I feel like things have been crazy, but I don't think they have been. Work has been crazy. Today was shit busy, with a power out for over an hour. We spend a lot of time on check outs now, which is shit. After the last few weekends, we've been busted hugely for not going to service calls. Really, they shouldn't need to be calling service calls every half an hour. They shouldn't need staff members from every department to man the check outs all through every day. It's ridiculous. Last weekend someone rang Brett on his day off and had a huge whinge, and so now we've been told to go every single time. At the expense of our own work. So shit's fun. We had a huge clean up today, while spending a lot of time on check outs. It didn't all get done. We've got a new girl, Rachel, occasionally working in with us. She used to work the bakery in a smaller store. At first I was worried that I'd be replaced, but I'm contracted for 32 hours so I can't be given any less than that. She was in today, packing cookies, and oh my god she was so fucking slow. So I think I'm safe. The roster for next week only had me for 32 hours, and so I was a little worried, but apparently my roster is the same as it has been for the last few weeks, so nothing to worry about I guess. Mel is still slightly annoying, but I'm trying to adopt an attitude of learned helplessness and apathy. On Mondays I now just work with her, Laura, and myself. Last Monday was ok. It wasn't too bad.
Laura is actually kind of a triggering person to be around. She talks a lot about weight and food, and how she can't eat because it's almost summer and she's put on weight and she doesn't want to put on more weight, and she doesn't want to eat certain things at all. I try to tell her that she should be kinder to her body and eat whatever she wants whenever she wants and all in moderation and health and happiness is better than the number and that this is the only body she'll have so she should learn to love it, but she doesn't always take it on board. It's hard to hear sometimes, because she's just so focused on it. She barely eats at work, and never has lunch. I get a bit worried, but I haven't noticed any blatant eating disorder tells. She doesn't talk about counting calories or severely restricting. She talks about not eating things like chocolates and lollies, and exercising. I just wish that I could help her see herself differently. She is already quite thin, she's smaller than I am, and she has said quite a few times about how I eat so much and stay so skinny. Sometimes it's hard to hear, but sometimes I try to talk to her about it.
Uni is going well. I got 78% for my abnormal essay, and a lot of comments on my writing style. I think I just rushed it and didn't do very well with editing. I got 97% on my abnormal midterm, which is fucking awesome. Granted, I treated it as open book, which I guess it kind of was. We did it on our own time while it was open. And today I got my counselling essay back in the mail with a grade of 84%. I was scared of that one, because I've never written an essay that was so, informal? It wasn't a analyse this and get stats essay, it was a here's two case studies discuss essay. But obviously I can do it. One of the comments was that I showed professional competence. That's pretty cool.
Things with Jes are weird. She bought Abi a plane ticket to go and stay with her for a week. It's been clear for a while now that Jes has just kind of given up on me. Really, ever since she started seeing Loren. We've barely had a conversation since then. She says she's busy with study, and she's living with Loren and her friends and so spends time with Christian every afternoon. And like yea, I get she's busy. We're all busy. She said that it was too hard to keep up with friends, but really, it was just too hard for her to keep up with me. She's kept close with Abi, obviously. Abi is the new me. And honestly, I didn't think Jes had money to throw around like that, especially when she posted on her private the other day about her father blowing money ridiculously and so money being tight for them. I still have the password to her private, even though she probably thinks I don't check it. I've changed mine now, so she'll probably change hers if she realises.
I'm actually more ok with it than I thought. It's been ages since we've had a decent conversation. She hooked up with Loren, lied to me about it, became distant, and it went from there. She stopped telling me things. I stopped trying because she obviously wasn't. And then she "found out" how I used to feel about her, how I wanted her and was sad that she was with Loren. Like, as if she didn't fucking know that. As if she hadn't known how I felt since ages ago. As if she didn't know when she constantly told me how one day she'd sleep with me, when I found out she cheated on Cass and I said I was sad it wasn't with me. But I don't even feel that anymore. I'm not even really sad that we're barely friends. She stopped trying, so I stopped. Yea, we were close, but we haven't been for quite a while. I cared about her, but I don't really anymore. I never knew exactly what I felt for her, and I still don't. Normally her relationships go out with a bang, because she's borderline and so a bit unstable emotionally and interpersonally, but this one just kind of faded out. I don't even know if she cares. As far as I know, she rarely keeps friends longer than a few years, the exception being her closest male friend. I've seen her go through quite a few friends, and now I'm one of them. But oh well. I'm not going to waste my time caring if she doesn't, and it really seems that she doesn't. It seems like she hasn't for a while.
I need to surround myself with people who are good for me. For a while, Jes wasn't. Alex is. Milly is. And I'm slowly getting closer to Janika, which is lovely. I do still plan to go and see her, she's in Sydney for good now. She's been in and out of hospital again, and I get so worried about her because she's so determined to self destruct. She assures me that she's safe sometimes, and other times I wait on edge for texts from her. I still just have no idea how I feel about her either, but at least she's single if anything was ever to eventuate. I just have no idea. At the moment I'm just planning to go and meet her at some point soon.
Laura is actually kind of a triggering person to be around. She talks a lot about weight and food, and how she can't eat because it's almost summer and she's put on weight and she doesn't want to put on more weight, and she doesn't want to eat certain things at all. I try to tell her that she should be kinder to her body and eat whatever she wants whenever she wants and all in moderation and health and happiness is better than the number and that this is the only body she'll have so she should learn to love it, but she doesn't always take it on board. It's hard to hear sometimes, because she's just so focused on it. She barely eats at work, and never has lunch. I get a bit worried, but I haven't noticed any blatant eating disorder tells. She doesn't talk about counting calories or severely restricting. She talks about not eating things like chocolates and lollies, and exercising. I just wish that I could help her see herself differently. She is already quite thin, she's smaller than I am, and she has said quite a few times about how I eat so much and stay so skinny. Sometimes it's hard to hear, but sometimes I try to talk to her about it.
Uni is going well. I got 78% for my abnormal essay, and a lot of comments on my writing style. I think I just rushed it and didn't do very well with editing. I got 97% on my abnormal midterm, which is fucking awesome. Granted, I treated it as open book, which I guess it kind of was. We did it on our own time while it was open. And today I got my counselling essay back in the mail with a grade of 84%. I was scared of that one, because I've never written an essay that was so, informal? It wasn't a analyse this and get stats essay, it was a here's two case studies discuss essay. But obviously I can do it. One of the comments was that I showed professional competence. That's pretty cool.
Things with Jes are weird. She bought Abi a plane ticket to go and stay with her for a week. It's been clear for a while now that Jes has just kind of given up on me. Really, ever since she started seeing Loren. We've barely had a conversation since then. She says she's busy with study, and she's living with Loren and her friends and so spends time with Christian every afternoon. And like yea, I get she's busy. We're all busy. She said that it was too hard to keep up with friends, but really, it was just too hard for her to keep up with me. She's kept close with Abi, obviously. Abi is the new me. And honestly, I didn't think Jes had money to throw around like that, especially when she posted on her private the other day about her father blowing money ridiculously and so money being tight for them. I still have the password to her private, even though she probably thinks I don't check it. I've changed mine now, so she'll probably change hers if she realises.
I'm actually more ok with it than I thought. It's been ages since we've had a decent conversation. She hooked up with Loren, lied to me about it, became distant, and it went from there. She stopped telling me things. I stopped trying because she obviously wasn't. And then she "found out" how I used to feel about her, how I wanted her and was sad that she was with Loren. Like, as if she didn't fucking know that. As if she hadn't known how I felt since ages ago. As if she didn't know when she constantly told me how one day she'd sleep with me, when I found out she cheated on Cass and I said I was sad it wasn't with me. But I don't even feel that anymore. I'm not even really sad that we're barely friends. She stopped trying, so I stopped. Yea, we were close, but we haven't been for quite a while. I cared about her, but I don't really anymore. I never knew exactly what I felt for her, and I still don't. Normally her relationships go out with a bang, because she's borderline and so a bit unstable emotionally and interpersonally, but this one just kind of faded out. I don't even know if she cares. As far as I know, she rarely keeps friends longer than a few years, the exception being her closest male friend. I've seen her go through quite a few friends, and now I'm one of them. But oh well. I'm not going to waste my time caring if she doesn't, and it really seems that she doesn't. It seems like she hasn't for a while.
I need to surround myself with people who are good for me. For a while, Jes wasn't. Alex is. Milly is. And I'm slowly getting closer to Janika, which is lovely. I do still plan to go and see her, she's in Sydney for good now. She's been in and out of hospital again, and I get so worried about her because she's so determined to self destruct. She assures me that she's safe sometimes, and other times I wait on edge for texts from her. I still just have no idea how I feel about her either, but at least she's single if anything was ever to eventuate. I just have no idea. At the moment I'm just planning to go and meet her at some point soon.
17:02
Mel - ignore her. Tolerate her. Just don't take entire notice of her or what she says or does.
ReplyDeleteLaura - She is her, with her own problems. Just because she thinks she's fat doesn't mean you are. Don't let her words become your thoughts! You're stronger than that!