This is going to be a happy entry, after my ranty one the other day.
Sometimes it just amazes me how well I'm doing lately. I realised yesterday that I think I no longer believe that a crash is inevitable. This might be the first time I have ever believed that I can get better, be better, live without depression. And I really, really hope it sticks. Sure I've had a few dark moments and bad days, but I recover quicker. I get angry, but it doesn't spiral in to suicidal. It's great. I fucking love it. This is the best I can remember feeling in, possibly forever.
I don't want to crash ever again. I've still got two or three sessions with Nell to go, but I can't remember when they are. I think it's two, at either end of October maybe. Then I will have had 20 sessions with Nell, and I really feel like I've only made progress in the last two, and that's because of the change of meds. I am so immensely thankful that these meds are working, that I've finally made progress. The sessions with Nell were only support therapy, so I was barely getting any strategies to work with, except for a few mindfulness pointers. For all that though, I do think she is a great psychologist. And I suppose that after CBT not working, and ACT kind of only being a relatively new-ish thing, there wasn't really much else for me to be referred for.
Work is going ok. Study is going ok. My counselling essay is due in sixteen days, but I'm not feeling enough of a sense of urgency to start it yet. I think it will be easy enough to write, once I start it. I should be able to get another good mark. I submitted my second abnormal essay only to realise that the date had been moved back a week anyway. Alex gave it a read through for me and said she thought it was good, so I hope I get a better mark than the last one. I think I just rushed the last one and didn't pay enough attention to editing.
I went to the gym early today and did some exercise bike before the yoga class. It felt good. My weight has leveled off a bit higher than it used to be, and while I still feel like I'm thin, I do want to lose a bit more. I remember being so determined to get under 60kgs, when I weighed more than that. I'm at 55kg now, and I feel like I look so much better, and I like the way I look in clothes better, but I still want a bit more. But mostly, mostly I just want to be healthy and work out and get fit. Even if it's just yoga and flexibility and strength, which I'm getting better at and it's awesome. Today was the first time I went to the gym to not just do a class, and I was a little nervous, but I did it, so now I can do it more often. I'll try to go early before the classes I go to and do a bit of bike or treadmill before each class. I've got a free personal trainer session that I need to do.
I am eating so healthy lately. When I went shopping on Tuesday I bought so much fruit and vegetables, my fridge was full of them. I made a tuna salad, which I won't be eating the rest of because I really can't eat too much red onion, I just really don't like it. I'll make the salad again, with cocktail onions or something instead of red onions. I bought a few things to make a pumpkin loaf with, but I haven't gotten around to making it yet. I buy and eat fruit now, which is something I never used to do.
I eat healthy. I go to the gym. I function. I take my meds every day. I see Milly regularly, I talk to Alex all the time. I study, and am ahead for abnormal. I smile a lot. I talk with people. I am doing damn fucking good lately and I love it.
Sometimes it just amazes me how well I'm doing lately. I realised yesterday that I think I no longer believe that a crash is inevitable. This might be the first time I have ever believed that I can get better, be better, live without depression. And I really, really hope it sticks. Sure I've had a few dark moments and bad days, but I recover quicker. I get angry, but it doesn't spiral in to suicidal. It's great. I fucking love it. This is the best I can remember feeling in, possibly forever.
I don't want to crash ever again. I've still got two or three sessions with Nell to go, but I can't remember when they are. I think it's two, at either end of October maybe. Then I will have had 20 sessions with Nell, and I really feel like I've only made progress in the last two, and that's because of the change of meds. I am so immensely thankful that these meds are working, that I've finally made progress. The sessions with Nell were only support therapy, so I was barely getting any strategies to work with, except for a few mindfulness pointers. For all that though, I do think she is a great psychologist. And I suppose that after CBT not working, and ACT kind of only being a relatively new-ish thing, there wasn't really much else for me to be referred for.
Work is going ok. Study is going ok. My counselling essay is due in sixteen days, but I'm not feeling enough of a sense of urgency to start it yet. I think it will be easy enough to write, once I start it. I should be able to get another good mark. I submitted my second abnormal essay only to realise that the date had been moved back a week anyway. Alex gave it a read through for me and said she thought it was good, so I hope I get a better mark than the last one. I think I just rushed the last one and didn't pay enough attention to editing.
I went to the gym early today and did some exercise bike before the yoga class. It felt good. My weight has leveled off a bit higher than it used to be, and while I still feel like I'm thin, I do want to lose a bit more. I remember being so determined to get under 60kgs, when I weighed more than that. I'm at 55kg now, and I feel like I look so much better, and I like the way I look in clothes better, but I still want a bit more. But mostly, mostly I just want to be healthy and work out and get fit. Even if it's just yoga and flexibility and strength, which I'm getting better at and it's awesome. Today was the first time I went to the gym to not just do a class, and I was a little nervous, but I did it, so now I can do it more often. I'll try to go early before the classes I go to and do a bit of bike or treadmill before each class. I've got a free personal trainer session that I need to do.
I am eating so healthy lately. When I went shopping on Tuesday I bought so much fruit and vegetables, my fridge was full of them. I made a tuna salad, which I won't be eating the rest of because I really can't eat too much red onion, I just really don't like it. I'll make the salad again, with cocktail onions or something instead of red onions. I bought a few things to make a pumpkin loaf with, but I haven't gotten around to making it yet. I buy and eat fruit now, which is something I never used to do.
I eat healthy. I go to the gym. I function. I take my meds every day. I see Milly regularly, I talk to Alex all the time. I study, and am ahead for abnormal. I smile a lot. I talk with people. I am doing damn fucking good lately and I love it.
19:10
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