sex

So we're doing a lot of talking about sex at work these past few days, not exactly sure why. It's just something we talk about a lot I guess. Anyway, Josh was talking about going away, because one of the prizes for some challenge we won was flight vouchers, and I mentioned going to Sydney soon, or at least wanting to. Anjina asked if I'd be staying with David. Anjina knows about what happened with David, that he left me because I was too depressed (since I've been feeling better, I've been quite sharing). I was like "no, god no", and she said that of course he'd think I was sending mixed signals, because I fucked him last time I saw him. And Josh and Laura were like "what?", and like, it's no big deal. Like yea, I fucked him, and I'd probably do it again, it meant nothing. I was bored (I actually said that, I wonder if Josh put that together with the time I messaged him and he ignored me, I said I was bored then too). I wasn't sending him mixed signals, thinking that what he did was ok. Sex doesn't mean a thing to me right now, I'd do it with anybody, well not anybody, but you know. It meant nothing. If we did it again it'd mean nothing.

Maybe that's just because I'm not getting any, that it means nothing. And like, how dare Josh act all shocked. I dare him to tell me a time that he had sex and it meant something. And I get the shock I guess, because Anjina's older and was married for ages, and different values of different generations and all that, but still, so what? So what that I fucked David? I made that choice, I hadn't had sex in over a year. He's the only fuck I've had since Emma. And that was just after David left me.

I wish I could have sex. There are so many people I want to have sex with but can't. I just literally do not know anybody that I can fuck. And I'm sick of Jes telling me she would if she was single, because she's not. She's never going to have sex with me, and I'm always going to have feelings for her. In essence, I guess, she is the "one that got away". And same with Milly. I would go for anyone. I would be totally up for fucking Josh if he'd have me, but apparently he won't. No one will. And I don't know why not. There is nobody that anybody could set me up with, if they cared enough about me to even want to do so. I think about fucking Alex and Ben, but I don't know. Their relationship just isn't the type of thing I'm interested in, and I don't want to ruin us. I want to fuck J, and we're talking about meeting each other soon (she'll be staying in Sydney for a bit soon), but with how fragile she is and her feelings towards herself, I don't even know if she'd be up to it. I don't even know if she'd fuck me.

I don't want to go out and try to pick up. I don't have anybody to go out with anyway, and I don't want to go drinking on my own, it'd probably end badly. And it's just too many risks, not to mention the risk of not picking up and feeling like shit over it.

I'm just sick of not having sex. It's kind of an intimacy thing, kind of just a physical thing. I do want to find a girlfriend, but as if that's going to happen at all, not to mention just because I want it to. I just want to have sex. I just want to fuck somebody, to feel desired, to feel good, to touch someone and have them touch me. And right now, I don't even care if it's a girl or a boy. I just want to fuck. I just wish somebody wanted to fuck me. 

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