I feel a little bit like a broken record sometimes, but just look at how well I'm doing lately. The downside of having no one know about my crippling downs is that no one really notices when I'm doing super well. Except for Alex, and Milly, and the 1100 people who follow me on tumblr and don't give a shit and never talk to me. They must notice at work, but they probably don't. No one says it to me anyway, except for Alex. Sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops about how well I am doing, and how normal and motivated and healthy I feel.
I made a kick ass sandwich today. I went to the gym and did some cycling before yoga, a habit I'm hoping to develop. Then I was seriously hungry and all I wanted was some berries or a sandwich, so even though I was wearing gym clothes and no make up, I went shopping anyway. I had tuna, sprouts, tomato, cucumber, fetta, and avocado on four seed bread. It was amazing. I'm becoming a lot healthier. I eat fruit pretty regularly now, and yogurt. I still eat a lot at work though, bread rolls and donuts, as well as burgers, pies and chips a lot for lunch. Brett is on a real cooking trip again, so we have a cooked lunch nearly every day, and it's rarely super healthy. My weight has leveled out around 55kg, which is ok, but I do want to lose a bit more. The plan is to reduce the amount of crap I eat at work, donuts and bread rolls (sometimes I eat two fruit buns, and then a big lunch), and eat healthier at home. I got in to the habit of buying bars of chocolate and chocolate biscuits and constantly snacking on them. It was much better when I never bought those things. I couldn't eat them if they weren't here. I probably won't ever stop drinking coke, but I drink more juice at home than soft drink now. I drink a lot of lemon lime and bitters, and I have coke at home when I buy it at work and bring it home. I'm not particularly worried. Soft drink isn't really healthy, but I'm not going to try to cut it out completely. I want to be healthy, not restrictive. I'm not setting out to cut out all sugar or eat only organic food or deny myself unhealthy things. I just want to be healthy, to be healthier. Compared to a year ago, when I was with David, any other time that isn't the past year, I am so much healthier. And it feels good.
I'm still smoking, but shh. It's terrible I know, one day I'll stop.
I'm doing better with exercising too. It's yoga or balance three times a week, and I've started going half an hour early on Fridays to do some cycling. After uni is over for the year I'll start going more to do cardio. There's only about three weeks left. I've still got a free session with a personal trainer too. I can see the improvements from doing yoga. Sometimes I'll be doing it and notice other people who are stronger and more flexible than I am, and get a little sad, because why can't I be there? And then I remember that they've obviously been doing it more regularly for longer, and I will get there. I can touch the floor easier now, hold lunges and warriors longer, bend further, reach my toes, balance better. After I'm all warmed up I can usually get my heels on the floor in a downward dog. I can high plank to low plank slowly without being on my knees. I am improving. I'm not as good as some of the people that I see in classes regularly, but I am getting there. I will get there. I was planning on doing different classes, combat and step and pump, with Milly, but she hasn't joined the gym yet.
I sorted out my study this afternoon. I need to apply for advanced standing for a few of the units from my B.Arts and stats, which I'll do some time this week. After I complete these two units I will have three to go until I am finished undergrad. It's been so long, I'm not sure I thought I would ever finish! But it's close, one year to go. And then I'll apply for honours, hopefully get it, and hopefully do well. Even though I'm currently not planning on doing clinical masters in psychology, I think I may still try, and for that I need honours, first class honours. I have no idea what I will do my honours on, and I really do hope I get in. I have the grades. I only got credits for both stats units, but that is the requirement. I'm not so good at stats, but I think if I do it in honours, I will learn. Otherwise the plan is to get some experience counselling (probably LifeLine), do the two post grad dip courses in counselling, and do clinical masters in counselling. I figure I can do clinical counselling, get a counselling job (it seems so far away, barely even a possible reality), and then maybe after some life, go back and do masters in clinical psychology. Maybe. Counselling seems much easier to get in to, and it's not a research masters. Of course there is the internship route in to clinical psychology, if they're still doing that in a few years. I will look in to it.
I've got an essay due next weekend for counselling. I started it the other day. I'm about a third of the way through. I'm leaving the hard bit until last, where I have to detail counselling interventions, and talk about things in the first person, which is something I feel weird about doing. I kind of got away with not doing it in the last one. My exam for abnormal is on the 16th, and I'm currently doing the last chapter. I think this is the most ahead I've ever been in a unit. It feels good.
In about a month I go down to Sydney for Fall Out Boy and I'm seriously excited. Sure, I'm seeing David and getting my stuff back, again. Hopefully I do not have to spend much time with him. My feelings haven't changed since our last conversation. He's currently holidaying in America, so he is updating facebook super regularly, and it's a bit annoying. But I am even more excited because Alex and I are getting tattoos again, and I'm getting the Deathly Hallows symbol on my ankle, for sure, and maybe a semi colon on the side of my boob. Depending on how much they'll charge. We go to Broadway because it's nice, but it's much more expensive than it would be if I got a tattoo here. At least I know Broadway is clean, the places here are questionable. Alex is getting a blueberry cupcake because her nickname for her baby is berry, and it's cute.
I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of how well I am doing, and keep it up. It is much, much easier than it's ever been. And even though I get down and angry about some things like work, and I feel lonely a lot because I have no one to be interested in or who is interested in me, and I haven't been kissed or had sex for so, so long, and sometimes I crave intimacy, I bounce back pretty quickly. (J is out of hospital again now, so maybe I'll see her when I go down next month, and there's a potential potentiality, and really I have no idea, but maybe something will happen, even if it will be complicated kind of.)
I made a kick ass sandwich today. I went to the gym and did some cycling before yoga, a habit I'm hoping to develop. Then I was seriously hungry and all I wanted was some berries or a sandwich, so even though I was wearing gym clothes and no make up, I went shopping anyway. I had tuna, sprouts, tomato, cucumber, fetta, and avocado on four seed bread. It was amazing. I'm becoming a lot healthier. I eat fruit pretty regularly now, and yogurt. I still eat a lot at work though, bread rolls and donuts, as well as burgers, pies and chips a lot for lunch. Brett is on a real cooking trip again, so we have a cooked lunch nearly every day, and it's rarely super healthy. My weight has leveled out around 55kg, which is ok, but I do want to lose a bit more. The plan is to reduce the amount of crap I eat at work, donuts and bread rolls (sometimes I eat two fruit buns, and then a big lunch), and eat healthier at home. I got in to the habit of buying bars of chocolate and chocolate biscuits and constantly snacking on them. It was much better when I never bought those things. I couldn't eat them if they weren't here. I probably won't ever stop drinking coke, but I drink more juice at home than soft drink now. I drink a lot of lemon lime and bitters, and I have coke at home when I buy it at work and bring it home. I'm not particularly worried. Soft drink isn't really healthy, but I'm not going to try to cut it out completely. I want to be healthy, not restrictive. I'm not setting out to cut out all sugar or eat only organic food or deny myself unhealthy things. I just want to be healthy, to be healthier. Compared to a year ago, when I was with David, any other time that isn't the past year, I am so much healthier. And it feels good.
I'm still smoking, but shh. It's terrible I know, one day I'll stop.
I'm doing better with exercising too. It's yoga or balance three times a week, and I've started going half an hour early on Fridays to do some cycling. After uni is over for the year I'll start going more to do cardio. There's only about three weeks left. I've still got a free session with a personal trainer too. I can see the improvements from doing yoga. Sometimes I'll be doing it and notice other people who are stronger and more flexible than I am, and get a little sad, because why can't I be there? And then I remember that they've obviously been doing it more regularly for longer, and I will get there. I can touch the floor easier now, hold lunges and warriors longer, bend further, reach my toes, balance better. After I'm all warmed up I can usually get my heels on the floor in a downward dog. I can high plank to low plank slowly without being on my knees. I am improving. I'm not as good as some of the people that I see in classes regularly, but I am getting there. I will get there. I was planning on doing different classes, combat and step and pump, with Milly, but she hasn't joined the gym yet.
I sorted out my study this afternoon. I need to apply for advanced standing for a few of the units from my B.Arts and stats, which I'll do some time this week. After I complete these two units I will have three to go until I am finished undergrad. It's been so long, I'm not sure I thought I would ever finish! But it's close, one year to go. And then I'll apply for honours, hopefully get it, and hopefully do well. Even though I'm currently not planning on doing clinical masters in psychology, I think I may still try, and for that I need honours, first class honours. I have no idea what I will do my honours on, and I really do hope I get in. I have the grades. I only got credits for both stats units, but that is the requirement. I'm not so good at stats, but I think if I do it in honours, I will learn. Otherwise the plan is to get some experience counselling (probably LifeLine), do the two post grad dip courses in counselling, and do clinical masters in counselling. I figure I can do clinical counselling, get a counselling job (it seems so far away, barely even a possible reality), and then maybe after some life, go back and do masters in clinical psychology. Maybe. Counselling seems much easier to get in to, and it's not a research masters. Of course there is the internship route in to clinical psychology, if they're still doing that in a few years. I will look in to it.
I've got an essay due next weekend for counselling. I started it the other day. I'm about a third of the way through. I'm leaving the hard bit until last, where I have to detail counselling interventions, and talk about things in the first person, which is something I feel weird about doing. I kind of got away with not doing it in the last one. My exam for abnormal is on the 16th, and I'm currently doing the last chapter. I think this is the most ahead I've ever been in a unit. It feels good.
In about a month I go down to Sydney for Fall Out Boy and I'm seriously excited. Sure, I'm seeing David and getting my stuff back, again. Hopefully I do not have to spend much time with him. My feelings haven't changed since our last conversation. He's currently holidaying in America, so he is updating facebook super regularly, and it's a bit annoying. But I am even more excited because Alex and I are getting tattoos again, and I'm getting the Deathly Hallows symbol on my ankle, for sure, and maybe a semi colon on the side of my boob. Depending on how much they'll charge. We go to Broadway because it's nice, but it's much more expensive than it would be if I got a tattoo here. At least I know Broadway is clean, the places here are questionable. Alex is getting a blueberry cupcake because her nickname for her baby is berry, and it's cute.
I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of how well I am doing, and keep it up. It is much, much easier than it's ever been. And even though I get down and angry about some things like work, and I feel lonely a lot because I have no one to be interested in or who is interested in me, and I haven't been kissed or had sex for so, so long, and sometimes I crave intimacy, I bounce back pretty quickly. (J is out of hospital again now, so maybe I'll see her when I go down next month, and there's a potential potentiality, and really I have no idea, but maybe something will happen, even if it will be complicated kind of.)
18:22
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