ever think about her ever again. I did briefly entertain the notion that we could talk again, maybe fuck again, maybe she'd be my girlfriend like she didn't want to last time. Funny how far the thought can go in a matter of seconds.
I just really, really want to have sex. I want to fuck a girl. For some reason it's been on my mind a lot. I can't fuck Milly, no matter how much I'd like to. I sometimes entertain the notion of getting Carly to see if Jade would like to meet up and hang out, just to see if it'd go anywhere. She cancelled our kind of not really dinner date before because she started seeing someone else, and it turned out that it was some guy, who a month later laughed at her while she was giving him a blow job. Carly and her friend were like "I told her not to go with the dick, go with Trina, Trina's nice." I see her come shopping every week, I see her update facebook and instagram, but we never talk. I've never said hello to her while she's shopping. I hoped that when I went out to Carly's for her divorce party, and then when we went out that time to see her boyfriend's band, that Jade would be there, but she wasn't. And I don't know. If I don't talk to Carly about it, I'll never know, but she's probably not interested anyway.
I was talking about Tom today. Hugh's working up at Big W with him, and he just mentioned it today when he came up to visit.
So, Kitty follows me on tumblr. Which I didn't realise. Not months ago when I got the invite for her wedding and then wrote on tumblr about how I thought it was weird because we barely talk. Not until the other day when she tweeted that she shouldn't browse tumblr in public cause of the photos that I post, both of myself sometimes, and just generally from flickr. I post a tonne of naked girls. Artsy though, not porn. And then I realised that she followed me on tumblr, and like, seriously the shit I post. I don't know how people keep following me, especially people I know in real life! I also occasionally remember old friend Jess who I used to work with who used to have a livejournal, and who follows me on tumblr like Kitty, who sees every single suicidal, depressed post, every single annoying rant people, every single rant about how nobody wants to fuck me or be with me, every single stupid photo I post of myself, and they still follow me. It's seriously weird sometimes to realise that there are people on tumblr that I didn't meet on tumblr. Weird.
Other stuff is going on. Crue's been vomiting and the vet listed about fifteen things that could be wrong with him in increasing severity from bad reaction to food to fatal kidney disease. I'm trying him on a diet of boiled chicken and rice to see if it clears up on its own, and he's two days vomit free. Hopefully he's not actually sick. Not sure I could deal with that again. I submitted my counselling essay last night, I think it's alright. I hope. Just got a tiny bit of the last abnormal chapter to finish and then revision and in ten days semester is over. I've got three units left and then undergrad is finished, and I have to figure out what next.
I had a really good session with Nell on Tuesday. Talking about how I felt invisible, especially at work, and she started talking about how I'm doing things and am intelligent and socially aware and it's not common to find people like that where I work, so it's no wonder I don't really have any friends at work. She was really pleased when I said I was planning to do some serious work on this house over my uni holidays. I've got one session left with her.
I am doing really good lately. I don't remember ever doing this good.
I'm planning on dong nanowrimo again this year. I'm feeling some what conflicted about my plot line, it's my idea, but I feel like I'll be borrowing from certain tv shows and movies and books.
My fingers look terrible.
I go to Sydney soon, and I'm excited. I still really want to see Janika.
17:11
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