I am so, so sick of this cycling thing I'm doing. I am up and then I'm down and then I'm neutral and then I want to kill myself and then I'm lost and a bit hazy and generally apathetic but ok. That's how my week went.
Thursday was seriously fucked for some reason I don't even know. Mel was at work and it just hit me how unnoticed I am and how under appreciated and I am and how everybody loves Mel and then it extends to everybody I know instead of just work people and every situation. Like how Milly has Joe and Jes has Loren (and I miss her but she's so busy caught up in all of the good things that I just get left, which is relevant for everybody) and Alex has, well I think she's flirting with another girl on tumblr. And all these people have other better people they can hang out with, and nobody talks to me at work if I don't throw myself in to a conversation. I just feel completely invisible so much of the time.
And so on Thursday I came home from work and sat around doing nothing, until I decided to cut myself, and then I went to buy some vodka. I didn't get drunk or anything, I just had two drinks, but the result was the same, which is me feeling pathetically worthless and like living is just a stupid idea. Friday was ok I guess. Yesterday was fucked.
Mel lost the babies (they're not even babies at six fucking weeks, they're balls of cells) on Friday. I read about it on facebook yesterday morning (50+ comments on that status, yea she loves the attention, and no, the world isn't to blame). And like yea, of course, it's absolutely terrible. I get that. I didn't think she'd be at work, but she was. And then Adam set up a shit tonne of work to do; eight boxes of cookies, sliced 12 boxes of sponge cakes. And then they left. Mel was supposed to work to 1:30, but left at 10:30. If she wasn't going to stay the whole day, she shouldn't have turned up at all. Laura and I had so much shit to do that Adam set up, which he shouldn't have if he knew Mel was leaving with him. The check outs were fucked. I had an argument with the store manager about us constantly going to service because we were two down with tonnes of work to do. He didn't care. I argued with Brett all afternoon. In the end he said he didn't want to pay overtime, and so we left everything. I stopped caring. I still don't care.
Today Brett sliced the bread, which he never does. He didn't say a word for the first three hours I was there. You could tell we were pissed at each other. I did say some pretty rude shit about Mel yesterday. But seriously. I get that it's awful, but I am just so sick of her shit. Turning up and leaving on her own schedule, not even bothering to tell us when she's doing what or when she's leaving. Spending her work hours baking personal cakes that she does not pay for. Only doing the jobs she wants to do. Taking personal calls in front of customers. Posting ambiguous shit on her facebook that I'm certain is directed at me (we're not friends). Like, I'm not pissed just because she took half a day off yesterday after a tragedy, she just shouldn't have come in at all. Like yea, she lost a pair of fetuses (feti?), I lose the will to live almost hourly in that place, and I still work everyday. I'm more pissed about Adam setting up all that work that we then couldn't get done. It's more about the organisation of the place, and how they get away with absolutely everything. I am sick of Mel's shit that occurs every single day, not just yesterday because she lost her pregnancy. And seriously though, she was telling every fucking person and their dog as soon as she was six days pregnant. Almost half of all pregnancies spontaneously self abort in the first trimester. That's why people wait until 12 weeks to tell people.
Laura, Di and I had a good bitch about Mel yesterday. But none of it makes any difference because despite how she acts, and despite the fact that Brett knows, he lets her get away with it. And also, I fucking hate Karen. Sometimes I think my working there is just a race to see whether I'll commit suicide or homicide first.
Other than that, things are meh. I go up, I come down, I hover around a low mid point. I keep thinking that this is it, the meds aren't working anymore, maybe they need to be upped. I need to go to the doctor to get a new script anyway so maybe we'll talk about it. I see Nell on Tuesday too. And well, I did cut myself again. It's been a while since I've done that.
I haven't got results for my assignments yet, which sucks. I aced the abnormal multiple choice midterm, 58 out of 60 correct. There's still four 10 mark questions to get marked. My counselling essay was pretty easy once I got started, but I'm still a bit iffy on how well I wrote it considering it's far less formal than what I'm used to. Even though I'm on uni holidays I started the next chapter anyway. Then I'll be ahead and if I don't have it to do I think I go a little crazy.
Janika is in hospital again, and I'm worried about her. I'm not sure how long she'll be there, and if she'll still be house sitting, so I don't know when I'll get to go down there. Plus I don't know where exactly in Sydney she's house sitting. If she's close, maybe I'll stay there when I go down for one of the concerts. I do really want to meet her. I think I may have a crush. I think it's mutual. I feel warm and fuzzy about it sometimes. I just want her to be ok. I wrote her a letter, she said today it made her cry. I just want to hug her and make her feel better!
I am tired. Not just tired as in sleepy, tired as in entering a state of learned helplessness regarding work. Tomorrow I work with Anjina, Mel (maybe, Brett reckons she won't turn up, I think she will), and Adam, doing day shift instead of Brett. It is going to be so. much. fun.
Thursday was seriously fucked for some reason I don't even know. Mel was at work and it just hit me how unnoticed I am and how under appreciated and I am and how everybody loves Mel and then it extends to everybody I know instead of just work people and every situation. Like how Milly has Joe and Jes has Loren (and I miss her but she's so busy caught up in all of the good things that I just get left, which is relevant for everybody) and Alex has, well I think she's flirting with another girl on tumblr. And all these people have other better people they can hang out with, and nobody talks to me at work if I don't throw myself in to a conversation. I just feel completely invisible so much of the time.
And so on Thursday I came home from work and sat around doing nothing, until I decided to cut myself, and then I went to buy some vodka. I didn't get drunk or anything, I just had two drinks, but the result was the same, which is me feeling pathetically worthless and like living is just a stupid idea. Friday was ok I guess. Yesterday was fucked.
Mel lost the babies (they're not even babies at six fucking weeks, they're balls of cells) on Friday. I read about it on facebook yesterday morning (50+ comments on that status, yea she loves the attention, and no, the world isn't to blame). And like yea, of course, it's absolutely terrible. I get that. I didn't think she'd be at work, but she was. And then Adam set up a shit tonne of work to do; eight boxes of cookies, sliced 12 boxes of sponge cakes. And then they left. Mel was supposed to work to 1:30, but left at 10:30. If she wasn't going to stay the whole day, she shouldn't have turned up at all. Laura and I had so much shit to do that Adam set up, which he shouldn't have if he knew Mel was leaving with him. The check outs were fucked. I had an argument with the store manager about us constantly going to service because we were two down with tonnes of work to do. He didn't care. I argued with Brett all afternoon. In the end he said he didn't want to pay overtime, and so we left everything. I stopped caring. I still don't care.
Today Brett sliced the bread, which he never does. He didn't say a word for the first three hours I was there. You could tell we were pissed at each other. I did say some pretty rude shit about Mel yesterday. But seriously. I get that it's awful, but I am just so sick of her shit. Turning up and leaving on her own schedule, not even bothering to tell us when she's doing what or when she's leaving. Spending her work hours baking personal cakes that she does not pay for. Only doing the jobs she wants to do. Taking personal calls in front of customers. Posting ambiguous shit on her facebook that I'm certain is directed at me (we're not friends). Like, I'm not pissed just because she took half a day off yesterday after a tragedy, she just shouldn't have come in at all. Like yea, she lost a pair of fetuses (feti?), I lose the will to live almost hourly in that place, and I still work everyday. I'm more pissed about Adam setting up all that work that we then couldn't get done. It's more about the organisation of the place, and how they get away with absolutely everything. I am sick of Mel's shit that occurs every single day, not just yesterday because she lost her pregnancy. And seriously though, she was telling every fucking person and their dog as soon as she was six days pregnant. Almost half of all pregnancies spontaneously self abort in the first trimester. That's why people wait until 12 weeks to tell people.
Laura, Di and I had a good bitch about Mel yesterday. But none of it makes any difference because despite how she acts, and despite the fact that Brett knows, he lets her get away with it. And also, I fucking hate Karen. Sometimes I think my working there is just a race to see whether I'll commit suicide or homicide first.
Other than that, things are meh. I go up, I come down, I hover around a low mid point. I keep thinking that this is it, the meds aren't working anymore, maybe they need to be upped. I need to go to the doctor to get a new script anyway so maybe we'll talk about it. I see Nell on Tuesday too. And well, I did cut myself again. It's been a while since I've done that.
I haven't got results for my assignments yet, which sucks. I aced the abnormal multiple choice midterm, 58 out of 60 correct. There's still four 10 mark questions to get marked. My counselling essay was pretty easy once I got started, but I'm still a bit iffy on how well I wrote it considering it's far less formal than what I'm used to. Even though I'm on uni holidays I started the next chapter anyway. Then I'll be ahead and if I don't have it to do I think I go a little crazy.
Janika is in hospital again, and I'm worried about her. I'm not sure how long she'll be there, and if she'll still be house sitting, so I don't know when I'll get to go down there. Plus I don't know where exactly in Sydney she's house sitting. If she's close, maybe I'll stay there when I go down for one of the concerts. I do really want to meet her. I think I may have a crush. I think it's mutual. I feel warm and fuzzy about it sometimes. I just want her to be ok. I wrote her a letter, she said today it made her cry. I just want to hug her and make her feel better!
I am tired. Not just tired as in sleepy, tired as in entering a state of learned helplessness regarding work. Tomorrow I work with Anjina, Mel (maybe, Brett reckons she won't turn up, I think she will), and Adam, doing day shift instead of Brett. It is going to be so. much. fun.
15:35
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