In the nearly three hours since Janika posted a facebook status that looked suspiciously like a goodbye note, I have sent her text after text with no reply. I have called and left a message. I have asked her to call me. I have begged her not to kill herself. I have told her to stay safe because I want to go and visit her. I heard her voice, for the first time, on her voice mail. I told her I loved her. I begged her to just text me back, to call emergency, or LifeLine, or something.
No facebook statuses since. Not one single post on tumblr since she posted "this is the end". I replied, and she texted, thanking me for all my support. And that was it.
I want to cry. I want to snap my fucking fingers and just be wherever she is, because I don't know. She was in Sydney, she was in Newcastle, she stole her mother's car and left, and I think she went back home, but I don't know what her address is in Surfers, and her favourite place is the train tracks, but which tracks? In which suburb? Where would I be able to direct emergency services without even knowing what town she's even in at the moment?
I want her to be ok. I hate the suffering she is going through, the things her mind puts her through. I just want to take it all away from her. I want to go and meet her, I want her to still be alive so I can go and meet her. I want to hear her voice in person, and make her smile, and give her a hug and make her forget her problems.
I had an amazingly good yoga class, tainted by the fact that I kept glancing over to see if my phone had lit up with a text. It never did. I did amazing poses and had amazing extension and breathing. I am feeling relaxed, but beside myself with worry. And there's nothing I can do, except text and hope and go to sleep and wish that she is somehow still there. If she makes it through tonight, through this week, I will make it my mission to get up there to meet her as soon as possible.
No facebook statuses since. Not one single post on tumblr since she posted "this is the end". I replied, and she texted, thanking me for all my support. And that was it.
I want to cry. I want to snap my fucking fingers and just be wherever she is, because I don't know. She was in Sydney, she was in Newcastle, she stole her mother's car and left, and I think she went back home, but I don't know what her address is in Surfers, and her favourite place is the train tracks, but which tracks? In which suburb? Where would I be able to direct emergency services without even knowing what town she's even in at the moment?
I want her to be ok. I hate the suffering she is going through, the things her mind puts her through. I just want to take it all away from her. I want to go and meet her, I want her to still be alive so I can go and meet her. I want to hear her voice in person, and make her smile, and give her a hug and make her forget her problems.
I had an amazingly good yoga class, tainted by the fact that I kept glancing over to see if my phone had lit up with a text. It never did. I did amazing poses and had amazing extension and breathing. I am feeling relaxed, but beside myself with worry. And there's nothing I can do, except text and hope and go to sleep and wish that she is somehow still there. If she makes it through tonight, through this week, I will make it my mission to get up there to meet her as soon as possible.
20:44
No comments:
Post a Comment