I am so sleepy today.
But I'm back. And it's glorious. I don't know what happened, what brought me back, but the crash is over and all I have to show for it is a bunch of healing cuts on my arm. Maybe it was just time. Maybe it was Mel working half a day on Tuesday and so I spent the other half with Anjina and Laura and felt like I wasn't invisible anymore. Maybe it's because the cleaning we did on Monday was supposed to be "shared", but I scrubbed trays for three hours and Mel put away the wrapping, and then wiped a bench. And then on Tuesday Mel scrubbed trays for three hours and I cleaned benches. That was probably it. I always feel so much better at work when Mel isn't there. She wasn't there on Thursday either. She had the procedure to remove the fetuses, and then apparently had a bad reaction to the anesthetic, and then has been in hospital most of the week. It is pretty terrible, I'll admit, but I really just don't care. I don't feel sorry for her, or bad for her, I just feel meh about the whole thing. And now I don't have her leaving to look forward to. Of course they'll try again, maybe soon a pregnancy will stick. But it'll be this all over again, the telling everybody, announcing it on facebook, lapping up the attention.
Anyway, I am so glad I feel better again. It's another thing that makes me think that these meds are actually working. Sure I've had a lot of back steps these past few weeks, and this week was the worst I've had in ages, but I'm doing better now. I was going to cancel the psych appointment on Tuesday, but I went anyway. Not that we're really getting anywhere. She's all like "you know the things you can do to change things, you just won't do them." Basically, those things are moving out of this house and/or just cleaning up all mum's stuff and getting it out of the house. And finding nonexistent LGBTQI* social groups. I say nonexistent, because once I found a page for a local group that hadn't seen activity in like 16 months. Of course, there are non-straight people in this town, I just don't know any, and this town isn't big enough for the kinds of groups you'd get in a place like Sydney.
Anyway, I am still planning on driving down to Western Sydney to meet and stay with Janika for a few days. I think I like her. I think it could develop. It'd just be really hard because she'll be living in Sydney (I think, maybe Newcastle) after she does this house sitting thing, and I don't know if a relationship with her would really be workable. I am really, really excited at the idea of going to meet her. She's such a lovely girl.
I went to the morning yoga class today, which I'd decided to skip because the first few times I went to it the class was really easy. I went today cause it's Rick's birthday and so I was doing gifting and cake this afternoon. I was also supposed to hang with Milly, but then she had to help out her mum (so tomorrow). It was a hard, hard class today. I think that's why I'm so sleepy. A lot of down dogs and lunges and planks and my whole body aches, but it's nice. I can see me getting stronger and more flexible. I can now successfully go from high plank to low plank and hold it before releasing on to the floor. Plus the girl that runs the morning class is seriously attractive. But there was a tonne of people in the class this morning, and this group of three girls and a boy, and they giggled through the whole class. There was a couple of times, with a few of the harder positions (like balancing on your hands) that a lot of the class laughed at, but it just annoyed me. Like, yoga is supposed to be calming and relaxing. Not giggling and talking.
Study is going well. Semester begins up again on Monday and I'm now a week ahead. I got my marks back for my abnormal essay, and I only got 78, which is a distinction, but I was still disappointed. I thought I would have done better. My second abnormal essay is due in two weeks and I think I'll start it in the next few days. I'll try to really work on it. I have no idea when I'll get the marks for the counselling essay. I aced the multiple choice part of the abnormal midterm (58/60), but I really want to know how I did on the short answers. I should get high marks for them. I'm hoping for a high distinction. Hoping.
That's another thing with Nell on Tuesday. She kept talking about how I was finishing this year, but I'm not. I need to figure it all out again, but I know I won't finish until at least half way through next year. She kept asking if I was going to move to Armidale to do honours full time. Anyway, as much as this house sucks, I think it would be more stressful for me to completely pack up and move to a different town, even if it is just Armidale. I'd have to find somewhere to live, get a job transfer, deal with the guilt that mum will pile on me for leaving her house and her with two mortgages and my "lack of help" with this house, not to mention the fact that nobody else helps her, as if that's my fault.
Anyway, I plan to do more of the cleaning out and up and organising and shit after this semester is over. Of course I'm planning on doing NaNoWriMo again, but after that it'll be at least two months for me to do nothing study related (except maybe, think about honours and ideas if I'm still planning on doing it). I am hoping to do something. To get somewhere. To get mum to start doing things. She keeps saying she's so busy and doesn't have time, and you know what, I don't either. Sure, I don't have kids, but I work full time, and I study, but this house is ridiculous, and her house is going the same way, and she's not just going to magically find time, she has to make time. This shit has to get done. She has to realise that I am not going to live in this house forever, and this house cannot stay the way it is. I need a life. And that life includes a house that isn't full of shit so that when I do meet somebody, or get more friends, I can invite people over and not need to shut every door in the house, or really, just invite people over.
Anyway, about Jes. This isn't going on the tumblr, cause she reads it. Ever since I wrote about how I felt about her on the 8th, about distancing myself because she's with Loren and happy and it makes me a little sad (ok, it used to make me a lot sad), and how I hated that she kept saying she wanted to fuck me when she was with Cass, and how she cheated on Cass, and then didn't really finish that sentence, we've barely talked. She texted me yesterday, saying that she missed me. Like, I haven't gone anywhere, she's just been busy. And I know she's taken on a huge study load, and a lot of her time is taken up with Christian because she's not living at home, but it doesn't take long to send a text or two every so often. I gave up initiating conversations because it got to the point where I felt like she just wasn't even bothered to be my friend anymore. I feel very replaced, by this girl Abi, that lives in Melbourne. Apparently they're like besties now, and like, sure Jes is busy, but she's obviously keeping up with Abi, like she used to keep up with me. She said she was going to distance herself when she read what I wrote, which was eight days after I wrote it. By that time I was already feeling replaced and distanced, and really, I think the feelings that I had for her have faded quite away. I got myself to the point I wanted to get to, where I wasn't sad that she was with Loren (well, not terribly sad), where it was ok that I know she's never going to be with me, not even just once. When she messaged me yesterday, she was like "I know you think I've stopped caring about you, but I haven't," but it really feels like she has. I got too close, too involved, and she "realised" (as if she didn't know, as if she's never known) and backed off, and now I've been replaced. And it's kind of gotten to the point now where I'm not terribly bothered. In all but two of my friendships (the two being Alex and Milly), this has always happened, in one way or another. It's like everybody gets sick of me, I get to be too much work, people just fade away, like I'm not interesting or nice enough to keep them. It happens, it happens to me a lot, and it sucks, but I'm used to it, and I expect it. And so even though Jes and I used to be really close, we're not now, and it's kind of her fault, even though for a while now I've felt like she doesn't want me, and so I backed off initially. I always think that if somebody wants you in their life enough, they'll make sure you stay. And she kind of, hasn't. So I don't know where we'll go from here, whether she'll keep bothering to text me in her very busy study and life schedule (that she can still talk to Abi in of course, just not me). I'm not going to push it. I know this is what I do, and it's not necessarily conducive to forming stable relationships, but I feel unwanted and replaced, and she knows this, and honestly, it's up to her to make me feel that she wants me in her life. I just hate putting effort in and feeling like it's useless.
But I'm back. And it's glorious. I don't know what happened, what brought me back, but the crash is over and all I have to show for it is a bunch of healing cuts on my arm. Maybe it was just time. Maybe it was Mel working half a day on Tuesday and so I spent the other half with Anjina and Laura and felt like I wasn't invisible anymore. Maybe it's because the cleaning we did on Monday was supposed to be "shared", but I scrubbed trays for three hours and Mel put away the wrapping, and then wiped a bench. And then on Tuesday Mel scrubbed trays for three hours and I cleaned benches. That was probably it. I always feel so much better at work when Mel isn't there. She wasn't there on Thursday either. She had the procedure to remove the fetuses, and then apparently had a bad reaction to the anesthetic, and then has been in hospital most of the week. It is pretty terrible, I'll admit, but I really just don't care. I don't feel sorry for her, or bad for her, I just feel meh about the whole thing. And now I don't have her leaving to look forward to. Of course they'll try again, maybe soon a pregnancy will stick. But it'll be this all over again, the telling everybody, announcing it on facebook, lapping up the attention.
Anyway, I am so glad I feel better again. It's another thing that makes me think that these meds are actually working. Sure I've had a lot of back steps these past few weeks, and this week was the worst I've had in ages, but I'm doing better now. I was going to cancel the psych appointment on Tuesday, but I went anyway. Not that we're really getting anywhere. She's all like "you know the things you can do to change things, you just won't do them." Basically, those things are moving out of this house and/or just cleaning up all mum's stuff and getting it out of the house. And finding nonexistent LGBTQI* social groups. I say nonexistent, because once I found a page for a local group that hadn't seen activity in like 16 months. Of course, there are non-straight people in this town, I just don't know any, and this town isn't big enough for the kinds of groups you'd get in a place like Sydney.
Anyway, I am still planning on driving down to Western Sydney to meet and stay with Janika for a few days. I think I like her. I think it could develop. It'd just be really hard because she'll be living in Sydney (I think, maybe Newcastle) after she does this house sitting thing, and I don't know if a relationship with her would really be workable. I am really, really excited at the idea of going to meet her. She's such a lovely girl.
I went to the morning yoga class today, which I'd decided to skip because the first few times I went to it the class was really easy. I went today cause it's Rick's birthday and so I was doing gifting and cake this afternoon. I was also supposed to hang with Milly, but then she had to help out her mum (so tomorrow). It was a hard, hard class today. I think that's why I'm so sleepy. A lot of down dogs and lunges and planks and my whole body aches, but it's nice. I can see me getting stronger and more flexible. I can now successfully go from high plank to low plank and hold it before releasing on to the floor. Plus the girl that runs the morning class is seriously attractive. But there was a tonne of people in the class this morning, and this group of three girls and a boy, and they giggled through the whole class. There was a couple of times, with a few of the harder positions (like balancing on your hands) that a lot of the class laughed at, but it just annoyed me. Like, yoga is supposed to be calming and relaxing. Not giggling and talking.
Study is going well. Semester begins up again on Monday and I'm now a week ahead. I got my marks back for my abnormal essay, and I only got 78, which is a distinction, but I was still disappointed. I thought I would have done better. My second abnormal essay is due in two weeks and I think I'll start it in the next few days. I'll try to really work on it. I have no idea when I'll get the marks for the counselling essay. I aced the multiple choice part of the abnormal midterm (58/60), but I really want to know how I did on the short answers. I should get high marks for them. I'm hoping for a high distinction. Hoping.
That's another thing with Nell on Tuesday. She kept talking about how I was finishing this year, but I'm not. I need to figure it all out again, but I know I won't finish until at least half way through next year. She kept asking if I was going to move to Armidale to do honours full time. Anyway, as much as this house sucks, I think it would be more stressful for me to completely pack up and move to a different town, even if it is just Armidale. I'd have to find somewhere to live, get a job transfer, deal with the guilt that mum will pile on me for leaving her house and her with two mortgages and my "lack of help" with this house, not to mention the fact that nobody else helps her, as if that's my fault.
Anyway, I plan to do more of the cleaning out and up and organising and shit after this semester is over. Of course I'm planning on doing NaNoWriMo again, but after that it'll be at least two months for me to do nothing study related (except maybe, think about honours and ideas if I'm still planning on doing it). I am hoping to do something. To get somewhere. To get mum to start doing things. She keeps saying she's so busy and doesn't have time, and you know what, I don't either. Sure, I don't have kids, but I work full time, and I study, but this house is ridiculous, and her house is going the same way, and she's not just going to magically find time, she has to make time. This shit has to get done. She has to realise that I am not going to live in this house forever, and this house cannot stay the way it is. I need a life. And that life includes a house that isn't full of shit so that when I do meet somebody, or get more friends, I can invite people over and not need to shut every door in the house, or really, just invite people over.
Anyway, about Jes. This isn't going on the tumblr, cause she reads it. Ever since I wrote about how I felt about her on the 8th, about distancing myself because she's with Loren and happy and it makes me a little sad (ok, it used to make me a lot sad), and how I hated that she kept saying she wanted to fuck me when she was with Cass, and how she cheated on Cass, and then didn't really finish that sentence, we've barely talked. She texted me yesterday, saying that she missed me. Like, I haven't gone anywhere, she's just been busy. And I know she's taken on a huge study load, and a lot of her time is taken up with Christian because she's not living at home, but it doesn't take long to send a text or two every so often. I gave up initiating conversations because it got to the point where I felt like she just wasn't even bothered to be my friend anymore. I feel very replaced, by this girl Abi, that lives in Melbourne. Apparently they're like besties now, and like, sure Jes is busy, but she's obviously keeping up with Abi, like she used to keep up with me. She said she was going to distance herself when she read what I wrote, which was eight days after I wrote it. By that time I was already feeling replaced and distanced, and really, I think the feelings that I had for her have faded quite away. I got myself to the point I wanted to get to, where I wasn't sad that she was with Loren (well, not terribly sad), where it was ok that I know she's never going to be with me, not even just once. When she messaged me yesterday, she was like "I know you think I've stopped caring about you, but I haven't," but it really feels like she has. I got too close, too involved, and she "realised" (as if she didn't know, as if she's never known) and backed off, and now I've been replaced. And it's kind of gotten to the point now where I'm not terribly bothered. In all but two of my friendships (the two being Alex and Milly), this has always happened, in one way or another. It's like everybody gets sick of me, I get to be too much work, people just fade away, like I'm not interesting or nice enough to keep them. It happens, it happens to me a lot, and it sucks, but I'm used to it, and I expect it. And so even though Jes and I used to be really close, we're not now, and it's kind of her fault, even though for a while now I've felt like she doesn't want me, and so I backed off initially. I always think that if somebody wants you in their life enough, they'll make sure you stay. And she kind of, hasn't. So I don't know where we'll go from here, whether she'll keep bothering to text me in her very busy study and life schedule (that she can still talk to Abi in of course, just not me). I'm not going to push it. I know this is what I do, and it's not necessarily conducive to forming stable relationships, but I feel unwanted and replaced, and she knows this, and honestly, it's up to her to make me feel that she wants me in her life. I just hate putting effort in and feeling like it's useless.
19:30.
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We missed you! xoxoxox