Yesterday was shit. This morning was pretty crappy too. I keep catching myself thinking that this wont last, that it can't last. Every minor road bump spirals me down thinking that maybe this is it, the end of the good days, the end of who I have become now. I need to stop thinking like that, because I know that if I continue thinking this way, of course it's going to end. I'll set myself up for it.
I know what set me off yesterday. I went over to Milly's and we watched the first episode of Orange is the New Black, and it was good, looks like it'll be a great tv show. But it's heavily lesbian, and honestly, it makes me really sad. Sad because I am single, and I have no prospects. Sad because I know I've withdrawn a lot from Jes lately because I'm trying to change how I view her, trying to figure out exactly what my feelings are for her. Because she has Loren, and she cheated on Cass, but, yea. Because I will probably never get to sleep with her, or kiss her, or date her. And so I need to just stop hanging on. And it means I'm a bit distant, but it's only temporary. Sad also because of Milly. Because I miss her, I miss what we used to be when I was with Tom, that weekend when I was with David when I came home. I miss kissing her, and touching her, and having her. But that's an idea long gone as well, with life things happening. Luke, and Oli, and now Joe, and me not wanting to pursue things between Luke and Joe because I didn't want to ruin the friendship in any way when we're so close and Oli is my godson. And so I know that it's stupid to keep thinking these things, but I do occasionally. And I need to stop, because it brings me down.
But sometimes I just get really down about it. How am I supposed to meet new people? How am I supposed to find a girlfriend in this town? I just hope that one day I will, somehow. I'm probably just still too afraid to think about making a move on somebody in real life. There was a really pretty girl at yoga last night that I wanted to talk to, but I didn't. I just don't know how to talk to girls that I don't already know. I have no idea how to gauge if someone is same sex interested without directly asking them, which just seems far too awkward for me to do with random girls. So I don't know what will happen with me. Maybe one day I'll decide to pay for the pink sofa website and find girls to chat with on there. OKCupid has been a total bust, with this stupid town. Maybe I'll move to Sydney again in the future and find someone.
Speaking of Sydney. Fucking David. I posted on facebook just generally asking whether I should take another trip to Sydney this year, and David messaged, asking why I was going down so many times in the next few months (Fall Out Boy on October 25 - fuck yea I got a ticket I was so fucking excited, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus on November 14 - which I just pledged for a ticket for, Kitty's wedding on November 23, and hopefully a trip down at the end of this month to meet Janika), and then to offer his services re driving in the city again and a place to stay. I'm actually planning on driving myself down (eek driving in Sydney!) and staying with Alex. He just doesn't seem to get it. He's nothing if not fucking persistent, but at least it's at a level I can deal with. At least he's not messaging me once a week or every second day. I don't plan on seeing him at all, not once in the four times I'm planning to go down there.
Anyway. I think I got a bit off topic. After a day at work I'm feeling much better, and the excitement of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and talking to Alex about when I'm going down there and Kitty's wedding, and just now Jes has decided that her and Loren are going to come to TRJA with me, I am feeling more like myself. The other day Alex said she was proud of me for how well I'm doing, and I'm proud of me too. I just really hope that I can hold on to it. I just need to keep remembering that there are good things in my life, despite all of the bad. And this medication really has been wonderful. Maybe I'll stay on it forever (probably not). I just want to be better. I actually really like the person I am becoming. I eat better. I go to the gym regularly. I am more sociable. More motivated. More functional. I want to stay like this.
I know what set me off yesterday. I went over to Milly's and we watched the first episode of Orange is the New Black, and it was good, looks like it'll be a great tv show. But it's heavily lesbian, and honestly, it makes me really sad. Sad because I am single, and I have no prospects. Sad because I know I've withdrawn a lot from Jes lately because I'm trying to change how I view her, trying to figure out exactly what my feelings are for her. Because she has Loren, and she cheated on Cass, but, yea. Because I will probably never get to sleep with her, or kiss her, or date her. And so I need to just stop hanging on. And it means I'm a bit distant, but it's only temporary. Sad also because of Milly. Because I miss her, I miss what we used to be when I was with Tom, that weekend when I was with David when I came home. I miss kissing her, and touching her, and having her. But that's an idea long gone as well, with life things happening. Luke, and Oli, and now Joe, and me not wanting to pursue things between Luke and Joe because I didn't want to ruin the friendship in any way when we're so close and Oli is my godson. And so I know that it's stupid to keep thinking these things, but I do occasionally. And I need to stop, because it brings me down.
But sometimes I just get really down about it. How am I supposed to meet new people? How am I supposed to find a girlfriend in this town? I just hope that one day I will, somehow. I'm probably just still too afraid to think about making a move on somebody in real life. There was a really pretty girl at yoga last night that I wanted to talk to, but I didn't. I just don't know how to talk to girls that I don't already know. I have no idea how to gauge if someone is same sex interested without directly asking them, which just seems far too awkward for me to do with random girls. So I don't know what will happen with me. Maybe one day I'll decide to pay for the pink sofa website and find girls to chat with on there. OKCupid has been a total bust, with this stupid town. Maybe I'll move to Sydney again in the future and find someone.
Speaking of Sydney. Fucking David. I posted on facebook just generally asking whether I should take another trip to Sydney this year, and David messaged, asking why I was going down so many times in the next few months (Fall Out Boy on October 25 - fuck yea I got a ticket I was so fucking excited, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus on November 14 - which I just pledged for a ticket for, Kitty's wedding on November 23, and hopefully a trip down at the end of this month to meet Janika), and then to offer his services re driving in the city again and a place to stay. I'm actually planning on driving myself down (eek driving in Sydney!) and staying with Alex. He just doesn't seem to get it. He's nothing if not fucking persistent, but at least it's at a level I can deal with. At least he's not messaging me once a week or every second day. I don't plan on seeing him at all, not once in the four times I'm planning to go down there.
Anyway. I think I got a bit off topic. After a day at work I'm feeling much better, and the excitement of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and talking to Alex about when I'm going down there and Kitty's wedding, and just now Jes has decided that her and Loren are going to come to TRJA with me, I am feeling more like myself. The other day Alex said she was proud of me for how well I'm doing, and I'm proud of me too. I just really hope that I can hold on to it. I just need to keep remembering that there are good things in my life, despite all of the bad. And this medication really has been wonderful. Maybe I'll stay on it forever (probably not). I just want to be better. I actually really like the person I am becoming. I eat better. I go to the gym regularly. I am more sociable. More motivated. More functional. I want to stay like this.
17:09
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