back

I am so sleepy today.

But I'm back. And it's glorious. I don't know what happened, what brought me back, but the crash is over and all I have to show for it is a bunch of healing cuts on my arm. Maybe it was just time. Maybe it was Mel working half a day on Tuesday and so I spent the other half with Anjina and Laura and felt like I wasn't invisible anymore. Maybe it's because the cleaning we did on Monday was supposed to be "shared", but I scrubbed trays for three hours and Mel put away the wrapping, and then wiped a bench. And then on Tuesday Mel scrubbed trays for three hours and I cleaned benches. That was probably it. I always feel so much better at work when Mel isn't there. She wasn't there on Thursday either. She had the procedure to remove the fetuses, and then apparently had a bad reaction to the anesthetic, and then has been in hospital most of the week. It is pretty terrible, I'll admit, but I really just don't care. I don't feel sorry for her, or bad for her, I just feel meh about the whole thing. And now I don't have her leaving to look forward to. Of course they'll try again, maybe soon a pregnancy will stick. But it'll be this all over again, the telling everybody, announcing it on facebook, lapping up the attention.

Anyway, I am so glad I feel better again. It's another thing that makes me think that these meds are actually working. Sure I've had a lot of back steps these past few weeks, and this week was the worst I've had in ages, but I'm doing better now. I was going to cancel the psych appointment on Tuesday, but I went anyway. Not that we're really getting anywhere. She's all like "you know the things you can do to change things, you just won't do them." Basically, those things are moving out of this house and/or just cleaning up all mum's stuff and getting it out of the house. And finding nonexistent LGBTQI* social groups. I say nonexistent, because once I found a page for a local group that hadn't seen activity in like 16 months. Of course, there are non-straight people in this town, I just don't know any, and this town isn't big enough for the kinds of groups you'd get in a place like Sydney.

Anyway, I am still planning on driving down to Western Sydney to meet and stay with Janika for a few days. I think I like her. I think it could develop. It'd just be really hard because she'll be living in Sydney (I think, maybe Newcastle) after she does this house sitting thing, and I don't know if a relationship with her would really be workable. I am really, really excited at the idea of going to meet her. She's such a lovely girl.

I went to the morning yoga class today, which I'd decided to skip because the first few times I went to it the class was really easy. I went today cause it's Rick's birthday and so I was doing gifting and cake this afternoon. I was also supposed to hang with Milly, but then she had to help out her mum (so tomorrow). It was a hard, hard class today. I think that's why I'm so sleepy. A lot of down dogs and lunges and planks and my whole body aches, but it's nice. I can see me getting stronger and more flexible. I can now successfully go from high plank to low plank and hold it before releasing on to the floor. Plus the girl that runs the morning class is seriously attractive. But there was a tonne of people in the class this morning, and this group of three girls and a boy, and they giggled through the whole class. There was a couple of times, with a few of the harder positions (like balancing on your hands) that a lot of the class laughed at, but it just annoyed me. Like, yoga is supposed to be calming and relaxing. Not giggling and talking.

Study is going well. Semester begins up again on Monday and I'm now a week ahead. I got my marks back for my abnormal essay, and I only got 78, which is a distinction, but I was still disappointed. I thought I would have done better. My second abnormal essay is due in two weeks and I think I'll start it in the next few days. I'll try to really work on it. I have no idea when I'll get the marks for the counselling essay. I aced the multiple choice part of the abnormal midterm (58/60), but I really want to know how I did on the short answers. I should get high marks for them. I'm hoping for a high distinction. Hoping.

That's another thing with Nell on Tuesday. She kept talking about how I was finishing this year, but I'm not. I need to figure it all out again, but I know I won't finish until at least half way through next year. She kept asking if I was going to move to Armidale to do honours full time. Anyway, as much as this house sucks, I think it would be more stressful for me to completely pack up and move to a different town, even if it is just Armidale. I'd have to find somewhere to live, get a job transfer, deal with the guilt that mum will pile on me for leaving her house and her with two mortgages and my "lack of help" with this house, not to mention the fact that nobody else helps her, as if that's my fault.

Anyway, I plan to do more of the cleaning out and up and organising and shit after this semester is over. Of course I'm planning on doing NaNoWriMo again, but after that it'll be at least two months for me to do nothing study related (except maybe, think about honours and ideas if I'm still planning on doing it). I am hoping to do something. To get somewhere. To get mum to start doing things. She keeps saying she's so busy and doesn't have time, and you know what, I don't either. Sure, I don't have kids, but I work full time, and I study, but this house is ridiculous, and her house is going the same way, and she's not just going to magically find time, she has to make time. This shit has to get done. She has to realise that I am not going to live in this house forever, and this house cannot stay the way it is. I need a life. And that life includes a house that isn't full of shit so that when I do meet somebody, or get more friends, I can invite people over and not need to shut every door in the house, or really, just invite people over.

Anyway, about Jes. This isn't going on the tumblr, cause she reads it. Ever since I wrote about how I felt about her on the 8th, about distancing myself because she's with Loren and happy and it makes me a little sad (ok, it used to make me a lot sad), and how I hated that she kept saying she wanted to fuck me when she was with Cass, and how she cheated on Cass, and then didn't really finish that sentence, we've barely talked. She texted me yesterday, saying that she missed me. Like, I haven't gone anywhere, she's just been busy. And I know she's taken on a huge study load, and a lot of her time is taken up with Christian because she's not living at home, but it doesn't take long to send a text or two every so often. I gave up initiating conversations because it got to the point where I felt like she just wasn't even bothered to be my friend anymore. I feel very replaced, by this girl Abi, that lives in Melbourne. Apparently they're like besties now, and like, sure Jes is busy, but she's obviously keeping up with Abi, like she used to keep up with me. She said she was going to distance herself when she read what I wrote, which was eight days after I wrote it. By that time I was already feeling replaced and distanced, and really, I think the feelings that I had for her have faded quite away. I got myself to the point I wanted to get to, where I wasn't sad that she was with Loren (well, not terribly sad), where it was ok that I know she's never going to be with me, not even just once. When she messaged me yesterday, she was like "I know you think I've stopped caring about you, but I haven't," but it really feels like she has. I got too close, too involved, and she "realised" (as if she didn't know, as if she's never known) and backed off, and now I've been replaced. And it's kind of gotten to the point now where I'm not terribly bothered. In all but two of my friendships (the two being Alex and Milly), this has always happened, in one way or another. It's like everybody gets sick of me, I get to be too much work, people just fade away, like I'm not interesting or nice enough to keep them. It happens, it happens to me a lot, and it sucks, but I'm used to it, and I expect it. And so even though Jes and I used to be really close, we're not now, and it's kind of her fault, even though for a while now I've felt like she doesn't want me, and so I backed off initially. I always think that if somebody wants you in their life enough, they'll make sure you stay. And she kind of, hasn't. So I don't know where we'll go from here, whether she'll keep bothering to text me in her very busy study and life schedule (that she can still talk to Abi in of course, just not me). I'm not going to push it. I know this is what I do, and it's not necessarily conducive to forming stable relationships, but I feel unwanted and replaced, and she knows this, and honestly, it's up to her to make me feel that she wants me in her life. I just hate putting effort in and feeling like it's useless. 

19:30. 

tired

I am so, so sick of this cycling thing I'm doing. I am up and then I'm down and then I'm neutral and then I want to kill myself and then I'm lost and a bit hazy and generally apathetic but ok. That's how my week went.

Thursday was seriously fucked for some reason I don't even know. Mel was at work and it just hit me how unnoticed I am and how under appreciated and I am and how everybody loves Mel and then it extends to everybody I know instead of just work people and every situation. Like how Milly has Joe and Jes has Loren (and I miss her but she's so busy caught up in all of the good things that I just get left, which is relevant for everybody) and Alex has, well I think she's flirting with another girl on tumblr. And all these people have other better people they can hang out with, and nobody talks to me at work if I don't throw myself in to a conversation. I just feel completely invisible so much of the time.

And so on Thursday I came home from work and sat around doing nothing, until I decided to cut myself, and then I went to buy some vodka. I didn't get drunk or anything, I just had two drinks, but the result was the same, which is me feeling pathetically worthless and like living is just a stupid idea. Friday was ok I guess. Yesterday was fucked.

Mel lost the babies (they're not even babies at six fucking weeks, they're balls of cells) on Friday. I read about it on facebook yesterday morning (50+ comments on that status, yea she loves the attention, and no, the world isn't to blame). And like yea, of course, it's absolutely terrible. I get that. I didn't think she'd be at work, but she was. And then Adam set up a shit tonne of work to do; eight boxes of cookies, sliced 12 boxes of sponge cakes. And then they left. Mel was supposed to work to 1:30, but left at 10:30. If she wasn't going to stay the whole day, she shouldn't have turned up at all. Laura and I had so much shit to do that Adam set up, which he shouldn't have if he knew Mel was leaving with him. The check outs were fucked. I had an argument with the store manager about us constantly going to service because we were two down with tonnes of work to do. He didn't care. I argued with Brett all afternoon. In the end he said he didn't want to pay overtime, and so we left everything. I stopped caring. I still don't care.

Today Brett sliced the bread, which he never does. He didn't say a word for the first three hours I was there. You could tell we were pissed at each other. I did say some pretty rude shit about Mel yesterday. But seriously. I get that it's awful, but I am just so sick of her shit. Turning up and leaving on her own schedule, not even bothering to tell us when she's doing what or when she's leaving. Spending her work hours baking personal cakes that she does not pay for. Only doing the jobs she wants to do. Taking personal calls in front of customers. Posting ambiguous shit on her facebook that I'm certain is directed at me (we're not friends). Like, I'm not pissed just because she took half a day off yesterday after a tragedy, she just shouldn't have come in at all. Like yea, she lost a pair of fetuses (feti?), I lose the will to live almost hourly in that place, and I still work everyday. I'm more pissed about Adam  setting up all that work that we then couldn't get done. It's more about the organisation of the place, and how they get away with absolutely everything. I am sick of Mel's shit that occurs every single day, not just yesterday because she lost her pregnancy. And seriously though, she was telling every fucking person and their dog as soon as she was six days pregnant. Almost half of all pregnancies spontaneously self abort in the first trimester. That's why people wait until 12 weeks to tell people.

Laura, Di and I had a good bitch about Mel yesterday. But none of it makes any difference because despite how she acts, and despite the fact that Brett knows, he lets her get away with it. And also, I fucking hate Karen. Sometimes I think my working there is just a race to see whether I'll commit suicide or homicide first.

Other than that, things are meh. I go up, I come down, I hover around a low mid point. I keep thinking that this is it, the meds aren't working anymore, maybe they need to be upped. I need to go to the doctor to get a new script anyway so maybe we'll talk about it. I see Nell on Tuesday too. And well, I did cut myself again. It's been a while since I've done that.

I haven't got results for my assignments yet, which sucks. I aced the abnormal multiple choice midterm, 58 out of 60 correct. There's still four 10 mark questions to get marked. My counselling essay was pretty easy once I got started, but I'm still a bit iffy on how well I wrote it considering it's far less formal than what I'm used to. Even though I'm on uni holidays I started the next chapter anyway. Then I'll be ahead and if I don't have it to do I think I go a little crazy.

Janika is in hospital again, and I'm worried about her. I'm not sure how long she'll be there, and if she'll still be house sitting, so I don't know when I'll get to go down there. Plus I don't know where exactly in Sydney she's house sitting. If she's close, maybe I'll stay there when I go down for one of the concerts. I do really want to meet her. I think I may have a crush. I think it's mutual. I feel warm and fuzzy about it sometimes. I just want her to be ok. I wrote her a letter, she said today it made her cry. I just want to hug her and make her feel better!

I am tired. Not just tired as in sleepy, tired as in entering a state of learned helplessness regarding work. Tomorrow I work with Anjina, Mel (maybe, Brett reckons she won't turn up, I think she will), and Adam, doing day shift instead of Brett. It is going to be so. much. fun.

15:35

why does this happen?

I just really don't know what's going on lately. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I'm up and down and up and down and I never know if any of it's real or if any of it is going to last. I'm tired of it. I just want to be stable. Stable up, or stable down, just stable. Right now I can't tell if I'm miserable because I'm on my period, or because my meds need upping and I've hit the ceiling with them, or because I'm spiralling again, or because things are just shit and I'm just reacting normally, and once things stop being shit, I'll be fine again. I just don't know.

It's all work. Well, mostly work. Fucking Mel. It was alright when she first came back, but she's back to doing only what she wants and acting like she owns the place. And Brett buys in to it, he texts her with daily instructions, when I am more qualified and more experienced and better. I do what needs doing. She does what she wants and that's it. I should be the one in charge when Brett's not there. I hate working with her. I hate that he prefers her over me. That everybody prefers her over me. Case in point, Anjina called her last night, to tell her that she wouldn't be back today. It just hits home how much of a group everybody is and I am always outside. Ignored. Overlooked. And sure, Anj probably only called her because Mel's probably looking after her pets, but still. I am on the outside. It's almost as if I am invisible. Case in point, fucking Jenny, one of the bread reps. A few weeks ago she just decided to not talk to Anjina and me. I have no idea why. I have no idea what I did that offended her so much, but she just breezes in and out pretending that I'm not even there. She'll say hello to Brett, fawn over Mel because she's pregnant, but I just get stared straight through. It's fucking annoying because that is how I feel with everybody. I'm there, but I'm not good enough for anybody. Not good enough to be relied upon, even though Brett maintains that I can't have time off because the place wouldn't run without me. Not good enough at anything, for anything. I'm invisible and worthless, but still treated like I'm needed, while at the same time not being needed. It's just, ugh. I hate it. I hate me. I hate them. Why don't people like me?

And, just to make everything better. Laura's been contracted for 38 hours, which means that I should be recontracted now too (something about them not liking us doing 38 hours when we're not contracted for that much). Anyway, the point is, that Laura's been contracted for Mondays, and apparently Brett's not working Mondays anymore. So instead of me and Brett, it's going to be me, Laura, and Mel. And Mel and I will "take it in turns" to do the freezer loads and stuff, but that's not the point. The point is that she's going to act like she's in charge and Brett's going to act like she's in charge and ugh. I know I just need to drop it, and I've been trying, but I don't know how. It really, really bothers me that she's preferred over me. It really, really bothers me.

So I don't know if I'm going to get back to feeling happy. I've had a headache since I woke up at midnight last night with one. I don't know if I've been miserable because I've had a headache, or if I've had a headache all day because I've been miserable.

Other things are going alright I guess. I feel socially isolated. I haven't had a good chat with Jes in ages. And Janika's been admitted again so I'm worried about her. Milly is happy with Joe. Alex has Ben and the baby and a potential new sister. And I don't know, I just feel like everybody has all of these other, better people they'd rather know and talk to and hang out with. I feel lonely.

Study is going ok I guess. I've got a midterm to do today or tomorrow. My counselling essay is due on Wednesday and I'm hoping to work a lot on it tomorrow. 

16:51

lonely

Yesterday was shit. This morning was pretty crappy too. I keep catching myself thinking that this wont last, that it can't last. Every minor road bump spirals me down thinking that maybe this is it, the end of the good days, the end of who I have become now. I need to stop thinking like that, because I know that if I continue thinking this way, of course it's going to end. I'll set myself up for it.

I know what set me off yesterday. I went over to Milly's and we watched the first episode of Orange is the New Black, and it was good, looks like it'll be a great tv show. But it's heavily lesbian, and honestly, it makes me really sad. Sad because I am single, and I have no prospects. Sad because I know I've withdrawn a lot from Jes lately because I'm trying to change how I view her, trying to figure out exactly what my feelings are for her. Because she has Loren, and she cheated on Cass, but, yea. Because I will probably never get to sleep with her, or kiss her, or date her. And so I need to just stop hanging on. And it means I'm a bit distant, but it's only temporary. Sad also because of Milly. Because I miss her, I miss what we used to be when I was with Tom, that weekend when I was with David when I came home. I miss kissing her, and touching her, and having her. But that's an idea long gone as well, with life things happening. Luke, and Oli, and now Joe, and me not wanting to pursue things between Luke and Joe because I didn't want to ruin the friendship in any way when we're so close and Oli is my godson. And so I know that it's stupid to keep thinking these things, but I do occasionally. And I need to stop, because it brings me down.

But sometimes I just get really down about it. How am I supposed to meet new people? How am I supposed to find a girlfriend in this town? I just hope that one day I will, somehow. I'm probably just still too afraid to think about making a move on somebody in real life. There was a really pretty girl at yoga last night that I wanted to talk to, but I didn't. I just don't know how to talk to girls that I don't already know. I have no idea how to gauge if someone is same sex interested without directly asking them, which just seems far too awkward for me to do with random girls. So I don't know what will happen with me. Maybe one day I'll decide to pay for the pink sofa website and find girls to chat with on there. OKCupid has been a total bust, with this stupid town. Maybe I'll move to Sydney again in the future and find someone.

Speaking of Sydney. Fucking David. I posted on facebook just generally asking whether I should take another trip to Sydney this year, and David messaged, asking why I was going down so many times in the next few months (Fall Out Boy on October 25 - fuck yea I got a ticket I was so fucking excited, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus on November 14 - which I just pledged for a ticket for, Kitty's wedding on November 23, and hopefully a trip down at the end of this month to meet Janika), and then to offer his services re driving in the city again and a place to stay. I'm actually planning on driving myself down (eek driving in Sydney!) and staying with Alex. He just doesn't seem to get it. He's nothing if not fucking persistent, but at least it's at a level I can deal with. At least he's not messaging me once a week or every second day. I don't plan on seeing him at all, not once in the four times I'm planning to go down there.

Anyway. I think I got a bit off topic. After a day at work I'm feeling much better, and the excitement of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and talking to Alex about when I'm going down there and Kitty's wedding, and just now Jes has decided that her and Loren are going to come to TRJA with me, I am feeling more like myself. The other day Alex said she was proud of me for how well I'm doing, and I'm proud of me too. I just really hope that I can hold on to it. I just need to keep remembering that there are good things in my life, despite all of the bad. And this medication really has been wonderful. Maybe I'll stay on it forever (probably not). I just want to be better. I actually really like the person I am becoming. I eat better. I go to the gym regularly. I am more sociable. More motivated. More functional. I want to stay like this. 

17:09

disagreements

Over the last few days, I've come to realise that I get in to a lot of disagreements with people. Mostly at work. They're nice disagreements though. Brett and Anj yesterday told me that I disagree with everybody all the time, which I don't (haha), but I do a lot of the time. And you know what, that's ok. I like to think that maybe I can teach people a few things from time to time. These arguments are never really heated.

Things like getting up Brett when he says something that could be taken as homophobic. A lot of the time it's me explaining how something could be offensive. And arguing trying to get people to be more open minded and accepting. It's mostly just me trying to explain things. Because I know in the context of work and the department and this small town, I'm quite an unusual person, with unusual ideals and very, very open minded attitudes. And I believe that everybody should think that way, because there are so many things that people say here without even realising it's offensive. There are a lot of attitudes that I like to challenge. Like sticking up for one of the guys when he goes on a little split with his wife because he was having an affair, but they have an arrangement, so they all think she can't do that, and so I have to explain that even in open relationships, cheating is still a thing. And that yes, that comment you made was offensive, and you could word it better without being a douche bag. And me defending my right to fuck David and not have him think that there's anything to it. Yes, women can have casual sex too, and there's nothing wrong with it.

And things like people's attitudes towards me when they find out I've had threesomes. Today Anjina goes "normal people don't do that, that's weird, real people don't do that." And so I challenge her. What's wrong with it? I know people who do it. There's nothing wrong with it. Just because she wouldn't, because she's from a different generation, with completely different ideals, who would never think about doing something like that. That's ok, but there's no need to tell me that I'm abnormal for doing something that you wouldn't do, that many other people do and see nothing wrong with. And things like challenging sexuality and erasure. I mentioned yesterday about the girl that Carly wanted to set me up now, and how she started seeing somebody else, a boy. And Anjina goes "but I didn't think she was like that", as if you can't be bisexual or pansexual if you date someone of a different gender. My sexuality isn't erased when I enter in to a relationship. I still love girls if I'm dating a boy. My sexuality doesn't change. And people can go from being more interested in girls to more interested in boys and back. Bisexuals get a lot of this, because when we enter in to a relationship, we're automatically assumed to be gay or straight, depending on the partner. Biphobia is not cool, and it's very real, and very hurtful. And erasure is not cool also.

I think I launch in to one of these rants at least once a day. I just did one on the uni discussion boards, which I don't normally use unless it's a burning question for assignments. Someone asked how abnormal is abnormal, given the unit is called abnormal psychology and not psychopathology. And so somebody mentioned measuring abnormality with things people can or can't do. But that's not it, that's not the whole story. Some people are very good at fronting, like I used to be (which I don't think I am so good at now when I'm down). Some people can be very mentally ill and still function. I've been suicidal and completely lost the will to live, and I still went to work and studied (and did well) and although I wasn't up there with eating and exercise and personal hygiene, if you were just observing me randomly, I probably wouldn't seem sick. Some people are good at being functional while being really ill, others aren't. A measure of functionality isn't really an accurate measure of illness.

Anyway. I do hope that I can manage to educate at least a few people. And I think that I do, sometimes. Brett's better with his comments. I try to explain things to Anjina but I know she doesn't really understand. That person on youtube last week said I helped them. I think I manage it. And hey, if I have educated at least one person and made one person more aware of how they think and that sometimes their attitudes are wrong, than I am happy with that. And of course, I know that I am far from perfect. And I do hope that if I ever offend somebody, that someone can be patient with me and explain it to me until I see where I've gone wrong. 

15:26

frustrated

I just really, really want to have sex right now.

And I have no one.

I'm craving sex with a boy, just because I want it rough. Like, I want to be had. Rough, easy, great sex. Maybe tomorrow I'll crave a girl, but I always desire girls with a more passionate desire. For long, passionate, drawn out, amazing sex. Boys, I just want to use boys. Girls, I want to fuck a girl for hours.

And seriously. I have nobody. I know nobody. I'm seriously considering trying to get Josh. Like, I'm having Saturday off (again woot) cause Anj is swapping me, so I think I'll go out drinking on Friday night. I messaged Carly, just cause I don't really have anyone else to do drinking with. Maybe I should tell Josh to meet me out or something? I don't know.

I seriously just want to be fucked. Seriously.

(I wonder if J will fuck me when I go to visit her?)

16:49