Mel's return to work might be what sends me in to relapse. Brett said the other day that she still had a week of annual leave left, but she's been in since and is coming back to work on Tuesday. Which is better than Monday, which I thought it was going to be. We've all just been so good without her and Adam there. There have been no fights, no arguments, everybody is working great together. And now it'll be over. Josh and I are very apprehensive, we don't want them to come back. Which, all things considered, isn't completely unreasonable, with all that's happened. Mel and the hours and the overtime and the stealing and the favouritism. Adam and the sulkiness and the anger and the throwing things around the bakery. We all work so much better as a team without them, and now they're coming back.
And Mel's pregnant. She took a month off to rest up and go and go through IVF, and she's pregnant. Like, one week pregnant. And telling everybody. And there's some ridiculously high percentage of pregnancies that just spontaneously abort for no reason before something like eight or 12 weeks, and she's telling everybody, and it might not even take. She just loves the attention, and if it doesn't take, she'll love the sympathy. It just bugs me.
Everything bugs me. I've been on a downer all day since I learned that Mel was, in fact, coming back to work this week.
And it just fucking sucks, because I've been doing so well, and I hope this is just a today thing because I do not want to go back down. I've been screaming STOP IT internally all day because just, well, fucking stop it self. I don't want to do this. I am finally doing better, and I don't want things that I have no control over bringing me down. And it's always things I can't control. I am far too dependent on circumstances to feel how I feel. I don't know how to change this.
I made an appointment with Nell for week after next. I did it yesterday when I was still feeling ok. I knew I had to go back anyway, I was just thinking I'd save it for a bit and go for spaced out appointments to get the rest of the year covered.
Apart from this and work and Mel, I'm still doing well. I've been to the gym three times, one yoga class and two balances. Balance is hard, a huge work out. I had some issues yesterday getting in to it, my mind was too noisy and I just wanted to relax and concentrate on the poses and movements. Milly is going to join, so maybe we'll do some classes together. I think about going to another class, but I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it just yet.
I'm getting ahead with study. I have to start my assignments. The first, a 1000 word essay on diagnosis for abnormal, is due on the 2nd. So I'll do that and then get stuck in to my first (3000 word!) counselling essay.
I just really do not want to relapse. I am trying so, so hard to hang on to anything.
I messaged Josh on facebook the other day with some instructions on how to download stuff, and he said he didn't get it, even though my facebook said read. It made me think that maybe he just didn't get the message about hooking up last time I sent it. Not that it makes any difference really. Just a thought. Josh dropped his phone today, and I was like "oh is it ok?" and Anjina asked what I was going to do if it wasn't ok, and I was just like "oh I thought he might be a bit upset, I was maybe going to give him a hug?" like I don't know what I was going to do, I was just asking. And Anj was like "oh you should have played your cards right, she was offering you a hug!" like I doubt he seriously cares about a hug from me. Like anybody seriously cares about any kind of contact with me really.
Jes read what I wrote about her in my last entry on tumblr. She apologised. As if my feelings for her are something she can control. Like I get it, I'm not worth anything, and I was too far away, and she never felt the same way. But I don't believe that she didn't always know how I felt about her. I just don't know why she apologised.
15:57
That's how I'm stopping from relapsing. Yelling at myself to get over things and not dwell on it.
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