healthy

I feel a little bit like a broken record sometimes, but just look at how well I'm doing lately. The downside of having no one know about my crippling downs is that no one really notices when I'm doing super well. Except for Alex, and Milly, and the 1100 people who follow me on tumblr and don't give a shit and never talk to me. They must notice at work, but they probably don't. No one says it to me anyway, except for Alex. Sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops about how well I am doing, and how normal and motivated and healthy I feel.

I made a kick ass sandwich today. I went to the gym and did some cycling before yoga, a habit I'm hoping to develop. Then I was seriously hungry and all I wanted was some berries or a sandwich, so even though I was wearing gym clothes and no make up, I went shopping anyway. I had tuna, sprouts, tomato, cucumber, fetta, and avocado on four seed bread. It was amazing. I'm becoming a lot healthier. I eat fruit pretty regularly now, and yogurt. I still eat a lot at work though, bread rolls and donuts, as well as burgers, pies and chips a lot for lunch. Brett is on a real cooking trip again, so we have a cooked lunch nearly every day, and it's rarely super healthy. My weight has leveled out around 55kg, which is ok, but I do want to lose a bit more. The plan is to reduce the amount of crap I eat at work, donuts and bread rolls (sometimes I eat two fruit buns, and then a big lunch), and eat healthier at home. I got in to the habit of buying bars of chocolate and chocolate biscuits and constantly snacking on them. It was much better when I never bought those things. I couldn't eat them if they weren't here. I probably won't ever stop drinking coke, but I drink more juice at home than soft drink now. I drink a lot of lemon lime and bitters, and I have coke at home when I buy it at work and bring it home. I'm not particularly worried. Soft drink isn't really healthy, but I'm not going to try to cut it out completely. I want to be healthy, not restrictive. I'm not setting out to cut out all sugar or eat only organic food or deny myself unhealthy things. I just want to be healthy, to be healthier. Compared to a year ago, when I was with David, any other time that isn't the past year, I am so much healthier. And it feels good.

I'm still smoking, but shh. It's terrible I know, one day I'll stop.

I'm doing better with exercising too. It's yoga or balance three times a week, and I've started going half an hour early on Fridays to do some cycling. After uni is over for the year I'll start going more to do cardio. There's only about three weeks left. I've still got a free session with a personal trainer too. I can see the improvements from doing yoga. Sometimes I'll be doing it and notice other people who are stronger and more flexible than I am, and get a little sad, because why can't I be there? And then I remember that they've obviously been doing it more regularly for longer, and I will get there. I can touch the floor easier now, hold lunges and warriors longer, bend further, reach my toes, balance better. After I'm all warmed up I can usually get my heels on the floor in a downward dog. I can high plank to low plank slowly without being on my knees. I am improving. I'm not as good as some of the people that I see in classes regularly, but I am getting there. I will get there. I was planning on doing different classes, combat and step and pump, with Milly, but she hasn't joined the gym yet.

I sorted out my study this afternoon. I need to apply for advanced standing for a few of the units from my B.Arts and stats, which I'll do some time this week. After I complete these two units I will have three to go until I am finished undergrad. It's been so long, I'm not sure I thought I would ever finish! But it's close, one year to go. And then I'll apply for honours, hopefully get it, and hopefully do well. Even though I'm currently not planning on doing clinical masters in psychology, I think I may still try, and for that I need honours, first class honours. I have no idea what I will do my honours on, and I really do hope I get in. I have the grades. I only got credits for both stats units, but that is the requirement. I'm not so good at stats, but I think if I do it in honours, I will learn. Otherwise the plan is to get some experience counselling (probably LifeLine), do the two post grad dip courses in counselling, and do clinical masters in counselling. I figure I can do clinical counselling, get a counselling job (it seems so far away, barely even a possible reality), and then maybe after some life, go back and do masters in clinical psychology. Maybe. Counselling seems much easier to get in to, and it's not a research masters. Of course there is the internship route in to clinical psychology, if they're still doing that in a few years. I will look in to it.

I've got an essay due next weekend for counselling. I started it the other day. I'm about a third of the way through. I'm leaving the hard bit until last, where I have to detail counselling interventions, and talk about things in the first person, which is something I feel weird about doing. I kind of got away with not doing it in the last one. My exam for abnormal is on the 16th, and I'm currently doing the last chapter. I think this is the most ahead I've ever been in a unit. It feels good.

In about a month I go down to Sydney for Fall Out Boy and I'm seriously excited. Sure, I'm seeing David and getting my stuff back, again. Hopefully I do not have to spend much time with him. My feelings haven't changed since our last conversation. He's currently holidaying in America, so he is updating facebook super regularly, and it's a bit annoying. But I am even more excited because Alex and I are getting tattoos again, and I'm getting the Deathly Hallows symbol on my ankle, for sure, and maybe a semi colon on the side of my boob. Depending on how much they'll charge. We go to Broadway because it's nice, but it's much more expensive than it would be if I got a tattoo here. At least I know Broadway is clean, the places here are questionable. Alex is getting a blueberry cupcake because her nickname for her baby is berry, and it's cute.

I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of how well I am doing, and keep it up. It is much, much easier than it's ever been. And even though I get down and angry about some things like work, and I feel lonely a lot because I have no one to be interested in or who is interested in me, and I haven't been kissed or had sex for so, so long, and sometimes I crave intimacy, I bounce back pretty quickly. (J is out of hospital again now, so maybe I'll see her when I go down next month, and there's a potential potentiality, and really I have no idea, but maybe something will happen, even if it will be complicated kind of.)

18:22

better

This is going to be a happy entry, after my ranty one the other day.

Sometimes it just amazes me how well I'm doing lately. I realised yesterday that I think I no longer believe that a crash is inevitable. This might be the first time I have ever believed that I can get better, be better, live without depression. And I really, really hope it sticks. Sure I've had a few dark moments and bad days, but I recover quicker. I get angry, but it doesn't spiral in to suicidal. It's great. I fucking love it. This is the best I can remember feeling in, possibly forever.

I don't want to crash ever again. I've still got two or three sessions with Nell to go, but I can't remember when they are. I think it's two, at either end of October maybe. Then I will have had 20 sessions with Nell, and I really feel like I've only made progress in the last two, and that's because of the change of meds. I am so immensely thankful that these meds are working, that I've finally made progress. The sessions with Nell were only support therapy, so I was barely getting any strategies to work with, except for a few mindfulness pointers. For all that though, I do think she is a great psychologist. And I suppose that after CBT not working, and ACT kind of only being a relatively new-ish thing, there wasn't really much else for me to be referred for.

Work is going ok. Study is going ok. My counselling essay is due in sixteen days, but I'm not feeling enough of a sense of urgency to start it yet. I think it will be easy enough to write, once I start it. I should be able to get another good mark. I submitted my second abnormal essay only to realise that the date had been moved back a week anyway. Alex gave it a read through for me and said she thought it was good, so I hope I get a better mark than the last one. I think I just rushed the last one and didn't pay enough attention to editing.

I went to the gym early today and did some exercise bike before the yoga class. It felt good. My weight has leveled off a bit higher than it used to be, and while I still feel like I'm thin, I do want to lose a bit more. I remember being so determined to get under 60kgs, when I weighed more than that. I'm at 55kg now, and I feel like I look so much better, and I like the way I look in clothes better, but I still want a bit more. But mostly, mostly I just want to be healthy and work out and get fit. Even if it's just yoga and flexibility and strength, which I'm getting better at and it's awesome. Today was the first time I went to the gym to not just do a class, and I was a little nervous, but I did it, so now I can do it more often. I'll try to go early before the classes I go to and do a bit of bike or treadmill before each class. I've got a free personal trainer session that I need to do.

I am eating so healthy lately. When I went shopping on Tuesday I bought so much fruit and vegetables, my fridge was full of them. I made a tuna salad, which I won't be eating the rest of because I really can't eat too much red onion, I just really don't like it. I'll make the salad again, with cocktail onions or something instead of red onions. I bought a few things to make a pumpkin loaf with, but I haven't gotten around to making it yet. I buy and eat fruit now, which is something I never used to do.

I eat healthy. I go to the gym. I function. I take my meds every day. I see Milly regularly, I talk to Alex all the time. I study, and am ahead for abnormal. I smile a lot. I talk with people. I am doing damn fucking good lately and I love it.

19:10

rant

I'm tired and grumpy and I have a headache and it's cold again and so I'm just going to complain a bit.

So I went over to Optus today to ask about my phone. The other day the guy told me my excess would likely be zero because I've been paying insurance on a plan for so long. I thought, I'll just back up on to my old iphone and use that while I send it away, and I can still have all of my apps and photos and everything and I won't even notice. But then it wouldn't back up and it kept coming up with error messages. First it said there wasn't enough space on the old phone, which is ridiculous, because they're the same size phones. I figured the back up would just restore over the old data, or just add the new stuff on. But apparently not. Also, I think there's a problem with the old cord, because I remember having troubles connecting it to my laptop before.

So today I go over, and the girl tells me that what they've usually been doing is just giving people new phones instead of repairing them. And also, why haven't I called insurance yet to make a claim? Because the guy I spoke to last week just told me to bring it in once I'd backed it up and they'd do it. It took me forever to get the old sim out of my old phone, cause I thought, I'd put my current sim in and just not back it up and go without a few apps and the newer photos until I get my current phone back or a new one. And then of course, the sim cards aren't even the same size. So I can't put my current sim in the old phone, and I can't restore the back up on my old phone, and I didn't know if I could get a new, bigger sim, or somehow a replacement phone just so that I can still text. So I went over, and called insurance from there, only to be told that my excess will be $75, and that I have to pay that and then send my phone to them for assessment. I won't get my phone back, or a new one, until they've assessed it. But I can't restore the back up on my old phone, although they can give me a new sim.

So in my annoyance, I completely erased my old phone, thinking it'd restore the back up if there was nothing on it. But then, it needs a sim card to activate, which I don't have for it. So I can't do anything. The girl at Optus told me I could take my laptop over and restore it on to my old phone from there and they'd be able to help with any problems I had. So at this point I think I will pay the fucking excess, take both my phones over there, get a new sim for the old phone, and restore it there, and if it works, send my phone away for assessment.

I'm kind of wondering whether it's even worth it. I've been so stressed out about all this shit not working, it's ridiculous. Sure, my screen is cracked, but it's definitely still completely functional, and maybe I should just deal with it. On the other hand, this is what I pay insurance for. I just thought for sure that the excess would be zero, and I didn't realise the sim cards would be different sizes for the different models. I thought this would be easy, simple, but it's not. And it's fucking annoying me. But, I've already spoken to insurance, so they know I'm planning on making a claim, and then, what if I don't go through with it, but break it again at a later date, and then have them not fix it because I'd already decided not to? I don't know. All I can do is just take everything to Optus tomorrow and hopefully my old iphone will restore the back up with a better cord and a new sim and nothing on it. It should just set up like a brand new phone, and I should just be able to restore the back up no problem. At least, I hope so. I wonder if they'll just give me a new sim before I decide to send it away, just to see if it works. I guess really, the worst that can happen is that I have to copy out all my contacts somehow and just redownload the apps I use most often (like facebook and hipstamatic and instagram and oggl and tumblr and dosebox and suduko) and just go without everything else and all my photos until I get a 5 back so I can completely restore from back up. That shouldn't be too hard, right? I barely text anyone. The only reason I don't want to not have a working phone really is because texting is my only form of communication with work, and I text Mum and Milly and Alex a lot, though I can keep up with them via tumblr and facebook off the laptop, and I take so many photos all of the time. Honestly, the world won't end if I don't have a phone for a few days, I'm not going to miss anything important. I'll just not be able to contact a few people and I'll be bored without the internet right where I am all of the time.

I don't know. It's just all been too much hassle. It's my own stupid fault anyway. If I hadn't dropped it on the fucking concrete at the gym last week, everything would be fine.

It's cold again and raining a lot. I did washing on Sunday, and hung it out under the pergola because it looked like it would rain. And it's been raining ever since. And it'd be absolutely fine, if the pergola didn't leak. So half the clothes are still out there, wet because of the leak and the rain, and also, the cement is fucking fucked and so there's a big dip and I can't walk down there without getting my feet soaked. Just one of a thousand reasons why I hate this house. And I hope it's sunny tomorrow because I need to wash again because I will need the work clothes, and also, Crue kind of vomited on my sheet the other day (thankfully not anywhere near the part of the bed that I sleep in, but still, fucking pissed about it), and even if I didn't have other stuff to wash and hang under the pergola, the line isn't big enough for a sheet anyway.

Also the air conditioning in this house is fucked and needs major fixing. Mum's whinging about the money it'll cost because she needs to get hers fixed as well, and I know I should be good and help pay for it but I don't know. This whole situation we're in, where she's been on a single parent pension for the last 25 years and Gary does nothing and the absolute state of this house, and every single thing that has ever happened is just so, so fucked. And honestly, I can't help but blame her. Not for all of it, but for landing all of us here in the first place. For believing in my father, for never getting a job, for being sick, for being poor, for Gary, for all the complaining, from the severe lack of money, for complaining. I know that's really a terrible thing to say and think, but sometimes she just sits there and begs for sympathy and talks about how this isn't the way she's supposed to be living, and yea, I get that. But you made choices that got you there. I didn't make those choices. She didn't have to make those choices for us, for all of us. And like, I don't resent her for how things are, and I know that things could be so much different but not any better, and without Gary there wouldn't be Ricky and Arche, and everything is complicated, but I still get fucking angry over it sometimes and I am so, so sick of hearing about how everything sucks for her. Yes, she's got a shitty, shitty partner, and no money, and no job and no security and this fucked up house (which she did to herself, and to us). But things suck for me too. I live in this house with all of her crap, with sometimes crippling depression, trying to manage a full time job and a university degree so that I don't end up exactly like she did, and sometimes I just get so sick of her woe is me shit. And I didn't even mean to rant about this. That just came out of nowhere. When I get annoyed over one little thing, I just get annoyed about everything.

Work is fun. We were supposed to get the area manager yesterday. He came a few weeks ago, without much warning, and so we'd left all the food and shit in the bakery, which obviously, we are not supposed to have. Anyway, he didn't say anything, Brett freaked heaps, but it was all ok. But then we knew he was coming again, so we did tonnes of cleaning and organising and shit. Yesterday was Brett's day off, so I started work an hour early to do the freezer load and all the stuff he does as manager, and then had to reorganise the floor because they'd moved everything, on top of slicing the bread and doing all the other shit and going to check outs all the time. I worked my ass off, I always do. I always do much more than I should do, I always stay back if I need to, I do much better work than some of the others. But I get nothing. Mel has been really slack lately. Like I know she lost the fetuses and that must be hard, but still, fucking work alright. She's back to her old tricks, doing only what she wants, turning up and leaving early, and the like. But still the fucking sun shines out of her ass. Yesterday I go in early, I do all the work, she does nothing, but he's still texting her, asking her how things are, telling her what we should do for the day. Like I put in so much effort, but I'm not married to anybody so I'm invisible. And I'm fucking sick of it. I should adopt her attitude, be more like her. If he wants to put all of his faith in her while she doesn't do any of the work, he can have her work every single fucking weekend, do all the shit that I do, slice the bread every fucking day.

So I passively aggressively posted to facebook "do all the work, get none of the credit", knowing that he'd see it at some point, that it was vague enough to not get me in trouble for posting work stuff to facebook (which, it seems, is something only I get in trouble for, everybody else does it, like everything else, I always get in trouble). He didn't say anything about it, but he was a lot nicer to me today, thanking me for yesterday. But only because Mel wasn't there. On Thursday when she's there it'll be back to normal, me being invisible and her being the fucking princess.

And I'm pissed because I want to join the union at work. I've been there for nearly eight years, and I don't know why I didn't join when I started working there, and I feel like it's stupid that I'm not a member. I thought, I'll just go to the website and join there, but I can't. I have to fill out a form with a delegate at work and have them send it away. And I just feel stupid because I feel like I'll be considered stupid for not already being a member, that it'll be embarrassing to ask someone to sign me up, because I should already be a member. I know who to ask (fucking Patrick, sleazy ass guy, or another produce guy, both of which are only there on weekends), but I don't want them to know that I haven't joined already. I don't want anyone to know. I just wanted to do it and have nobody realise. I feel stupid about it, embarrassed. Like I know that they probably won't care, but I still just don't want everyone to know. It's like what I did with driving, I didn't do it, so I got anxious about it, so I didn't do it. But I should just do it. I just need to suck it up and get over the fact that I'm an idiot for not already being a member (honestly, it wasn't even something I thought about until now Abbott is in and Kitty posted a status saying that people should join their unions), and maybe I can just pretend I thought I had already joined, or something.

I don't know. I'm pissed. I've been seriously angry for the past few days now, although work was alright today. I ordered shoes online for Ricky from America and he has rang asking about them every day since. I keep telling him that I will let him know where they are when I get updates (they're currently in transit from America, so no updates until they hit the country) but he keeps ringing me anyway. And I'm sick of fucking being invisible on tumblr. I'm sick of being invisible in real life. I'm sick of constantly worrying about money even though I probably don't need to, and I've even set up a savings account now with weekly deposits (currently saving for my next three trips to Sydney, and hopefully even a tattoo). I'm sick of fucking everything. But I'm not depressed, I'm not down or suicidal and helpless or apathetic. I'm angry, which is a nice change, even if it is a shitty emotion.

On the plus side (I have to remember to keep looking there), I currently have a fridge full of super healthy food, and I'm in love with a YA novel series, and I can afford the next few dvds I want to buy, and I love spending time with Milly and always talking to Alex, and I got good grades so far this semester, and I ordered some new books, and I go to Sydney relatively soon-ish, and I'm still functioning. So there's all that.

20:20

busy

I feel like things have been crazy, but I don't think they have been. Work has been crazy. Today was shit busy, with a power out for over an hour. We spend a lot of time on check outs now, which is shit. After the last few weekends, we've been busted hugely for not going to service calls. Really, they shouldn't need to be calling service calls every half an hour. They shouldn't need staff members from every department to man the check outs all through every day. It's ridiculous. Last weekend someone rang Brett on his day off and had a huge whinge, and so now we've been told to go every single time. At the expense of our own work. So shit's fun. We had a huge clean up today, while spending a lot of time on check outs. It didn't all get done. We've got a new girl, Rachel, occasionally working in with us. She used to work the bakery in a smaller store. At first I was worried that I'd be replaced, but I'm contracted for 32 hours so I can't be given any less than that. She was in today, packing cookies, and oh my god she was so fucking slow. So I think I'm safe. The roster for next week only had me for 32 hours, and so I was a little worried, but apparently my roster is the same as it has been for the last few weeks, so nothing to worry about I guess. Mel is still slightly annoying, but I'm trying to adopt an attitude of learned helplessness and apathy. On Mondays I now just work with her, Laura, and myself. Last Monday was ok. It wasn't too bad.

Laura is actually kind of a triggering person to be around. She talks a lot about weight and food, and how she can't eat because it's almost summer and she's put on weight and she doesn't want to put on more weight, and she doesn't want to eat certain things at all. I try to tell her that she should be kinder to her body and eat whatever she wants whenever she wants and all in moderation and health and happiness is better than the number and that this is the only body she'll have so she should learn to love it, but she doesn't always take it on board. It's hard to hear sometimes, because she's just so focused on it. She barely eats at work, and never has lunch. I get a bit worried, but I haven't noticed any blatant eating disorder tells. She doesn't talk about counting calories or severely restricting. She talks about not eating things like chocolates and lollies, and exercising. I just wish that I could help her see herself differently. She is already quite thin, she's smaller than I am, and she has said quite a few times about how I eat so much and stay so skinny. Sometimes it's hard to hear, but sometimes I try to talk to her about it.

Uni is going well. I got 78% for my abnormal essay, and a lot of comments on my writing style. I think I just rushed it and didn't do very well with editing. I got 97% on my abnormal midterm, which is fucking awesome. Granted, I treated it as open book, which I guess it kind of was. We did it on our own time while it was open. And today I got my counselling essay back in the mail with a grade of 84%. I was scared of that one, because I've never written an essay that was so, informal? It wasn't a analyse this and get stats essay, it was a here's two case studies discuss essay. But obviously I can do it. One of the comments was that I showed professional competence. That's pretty cool.

Things with Jes are weird. She bought Abi a plane ticket to go and stay with her for a week. It's been clear for a while now that Jes has just kind of given up on me. Really, ever since she started seeing Loren. We've barely had a conversation since then. She says she's busy with study, and she's living with Loren and her friends and so spends time with Christian every afternoon. And like yea, I get she's busy. We're all busy. She said that it was too hard to keep up with friends, but really, it was just too hard for her to keep up with me. She's kept close with Abi, obviously. Abi is the new me. And honestly, I didn't think Jes had money to throw around like that, especially when she posted on her private the other day about her father blowing money ridiculously and so money being tight for them. I still have the password to her private, even though she probably thinks I don't check it. I've changed mine now, so she'll probably change hers if she realises.

I'm actually more ok with it than I thought. It's been ages since we've had a decent conversation. She hooked up with Loren, lied to me about it, became distant, and it went from there. She stopped telling me things. I stopped trying because she obviously wasn't. And then she "found out" how I used to feel about her, how I wanted her and was sad that she was with Loren. Like, as if she didn't fucking know that. As if she hadn't known how I felt since ages ago. As if she didn't know when she constantly told me how one day she'd sleep with me, when I found out she cheated on Cass and I said I was sad it wasn't with me. But I don't even feel that anymore. I'm not even really sad that we're barely friends. She stopped trying, so I stopped. Yea, we were close, but we haven't been for quite a while. I cared about her, but I don't really anymore. I never knew exactly what I felt for her, and I still don't. Normally her relationships go out with a bang, because she's borderline and so a bit unstable emotionally and interpersonally, but this one just kind of faded out. I don't even know if she cares. As far as I know, she rarely keeps friends longer than a few years, the exception being her closest male friend. I've seen her go through quite a few friends, and now I'm one of them. But oh well. I'm not going to waste my time caring if she doesn't, and it really seems that she doesn't. It seems like she hasn't for a while.

I need to surround myself with people who are good for me. For a while, Jes wasn't. Alex is. Milly is. And I'm slowly getting closer to Janika, which is lovely. I do still plan to go and see her, she's in Sydney for good now. She's been in and out of hospital again, and I get so worried about her because she's so determined to self destruct. She assures me that she's safe sometimes, and other times I wait on edge for texts from her. I still just have no idea how I feel about her either, but at least she's single if anything was ever to eventuate. I just have no idea. At the moment I'm just planning to go and meet her at some point soon.

17:02

anger

I write about things as they happen on tumblr, with the result that I rarely write about anything on here.

So David happened. Again. He messaged me the other day saying that he'd found some more of my things, that he'd drive them up. So I was angry. Really angry. I mean seriously, it has nearly been two years since he left me, and he hasn't found a single afternoon in all that time to go through the things in his back room to separate out my stuff from his. I thought when I went down in March, it was to get all of my things. I thought that was how the plan was supposed to go. But here I am, in fucking September, with him still having more of my stuff. He is just so incompetent. Is he doing this just so he can keep shoving himself back in to my life? Is this a control thing? I kept asking him to tell me when he was leaving (for a holiday to America), so that I could just go down and get it myself, seeing as how he can't do it. But he refused to tell me. I must have asked him at least ten times. I was angry. It got nasty. He told me I needed help, making more cracks on my mental stability after the man left me to kill myself. Like, how fucking dare he? I am not unreasonable in being completely irate for the fact that he has failed to do one simple thing he said he would do. I am not unreasonable for being completely irate about how and why he left me. But he doesn't see that, all he thinks is that I'm unstable and stupid and unreasonable.

So I got mean. Seriously mean. And it helped, I felt better. And I didn't even care. It felt good to hurt him. If I can hurt him even a tiny fraction of the amount that he hurt me, than good. I told him that he only "went out of his way" (his words, not mine) to help me when I went to get my stuff in March was because I let him think that things were ok. It wasn't really how it went down at the time, but it's how I feel now. He was a little shocked. I basically said that I talked to him, sent him nudes, "shared secrets", "let him believe we were friends", and fucked him just to get my stuff back. Which yea, is how I feel about it now.

And then he told me that he still loves me. Cue the "I'm sorry and I fucked up and I want to make it better" and seriously, I am so sick of hearing it. He fucked up. He fucked up beyond repair. I am so sick of him bringing it up, and telling me he loves me? What even is that? He messages me, gets upset when I get reasonably angry at him, takes cheap shots at my mental stability, gets upset when I say mean things that aren't completely unreasonable for me to say, and then to counter that, tells me that he still loves me and wants to talk about things rationally. As soon as I start acting like he is, then it's time to sit down and talk about things like adults. I don't think so. I don't want to talk about things. I am so down with talking about things. I just want my things back, and I'll be quite happy to never see him again. I don't care that he still loves me. I don't care that he's upset about how things turned out, about the choices that only he made that influenced how things turned out. I just simple do not care. It took me a hell of a long time to get over this, to be ok with how he left me and I how felt. Not to mention the fact that my crippling depression "forced" this. As if that was something I needed on top of him leaving. It had taken me up until a couple of months ago to even feel remotely like a person again. And now I'm on meds that are working and in therapy and I'm functioning and things are ok, and he does this, again. I am finally at a place where I am fine with the fact that he left me, happy about it even (because if he didn't, I'd probably be worse and have never gotten to this point with myself), and he just jumps in with more of my stuff and his incompetence, and his "I still love you" lines and seriously, I could not care less.

So anyway. When I go down for Fall Out Boy I'll be getting my stuff. I don't even know what's there, but it's obvious that I don't miss it. I told him I'd drive down and get it, and he refused to tell me when he wouldn't be there. And I'm refusing to have him drive up here. Mostly just because I don't want to have him here, and because I'm really not even sure he would. I mean, it's been two years nearly. How am I supposed to believe him? I did suggest to him that he just sort it out and take it to Alex's so that I could just pick it up whenever, but he ignored me. And so I'll get it when I'm there for the concert, take it to Alex's and sort through it and decide what to bring back on the plane. I know that Alex won't mind keeping stuff for me, especially because I'll be back there two weeks after. Hopefully I will not have to spend any more time with him than necessary to just somehow get my stuff from Haberfield to Lilyfield. As it stands, I'm not sure how that will happen. Maybe Mel will drive it? I don't want David to drive me because then he might just not leave, and I really do not want to spend time with him.

I just want to get my things back and then never really have to talk to him again. I am sick of him and of this situation and of his attempts to fix the unfixable. I won't forgive him for what he did, and it's ridiculous for him to expect me to. I don't want to be his friend. I don't ever want to get back with him. In a way, I'm a little happy he's still in love with me, because maybe he'll feel a tiny bit of the pain that I've felt for so long.

Anyway. That was a few days ago and I'm over it now. And I haven't heard from him again since so it's all ok. Other stuff going on is just work and study and going to the gym and trying to stay functional. I've been doing good since I last went downhill, but sometimes I feel it creeping back in, and I try to beat it. I beat it the other day by forcing Mel to slice at work. That was fun.

Things are a bit weird with people. I don't know what's going on with Jes. Most of the time I just don't know what goes on with me and other people. I also don't know what's going on with J. I really want to go and see her, but I'm never certain if she wants me to. I get confused about how I feel about her, about how she might feel about me. Sometimes I get some indications and I think that maybe I should go and see her, maybe she does want to see me, maybe something could happen, but I never feel like I know for sure. Add on top of the fact that she's been in and out of hospital lately, and she doesn't always reply to messages, and so I just don't know. I do want to see her. I do want to think that something could eventuate, but I don't know. I just don't know, and I just want to know. I really, really want to know. (But maybe it would be silly to try to pursue something, with distance and uncertainty and instability.)

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