I have been to the gym seven times since I joined, a little over two weeks ago. And I'm pretty fucking proud of myself. It's all balance and yoga classes, but I'm getting better and more flexible. Stronger. Poses come easier. I can balance if I concentrate hard enough. I feel good.
Janika is ok. She texted me at 1 in the morning the other night, and then we texted for a few hours while I was at work the next day. I think she's being admitted to psychiatric ICU, which is where she's been a few times, and it doesn't seem to help her. She does seem a little better though, she said she wasn't going to do it again, or at least, she had no plans to do it immediately. I think she overdosed, we haven't really discussed it. I still mean what I said about going to visit her. I really do want to do it soon. We're not terribly close, but I think I'm her closest friend on tumblr. I don't know how long she'll be in hospital for, and I don't know how much contact with the outside world she'll be allowed to have if she's admitted. I know it doesn't do her any good, but I really hope that this time is different.
I'm still doing well, which is surprising. Mel is back at work, 20 days pregnant and talking about it. Yesterday wasn't too bad. She's not working a full week, so that's good. She burnt the cream making ganache yesterday, which made me laugh a bit. I even packed with her because Anjina was slicing, and it was alright.
David started messaging me on facebook the other night. I posted a status on facebook about how using terms like gay and retarded to mean stupid is rude as hell and if someone tells you they're offended, you should listen to stop, not just dismiss them. Someone I follow on tumblr was all like "nah I'm not being offensive, I have gay friends, they know I'm not homophobic, you're just sensitive", so I unfollowed her, and then posted about it. David messaged being all "are you ok? what happened? you can talk to me about it, you know I'm here for you" and I was seriously rude to him. Like how dare he say he's here for me. Like he was here for me when he left a suicidal me and never checked in on me to see if I was even still alive? He said we talked, like yes, when I messaged him repeatedly to bring my stuff back and he repeatedly refused. He goes "I sent you anonymous messages on tumblr to see if you were ok", and like, congratulations. Well done. A gold star for David. I remember being rude to him then too. And then he goes "but I texted Milly and asked her to take care of you", and like, how dare he do that? I'm not even mad that Milly never told me about it, I'm mad that he went to her in the first place. That he had the audacity to leave me when I wanted to kill myself, not even feel bad about it, and then keep trying to push himself back in to my life when I am finally doing well. It gets to the point where I just stop responding to him. I wonder how much rudeness, sarcasm, and condescension I have to employ before he finally gets it.
I was telling Brett about it, because we talk about these things now. He asked if, isn't it better off this way? And I can see his point, now that I'm doing well. And I am better off without David, given the type of person I realise that he is, the things he feels ok with doing. I am finally doing well and making real progress. I am better off, but it's taken hell to get here. I'm better off after two medications, finally finding one that seems to work, after terrible withdrawal. After 16 counselling session, god knows how much money I've spent on those. After months and months of suicidal ideation and feeling so bad I could barely deal with it. After threatening suicide on tumblr and having no one notice. After going up and down and up and down. After Emma and fucking David again and so long without sex and feeling alone and worthless and finally building up my self esteem again. I am doing better now, through all of this, and David doesn't even deserve to know me anymore. I know where Brett was coming from when he said that, he was coming from a place with no knowledge of how bad my depression is, of not being able to understand it. And I don't hold that against him. I know that some people will just never understand.
Anyway, away from that, before I get annoyed about it again.
I got JK Rowling's secret book today. I've got three other books on the go but I want to start that one, but I want to finish the others first. I'm not reading much at the moment, feeling a bit overwhelmed with study. Which is going well. I'm a little bit ahead in abnormal, but in counselling, I realised last night that there's a heap more reading than I thought that I need to catch up on. It says "read xxxx section" and I thought maybe it was a few parts of a few chapters, but really it's like half the text book. So I'm getting through it. I watched a video for my first abnormal essay, and I think I'll try to make a good start on that on Friday. I have to start my counselling essay too. 3000 words, it's quite overwhelming. I've never written anything so big before, and I have to do it twice. I hope I can do it well. I really want to do well.
Janika is ok. She texted me at 1 in the morning the other night, and then we texted for a few hours while I was at work the next day. I think she's being admitted to psychiatric ICU, which is where she's been a few times, and it doesn't seem to help her. She does seem a little better though, she said she wasn't going to do it again, or at least, she had no plans to do it immediately. I think she overdosed, we haven't really discussed it. I still mean what I said about going to visit her. I really do want to do it soon. We're not terribly close, but I think I'm her closest friend on tumblr. I don't know how long she'll be in hospital for, and I don't know how much contact with the outside world she'll be allowed to have if she's admitted. I know it doesn't do her any good, but I really hope that this time is different.
I'm still doing well, which is surprising. Mel is back at work, 20 days pregnant and talking about it. Yesterday wasn't too bad. She's not working a full week, so that's good. She burnt the cream making ganache yesterday, which made me laugh a bit. I even packed with her because Anjina was slicing, and it was alright.
David started messaging me on facebook the other night. I posted a status on facebook about how using terms like gay and retarded to mean stupid is rude as hell and if someone tells you they're offended, you should listen to stop, not just dismiss them. Someone I follow on tumblr was all like "nah I'm not being offensive, I have gay friends, they know I'm not homophobic, you're just sensitive", so I unfollowed her, and then posted about it. David messaged being all "are you ok? what happened? you can talk to me about it, you know I'm here for you" and I was seriously rude to him. Like how dare he say he's here for me. Like he was here for me when he left a suicidal me and never checked in on me to see if I was even still alive? He said we talked, like yes, when I messaged him repeatedly to bring my stuff back and he repeatedly refused. He goes "I sent you anonymous messages on tumblr to see if you were ok", and like, congratulations. Well done. A gold star for David. I remember being rude to him then too. And then he goes "but I texted Milly and asked her to take care of you", and like, how dare he do that? I'm not even mad that Milly never told me about it, I'm mad that he went to her in the first place. That he had the audacity to leave me when I wanted to kill myself, not even feel bad about it, and then keep trying to push himself back in to my life when I am finally doing well. It gets to the point where I just stop responding to him. I wonder how much rudeness, sarcasm, and condescension I have to employ before he finally gets it.
I was telling Brett about it, because we talk about these things now. He asked if, isn't it better off this way? And I can see his point, now that I'm doing well. And I am better off without David, given the type of person I realise that he is, the things he feels ok with doing. I am finally doing well and making real progress. I am better off, but it's taken hell to get here. I'm better off after two medications, finally finding one that seems to work, after terrible withdrawal. After 16 counselling session, god knows how much money I've spent on those. After months and months of suicidal ideation and feeling so bad I could barely deal with it. After threatening suicide on tumblr and having no one notice. After going up and down and up and down. After Emma and fucking David again and so long without sex and feeling alone and worthless and finally building up my self esteem again. I am doing better now, through all of this, and David doesn't even deserve to know me anymore. I know where Brett was coming from when he said that, he was coming from a place with no knowledge of how bad my depression is, of not being able to understand it. And I don't hold that against him. I know that some people will just never understand.
Anyway, away from that, before I get annoyed about it again.
I got JK Rowling's secret book today. I've got three other books on the go but I want to start that one, but I want to finish the others first. I'm not reading much at the moment, feeling a bit overwhelmed with study. Which is going well. I'm a little bit ahead in abnormal, but in counselling, I realised last night that there's a heap more reading than I thought that I need to catch up on. It says "read xxxx section" and I thought maybe it was a few parts of a few chapters, but really it's like half the text book. So I'm getting through it. I watched a video for my first abnormal essay, and I think I'll try to make a good start on that on Friday. I have to start my counselling essay too. 3000 words, it's quite overwhelming. I've never written anything so big before, and I have to do it twice. I hope I can do it well. I really want to do well.
19:12
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