things that have happened

So, things that have happened.

Over the past few days, somebody subscribed to my youtube channel and left me a tonne of comments. Most of them were fine. Until we get to a video I posted (mind you, I haven't vlogged in months) talking about gay marriage. They (I have no idea if it's a boy or a girl, obviously not somebody outside of the gender binary given the comments) said that gay marriage was unnatural, that marriage has the sole purpose of producing children. Anyway, I quickly posted a rant vlog, my first in months, going off the handle. Being gay is not unnatural. There is homosexual tendencies in a ridiculous amount of species on this planet. And marriage is nobody's business if you're not the person entering in to that marriage. It should make no difference to anybody who anybody falls in love with. Seriously. Homophobia is not cool, you're an asshole for that. And come on, you're not afraid, you're an asshole. I was really riled up about it.

Anyway, after I posted my video, I posted a facebook status. It said "if I have to hear one more idiot say something stupid like 'not being straight is unnatural' I'm going to start hitting people over the head with heavy objects." You know, because there comes a point where words don't get you anywhere anymore. You explain things, but some people are just too thick and prejudiced and stupid and bigoted to change their narrow views.

Now I rarely post things to facebook. I never complain about anything on there. Most of my posts are photos from instagram or reading updates from goodreads. I used to post petitions I've signed, but it's been a while since I've signed one. I basically just use facebook for getting annoyed at everybody's over share and keeping in touch with a few friends I don't talk to anywhere else. Every few weeks or so I'll post a completely meaningless status, like when I got J.K. Rowling's secret book and I just wanted to stop being a person so I could read it. Simple, trivial stuff like that.

Anyway, Alex from highschool commented on my status, telling me to grow the fuck up. So Jes commented back, and then texted me asking who it was. I was quite shocked. Seriously? Alex had already commented again, saying if all I wanted was to whinge about things, I'm being immature and I should grow up. So I went off at him on my status, and then I just unfriended him, just like that. Friendship over. I unfriended Alicia as well. Seriously? This isn't me whinging about a bad day or not getting some trivial thing that I wanted. This is a serious, real world problem. People die for their sexuality, for falling in love. In Russia, even so much as saying the word gay is punishable by prison time. Hate crimes happen everywhere. There are still ridiculously harmful "anti-gay treatments", even here in Australia. Sure, in comparison, having one person on the internet tell me my sexuality is unnatural is a pretty trivial thing, but you have to start somewhere.

On a positive, the person I aimed my rant video at messaged me apologising, saying that his attitudes were that of their parents, and they didn't mean to be an asshole, and that my rant has helped them realise that their attitudes need to change, that I got through to them, so that's good. I was happy for that.

Anyway, I texted Milly, just saying that Alex was a douche, but then she said that Oli had vomited and she'd text me later, and we didn't talk about it again until yesterday. She just commented on the status "what the fuck?" and so I was a little unsure of her position. The more I thought about it yesterday the more I freaked out. Milly and Alex were really close in highschool, but not so much now. We've all kind of gone our own ways, and only Milly and I are close. I don't know how close anybody else is, but Alex has kind of shut himself off. We've all separated in the last seven years. And so I was worried that maybe I had offended her, maybe she thought I had overreacted. Like, I'm pretty sure Milly is bi, but I've never really known her to be interested in a girl other than me. She's definitely more straight than she is gay. And I know that I take this sort of stuff hard, with every slight being a personal attack in the hopes that maybe I can educate at least one person. Anyway, she finally texted me about it, saying that she was seriously mad at Alex about it. She showed Joe what he'd said, and Joe asked her why I was friends with somebody like that, and apparently she said that I wouldn't be, and now I'm not, and also, that she didn't know if she still wanted to be. I felt so much better after that. A lot of the people I am friends with stay friends with people who have slighted me (case in point, Olivia), and I always try not to let it bother me, because I know that they've done something to me, and not to everybody else, and that people are allowed to be friends with whoever they want, but sometimes it still hurts. I get insecure over it. And I was spiralling a bit yesterday, thinking about the ramifications of what had happened and what it would mean, but Milly's text and her backing me really made me feel so much better. She seriously is an amazing friend. And Alex is just a douche.

And after that, I posted to facebook that if anybody else wanted to call me immature for being offended by homophobia they could just go ahead and unfriend me because I didn't want to hear about it, and I certainly don't want to be friends with anybody like that. Nobody unfriended me, but I unfriended Glen (from uni and work) because he just commented "that's so gay." Now I don't think he meant it to be offensive, I don't think he's homophobic whatsoever. He does actually seem to be a pretty cool guy (he gave me a lift home from a res school one time). He just always makes light of things. Anyway, this is the second time he's said something like that, and while I wasn't inherently offended by his comment, I just get sick of things like that sometimes. And so I unfriended him. Too bad. Whatever. I don't even care.

So yea. All that happened. And now I'm ok again and glad that I at least helped one single person realise the error of their views and motivate change. That is the good part. The bad part is all of the people who won't, the people who think you're being immature, and the state of the world. Although, the new catholic pope apparently said that it is not for him to judge who loves who, which is a huge turn around on that front. Maybe change will be made. KRudd is back being the prime minister, and apparently he'd said if he got back in to that job marriage equality would be a thing, but I don't believe it. I'm disillusioned with him anyway for his terrible, terrible asylum seeker policies. I saw something on tv the other day that marriage equality could soon be a thing in NSW, which is awesome. And it's a thing in England now too apparently. But still, Russia. Fucking Russia. Crossing that off the list of places I want to travel to.

I even had a rant to Mel about it at work yesterday and honestly, the fact that she's not at least somewhat homophobic surprised me. I think they're used to it at work, me constantly ranting about how shitty the world is and how much people suck. I rant about everything; homophobia, sexism, racism, fatphobia, the government, how much everything sucks. They're used to it, and I let them know when something is offensive.

I got a few likes on my fuck off facebook status, by a few people who surprised me (like Andy, who I met at TAFE years ago). I expect a lot of people just ignored it. But seriously, I am just completely unopposed to just cutting people out of my life via facebook when they do offensive or stupid things. I don't even care. It's cool if you want to be an asshole and don't want to change it. I just never want to interact with you ever again. 

18:52

super secret

Today I had a super secret free day off, as a thank you for working so hard while Mel and Anjina were off work and Bek had left. Waking up at 7am on a Saturday was awesome. I haven't had a Saturday off in quite a long time. I had a really good day.

I met up with Milly for lunch and a catch up. It'd been a while since I'd seen her. I would have loved to have seen Oli too, but some time soon. She's doing well, in a much better mindset than she's been in lately. Things with Joe seem to be going better too, which is good. It was really, really good to see her again. Then we did some shopping. I ended up buying three seasons of Stargate, an actual copy of The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me (Brand New) which was only $10, a pair of undies, a singlet, and a sexy little lace bra. Milly and I were talking about how we freak out over not having any money when we do, and then I spent $100. Oh well, I don't care. I deserve new things. And I can most certainly afford it, as long as I don't do it too often. Now I have more things to watch while I study, and a Brand New album to blare in the car. And a sexy new bra.

That I've posted photos of. I'm posting a lot of unsexualised half nudes on oggl, hipstamatic's version of instagram, and on tumblr. It makes me feel good about my body, and it's somewhat artistic. Being on tumblr and posting a lot of the photos from flickr has made me realise that nudity is nothing really, and I feel comfortable posting those kinds of photos, to tumblr and oggl. And at 54kgs, I feel like I look pretty good. I get a fair few likes on oggl, even though I only have 15 followers. Anyway, I don't really care much about nudity. And I'm not really naked, and it's not sexual at all. That'd probably be where I draw a line. Without clothes, it's not necessarily sexual, and it's just a body. Just like everybody else has got.

I am still doing really good. I think about it, about the way I feel now and how I react to things, and how I can finally just be angry or disappointed or frustrated without hitting depressed and suicidal, and maybe this is how things are supposed to be when you're mentally stable. But I don't think I'm cured. I don't know if I'll ever be cured. I know that this change has to be predominantly because of the move to amitriptyline, and maybe if I stopped taking it now, I'd relapse so quickly. But maybe in time I will be able to stop taking it. But it's not something I'm going to gamble on, not like I did with all my other meds. I know it's not something I will be on forever, but maybe, with some more counselling, I'll feel comfortable coming off them and seeing what happens. And also, maybe I can be happy while in this mess. In this house, with no romantic or sexual prospects, with few friends, not yet finished uni. I've always thought that my depression isn't just a consequence of my situation, of this house and my relationships. Through all of the changes in my life, with and without Tom, with and without David, in a flat with Tom, in Sydney with David, here with David, here without David, studying a lot, studying a little, working a lot, working a little, trying to manage multiple relationships with and without permission, I have been depressed, and not so depressed. The only constant is me, and my brain. Sure, all of that played a part, but I think that even if everything was great, finished uni, with friends and relationships, not in this house, I'd probably still be depressed. And so even though my situation is still much the same, maybe I can get better.

I went to the gym three times this week. I'm getting more flexible, better at holding positions. More able to focus on being in the moment. I'm thinking that on Monday I might go and do the zumba class and then yoga. I do want to start going to actually work out, but I'm still a bit nervous about it.

I'm still doing pretty well with study. I'm still ahead in abnormal. The lectures are a bit annoying, the lecturer isn't really very good, although he's a cool guy. He did one of the tutes in neuro, the one where I did the EEG. I like him, but he takes the long way around explaining things and ums and ahhs a lot. I've started the first 1000 word essay, which is due in next Friday. I keep freaking out about counselling readings because it turns out the third module is basically reading half of each text book and then some, but then I remember that it's like week four, and there's no real timetable, so I guess I'm ahead in it too. After I finish this first essay, I'll start my first counselling one, which is 3000 words. They both are. I'm a bit worried about it.

I got an invitation to Kitty's wedding. A few weeks back she added me to a secret facebook group asking for email addresses for invites, and I just kind of assumed I was invite to the group by accident. Like, Kitty and I get on awesome when we see each other, which has only been a handful of times. We're mostly doing different units, and we barely talk, but we like a lot of the same things and have a lot of the same attitudes and ideals. She really is pretty awesome. But I just couldn't figure out why I'd be invited to the wedding, given that we hardly talk, but in the end I sent her my email address and she sent me an invite. And so, obviously, she wants me at her wedding. I'm really excited about it actually, because I know that they cut down the invite list a fair bit due to costs, and guests aren't allowed plus ones. So I guess she obviously likes me a lot more than I thought, which is something I realise every now and then. And, I've never met her fiance! It's in November. It is seriously the coolest invitation ever. There's a loose theme of rock and roll debauchery, and I have no idea what I can wear, but I've got until November to find something. I remember talking to Kitty on twitter when she was really excited about her dress, but I never thought I'd see it. So I'm excited, and I feel good.

I'm planning on going down to Sydney soon anyway, if Janika will have me as a visitor. I hope she will. I hope Brett will give me some time off! I mentioned it the other day, and he was like "no, the place can't run without you!", and like, I'm flattered, and I know (Mel refuses to lift heavy things now she's pregnant, Anjina could have something go wrong with Alex at any time, like it did a few weeks, and Laura's ok, better than I thought she would end up, but she's not perfect), but I still deserve time off. Like, I know I will get it if I plan it, but he'll be reluctant. I never take holidays, everybody else takes holidays all the time. I work in a department with like ten people, and for like six months last year, there was continuously at least one person on holidays. So I'm sure I will get holidays, when I decide to plan them. 

18:04

science stuff update

So they’ve identified a protein receptor responsible for feelings of stress, anxiety and depression, and they’re talking about designing treatment in the form of a chemical that locks on to the receptor site “ending the biochemical cascade that ends in stress."

As someone with depression and also with a somewhat basic knowledge of how the brain works, I am not excited. This isn’t as big as it could be. Ending the biochemical cascade that ends in stress? Probably not a good idea. This probably isn’t the only protein receptor involved in stress, anxiety, and depression, in fact it most certainly isn’t, but for it to have been identified, it’s probably a major one. And blocking a major contributor to a stress reaction is probably not a good idea. Stress and anxiety, believe it or not, are healthy, adaptive states. It’s when stress and anxiety are prolonged or irrational that it results in problems. I don’t think anybody should be looking at designing a treatment to end this biochemical cascade when stress and anxiety are things that we are supposed to feel, can be healthy in some circumstances. It’s obviously early days in this research, it was only published in Nature on July 17, but the only way this is going to be a viable treatment option is if they can somehow figure out how to block the receptor in some cases and not all of the time. Otherwise, are we all just going to end up never feeling stressed, anxious, or depressed? As much as a miracle cure would be lovely, I envision more problems than solutions with this idea. Of course, I have a very limited understanding, and I could be completely off topic. I only read the news article, not the journal article. I’m not even sure I could understand it if I could get my hands on a copy of Nature (have you ever read a neuropsychological paper? I have, they’re complex). I do hope, of course, that heaps of further research will be done, and that it does lead to something that could help. I just don’t think that it will be the miracle cure that the news article seems to portray that it might be. Yes, it’s a huge find, a very important find, but not the be all end all. 

balanced

I have been to the gym seven times since I joined, a little over two weeks ago. And I'm pretty fucking proud of myself. It's all balance and yoga classes, but I'm getting better and more flexible. Stronger. Poses come easier. I can balance if I concentrate hard enough. I feel good.

Janika is ok. She texted me at 1 in the morning the other night, and then we texted for a few hours while I was at work the next day. I think she's being admitted to psychiatric ICU, which is where she's been a few times, and it doesn't seem to help her. She does seem a little better though, she said she wasn't going to do it again, or at least, she had no plans to do it immediately. I think she overdosed, we haven't really discussed it. I still mean what I said about going to visit her. I really do want to do it soon. We're not terribly close, but I think I'm her closest friend on tumblr. I don't know how long she'll be in hospital for, and I don't know how much contact with the outside world she'll be allowed to have if she's admitted. I know it doesn't do her any good, but I really hope that this time is different.

I'm still doing well, which is surprising. Mel is back at work, 20 days pregnant and talking about it. Yesterday wasn't too bad. She's not working a full week, so that's good. She burnt the cream making ganache yesterday, which made me laugh a bit. I even packed with her because Anjina was slicing, and it was alright.

David started messaging me on facebook the other night. I posted a status on facebook about how using terms like gay and retarded to mean stupid is rude as hell and if someone tells you they're offended, you should listen to stop, not just dismiss them. Someone I follow on tumblr was all like "nah I'm not being offensive, I have gay friends, they know I'm not homophobic, you're just sensitive", so I unfollowed her, and then posted about it. David messaged being all "are you ok? what happened? you can talk to me about it, you know I'm here for you" and I was seriously rude to him. Like how dare he say he's here for me. Like he was here for me when he left a suicidal me and never checked in on me to see if I was even still alive? He said we talked, like yes, when I messaged him repeatedly to bring my stuff back and he repeatedly refused. He goes "I sent you anonymous messages on tumblr to see if you were ok", and like, congratulations. Well done. A gold star for David. I remember being rude to him then too. And then he goes "but I texted Milly and asked her to take care of you", and like, how dare he do that? I'm not even mad that Milly never told me about it, I'm mad that he went to her in the first place. That he had the audacity to leave me when I wanted to kill myself, not even feel bad about it, and then keep trying to push himself back in to my life when I am finally doing well. It gets to the point where I just stop responding to him. I wonder how much rudeness, sarcasm, and condescension I have to employ before he finally gets it.

I was telling Brett about it, because we talk about these things now. He asked if, isn't it better off this way? And I can see his point, now that I'm doing well. And I am better off without David, given the type of person I realise that he is, the things he feels ok with doing. I am finally doing well and making real progress. I am better off, but it's taken hell to get here. I'm better off after two medications, finally finding one that seems to work, after terrible withdrawal. After 16 counselling session, god knows how much money I've spent on those. After months and months of suicidal ideation and feeling so bad I could barely deal with it. After threatening suicide on tumblr and having no one notice. After going up and down and up and down. After Emma and fucking David again and so long without sex and feeling alone and worthless and finally building up my self esteem again. I am doing better now, through all of this, and David doesn't even deserve to know me anymore. I know where Brett was coming from when he said that, he was coming from a place with no knowledge of how bad my depression is, of not being able to understand it. And I don't hold that against him. I know that some people will just never understand.

Anyway, away from that, before I get annoyed about it again.

I got JK Rowling's secret book today. I've got three other books on the go but I want to start that one, but I want to finish the others first. I'm not reading much at the moment, feeling a bit overwhelmed with study. Which is going well. I'm a little bit ahead in abnormal, but in counselling, I realised last night that there's a heap more reading than I thought that I need to catch up on. It says "read xxxx section" and I thought maybe it was a few parts of a few chapters, but really it's like half the text book. So I'm getting through it. I watched a video for my first abnormal essay, and I think I'll try to make a good start on that on Friday. I have to start my counselling essay too. 3000 words, it's quite overwhelming. I've never written anything so big before, and I have to do it twice. I hope I can do it well. I really want to do well.

19:12

j

In the nearly three hours since Janika posted a facebook status that looked suspiciously like a goodbye note, I have sent her text after text with no reply. I have called and left a message. I have asked her to call me. I have begged her not to kill herself. I have told her to stay safe because I want to go and visit her. I heard her voice, for the first time, on her voice mail. I told her I loved her. I begged her to just text me back, to call emergency, or LifeLine, or something.

No facebook statuses since. Not one single post on tumblr since she posted "this is the end". I replied, and she texted, thanking me for all my support. And that was it.

I want to cry. I want to snap my fucking fingers and just be wherever she is, because I don't know. She was in Sydney, she was in Newcastle, she stole her mother's car and left, and I think she went back home, but I don't know what her address is in Surfers, and her favourite place is the train tracks, but which tracks? In which suburb? Where would I be able to direct emergency services without even knowing what town she's even in at the moment?

I want her to be ok. I hate the suffering she is going through, the things her mind puts her through. I just want to take it all away from her. I want to go and meet her, I want her to still be alive so I can go and meet her. I want to hear her voice in person, and make her smile, and give her a hug and make her forget her problems.

I had an amazingly good yoga class, tainted by the fact that I kept glancing over to see if my phone had lit up with a text. It never did. I did amazing poses and had amazing extension and breathing. I am feeling relaxed, but beside myself with worry. And there's nothing I can do, except text and hope and go to sleep and wish that she is somehow still there. If she makes it through tonight, through this week, I will make it my mission to get up there to meet her as soon as possible.

20:44

relax relapse

There's a part of me that feels like I'm in a dark space just yelling STOP IT at myself. 

Mel's return to work might be what sends me in to relapse. Brett said the other day that she still had a week of annual leave left, but she's been in since and is coming back to work on Tuesday. Which is better than Monday, which I thought it was going to be. We've all just been so good without her and Adam there. There have been no fights, no arguments, everybody is working great together. And now it'll be over. Josh and I are very apprehensive, we don't want them to come back. Which, all things considered, isn't completely unreasonable, with all that's happened. Mel and the hours and the overtime and the stealing and the favouritism. Adam and the sulkiness and the anger and the throwing things around the bakery. We all work so much better as a team without them, and now they're coming back. 

And Mel's pregnant. She took a month off to rest up and go and go through IVF, and she's pregnant. Like, one week pregnant. And telling everybody. And there's some ridiculously high percentage of pregnancies that just spontaneously abort for no reason before something like eight or 12 weeks, and she's telling everybody, and it might not even take. She just loves the attention, and if it doesn't take, she'll love the sympathy. It just bugs me.

Everything bugs me. I've been on a downer all day since I learned that Mel was, in fact, coming back to work this week. 

And it just fucking sucks, because I've been doing so well, and I hope this is just a today thing because I do not want to go back down. I've been screaming STOP IT internally all day because just, well, fucking stop it self. I don't want to do this. I am finally doing better, and I don't want things that I have no control over bringing me down. And it's always things I can't control. I am far too dependent on circumstances to feel how I feel. I don't know how to change this.

I made an appointment with Nell for week after next. I did it yesterday when I was still feeling ok. I knew I had to go back anyway, I was just thinking I'd save it for a bit and go for spaced out appointments to get the rest of the year covered. 

Apart from this and work and Mel, I'm still doing well. I've been to the gym three times, one yoga class and two balances. Balance is hard, a huge work out. I had some issues yesterday getting in to it, my mind was too noisy and I just wanted to relax and concentrate on the poses and movements. Milly is going to join, so maybe we'll do some classes together. I think about going to another class, but I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it just yet. 

I'm getting ahead with study. I have to start my assignments. The first, a 1000 word essay on diagnosis for abnormal, is due on the 2nd. So I'll do that and then get stuck in to my first (3000 word!) counselling essay.

I just really do not want to relapse. I am trying so, so hard to hang on to anything.

I messaged Josh on facebook the other day with some instructions on how to download stuff, and he said he didn't get it, even though my facebook said read. It made me think that maybe he just didn't get the message about hooking up last time I sent it. Not that it makes any difference really. Just a thought. Josh dropped his phone today, and I was like "oh is it ok?" and Anjina asked what I was going to do if it wasn't ok, and I was just like "oh I thought he might be a bit upset, I was maybe going to give him a hug?" like I don't know what I was going to do, I was just asking. And Anj was like "oh you should have played your cards right, she was offering you a hug!" like I doubt he seriously cares about a hug from me. Like anybody seriously cares about any kind of contact with me really.

Jes read what I wrote about her in my last entry on tumblr. She apologised. As if my feelings for her are something she can control. Like I get it, I'm not worth anything, and I was too far away, and she never felt the same way. But I don't believe that she didn't always know how I felt about her. I just don't know why she apologised. 

15:57

sex

So we're doing a lot of talking about sex at work these past few days, not exactly sure why. It's just something we talk about a lot I guess. Anyway, Josh was talking about going away, because one of the prizes for some challenge we won was flight vouchers, and I mentioned going to Sydney soon, or at least wanting to. Anjina asked if I'd be staying with David. Anjina knows about what happened with David, that he left me because I was too depressed (since I've been feeling better, I've been quite sharing). I was like "no, god no", and she said that of course he'd think I was sending mixed signals, because I fucked him last time I saw him. And Josh and Laura were like "what?", and like, it's no big deal. Like yea, I fucked him, and I'd probably do it again, it meant nothing. I was bored (I actually said that, I wonder if Josh put that together with the time I messaged him and he ignored me, I said I was bored then too). I wasn't sending him mixed signals, thinking that what he did was ok. Sex doesn't mean a thing to me right now, I'd do it with anybody, well not anybody, but you know. It meant nothing. If we did it again it'd mean nothing.

Maybe that's just because I'm not getting any, that it means nothing. And like, how dare Josh act all shocked. I dare him to tell me a time that he had sex and it meant something. And I get the shock I guess, because Anjina's older and was married for ages, and different values of different generations and all that, but still, so what? So what that I fucked David? I made that choice, I hadn't had sex in over a year. He's the only fuck I've had since Emma. And that was just after David left me.

I wish I could have sex. There are so many people I want to have sex with but can't. I just literally do not know anybody that I can fuck. And I'm sick of Jes telling me she would if she was single, because she's not. She's never going to have sex with me, and I'm always going to have feelings for her. In essence, I guess, she is the "one that got away". And same with Milly. I would go for anyone. I would be totally up for fucking Josh if he'd have me, but apparently he won't. No one will. And I don't know why not. There is nobody that anybody could set me up with, if they cared enough about me to even want to do so. I think about fucking Alex and Ben, but I don't know. Their relationship just isn't the type of thing I'm interested in, and I don't want to ruin us. I want to fuck J, and we're talking about meeting each other soon (she'll be staying in Sydney for a bit soon), but with how fragile she is and her feelings towards herself, I don't even know if she'd be up to it. I don't even know if she'd fuck me.

I don't want to go out and try to pick up. I don't have anybody to go out with anyway, and I don't want to go drinking on my own, it'd probably end badly. And it's just too many risks, not to mention the risk of not picking up and feeling like shit over it.

I'm just sick of not having sex. It's kind of an intimacy thing, kind of just a physical thing. I do want to find a girlfriend, but as if that's going to happen at all, not to mention just because I want it to. I just want to have sex. I just want to fuck somebody, to feel desired, to feel good, to touch someone and have them touch me. And right now, I don't even care if it's a girl or a boy. I just want to fuck. I just wish somebody wanted to fuck me. 

17:38

why?

Why does no one ever talk to me on here? Why do I barely have any friends? Why doesn't anybody like me or want to have sex with me or want to be with me? Why am I a social recluse? Why am I so obviously undesirable? Why do the only people who say they'd have sex with me already have partners and therefore obviously cannot have sex with me? Why did I let myself end up here? Why did David fuck me over? And why did Tom fuck me over? Why am I just not good enough for anybody? Why am I the way I am? Why can't I be different and better and stable and desired and wanted and loved? Why can't I just go out and meet new people? Why don't I have anybody to take me out so I can meet new people? Why do I have to be primarily gay in a stupid little town? Why and how did I end up like this? Why am I alone? Why am I even here? Why does nobody notice me? Why can't I meet people online that I can have something with? Just, why?

I'm not down or anything. I'm just frustrated.

18:39

newbie

So I'm on blogspot (again). Just to follow a friend and keep up with her and allow her to read me. She doesn't use LiveJournal anymore, nobody does. Not that mine ever got much traffic anyway. So all of my posts, except for this one, at least for the time being, will be posted straight from there. I spend too much time on tumblr, I don't really need more social networking sites to eat up my time. Tumblrs, I have more than one (seven, actually, sigh). Facebook. LiveJournal. Twitter. GoodReads. Instagram. Oggl. Flickr. Now BlogSpot. My life is spent on my computer, as if you can't tell. I do manage to get all my study done anyway, so that's something.

I didn't even realise I still had an account, but I did. Years ago I had a "secret" page here. Secret because nobody knew about it, because I used a page here to fuel my desires to starve myself and jump in to eating disorders because I was depressed and had put on weight and I so desperately wanted to be as big of a train wreck as I could be. Thankfully I do not feel like that anymore. In fact, with a recent medication switch, I am doing the best I have been doing in a very long time, and I gradually lost weight healthily, and without even realising it. I used to hoard thinspo and ask my bulimic friend (who is now not my friend, though not for this reason) advice on how to throw up and hate myself for eating. Now I am a lot healthier, which is great. I think about that time in my life, and how messed up but not messed up I was. I am thankful that I didn't go down that track, or at least, further than I did. I used to want to be sick so badly, sick in any way. Physically. Mentally. Mentally sick enough that I got physically sick. Sometimes it boggles my mind how I was that sick mentally, sick enough that I wanted to make myself even sicker. I knew a lot of eating disordered people, and it wasn't that I wanted to be like them, not really. I just didn't want to be me. I was depressed, have been for most of my life I think. And I'd put on weight and I was not happy. But now I am, at least, more so than I was, a lot more so.

Anyway, I wasn't going to really write anything for a first post, but I guess this will be something now. An introduction of sorts, now that I've jumped straight in with the past desire to be so sick I was dying.

I read a lot. A lot. I study a lot. I think I'm going to do a masters of clinical counselling now because clinical psychology is hard to get in to and more research based than I think I could handle. I work in a bakery. I live alone, in my mother's house, which is packed to the roof (literally, I am not kidding) with years and years of shopping on sales and clothes and toys and memories that no one remembers. I am trying to clean it up, but it's very slow going, and I don't have a lot of time to do it with work and study and the internet. It's hard, because there is just so much, and I have no idea where to start, and my silly mother doesn't want to get rid of any of it. She has this silly notion that I will continue to live in her full house and not care.

I am single. And I literally have zero prospects. Apart from my ex boyfriend who "wants to make it up to me" over the fact that he left me to kill myself because my illness was too hard for him (boo hoo it was harder for me). And two of my best friends that I can't decide whether I love romantically or platonically but definitely do want to have sex with all of the time, but they both have partners. It is difficult to find girls in this town, though I haven't really tried. OK Cupid has come up with nothing (except for sleazy guys who just want to swap nudes and one girl who wanted me to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend, no thank you). My psychologist recommended Pink Sofa, but you  have to pay for that, and I couldn't be bothered. I would love to be having sex with someone, but most of the time I try not to let it bother me. I don't think there's many people in this town I'd want anyway. And I'm polyamorous, but I'm not even going to mention that right now.

Anyway I think that will do, because I really should be studying, not making yet another blog that I will spend too much time maintaining and checking.