I just really don't know what's going on lately. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I'm up and down and up and down and I never know if any of it's real or if any of it is going to last. I'm tired of it. I just want to be stable. Stable up, or stable down, just stable. Right now I can't tell if I'm miserable because I'm on my period, or because my meds need upping and I've hit the ceiling with them, or because I'm spiralling again, or because things are just shit and I'm just reacting normally, and once things stop being shit, I'll be fine again. I just don't know.
It's all work. Well, mostly work. Fucking Mel. It was alright when she first came back, but she's back to doing only what she wants and acting like she owns the place. And Brett buys in to it, he texts her with daily instructions, when I am more qualified and more experienced and better. I do what needs doing. She does what she wants and that's it. I should be the one in charge when Brett's not there. I hate working with her. I hate that he prefers her over me. That everybody prefers her over me. Case in point, Anjina called her last night, to tell her that she wouldn't be back today. It just hits home how much of a group everybody is and I am always outside. Ignored. Overlooked. And sure, Anj probably only called her because Mel's probably looking after her pets, but still. I am on the outside. It's almost as if I am invisible. Case in point, fucking Jenny, one of the bread reps. A few weeks ago she just decided to not talk to Anjina and me. I have no idea why. I have no idea what I did that offended her so much, but she just breezes in and out pretending that I'm not even there. She'll say hello to Brett, fawn over Mel because she's pregnant, but I just get stared straight through. It's fucking annoying because that is how I feel with everybody. I'm there, but I'm not good enough for anybody. Not good enough to be relied upon, even though Brett maintains that I can't have time off because the place wouldn't run without me. Not good enough at anything, for anything. I'm invisible and worthless, but still treated like I'm needed, while at the same time not being needed. It's just, ugh. I hate it. I hate me. I hate them. Why don't people like me?
And, just to make everything better. Laura's been contracted for 38 hours, which means that I should be recontracted now too (something about them not liking us doing 38 hours when we're not contracted for that much). Anyway, the point is, that Laura's been contracted for Mondays, and apparently Brett's not working Mondays anymore. So instead of me and Brett, it's going to be me, Laura, and Mel. And Mel and I will "take it in turns" to do the freezer loads and stuff, but that's not the point. The point is that she's going to act like she's in charge and Brett's going to act like she's in charge and ugh. I know I just need to drop it, and I've been trying, but I don't know how. It really, really bothers me that she's preferred over me. It really, really bothers me.
So I don't know if I'm going to get back to feeling happy. I've had a headache since I woke up at midnight last night with one. I don't know if I've been miserable because I've had a headache, or if I've had a headache all day because I've been miserable.
Other things are going alright I guess. I feel socially isolated. I haven't had a good chat with Jes in ages. And Janika's been admitted again so I'm worried about her. Milly is happy with Joe. Alex has Ben and the baby and a potential new sister. And I don't know, I just feel like everybody has all of these other, better people they'd rather know and talk to and hang out with. I feel lonely.
Study is going ok I guess. I've got a midterm to do today or tomorrow. My counselling essay is due on Wednesday and I'm hoping to work a lot on it tomorrow.
It's all work. Well, mostly work. Fucking Mel. It was alright when she first came back, but she's back to doing only what she wants and acting like she owns the place. And Brett buys in to it, he texts her with daily instructions, when I am more qualified and more experienced and better. I do what needs doing. She does what she wants and that's it. I should be the one in charge when Brett's not there. I hate working with her. I hate that he prefers her over me. That everybody prefers her over me. Case in point, Anjina called her last night, to tell her that she wouldn't be back today. It just hits home how much of a group everybody is and I am always outside. Ignored. Overlooked. And sure, Anj probably only called her because Mel's probably looking after her pets, but still. I am on the outside. It's almost as if I am invisible. Case in point, fucking Jenny, one of the bread reps. A few weeks ago she just decided to not talk to Anjina and me. I have no idea why. I have no idea what I did that offended her so much, but she just breezes in and out pretending that I'm not even there. She'll say hello to Brett, fawn over Mel because she's pregnant, but I just get stared straight through. It's fucking annoying because that is how I feel with everybody. I'm there, but I'm not good enough for anybody. Not good enough to be relied upon, even though Brett maintains that I can't have time off because the place wouldn't run without me. Not good enough at anything, for anything. I'm invisible and worthless, but still treated like I'm needed, while at the same time not being needed. It's just, ugh. I hate it. I hate me. I hate them. Why don't people like me?
And, just to make everything better. Laura's been contracted for 38 hours, which means that I should be recontracted now too (something about them not liking us doing 38 hours when we're not contracted for that much). Anyway, the point is, that Laura's been contracted for Mondays, and apparently Brett's not working Mondays anymore. So instead of me and Brett, it's going to be me, Laura, and Mel. And Mel and I will "take it in turns" to do the freezer loads and stuff, but that's not the point. The point is that she's going to act like she's in charge and Brett's going to act like she's in charge and ugh. I know I just need to drop it, and I've been trying, but I don't know how. It really, really bothers me that she's preferred over me. It really, really bothers me.
So I don't know if I'm going to get back to feeling happy. I've had a headache since I woke up at midnight last night with one. I don't know if I've been miserable because I've had a headache, or if I've had a headache all day because I've been miserable.
Other things are going alright I guess. I feel socially isolated. I haven't had a good chat with Jes in ages. And Janika's been admitted again so I'm worried about her. Milly is happy with Joe. Alex has Ben and the baby and a potential new sister. And I don't know, I just feel like everybody has all of these other, better people they'd rather know and talk to and hang out with. I feel lonely.
Study is going ok I guess. I've got a midterm to do today or tomorrow. My counselling essay is due on Wednesday and I'm hoping to work a lot on it tomorrow.
16:51
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