Today I had a super secret free day off, as a thank you for working so hard while Mel and Anjina were off work and Bek had left. Waking up at 7am on a Saturday was awesome. I haven't had a Saturday off in quite a long time. I had a really good day.
I met up with Milly for lunch and a catch up. It'd been a while since I'd seen her. I would have loved to have seen Oli too, but some time soon. She's doing well, in a much better mindset than she's been in lately. Things with Joe seem to be going better too, which is good. It was really, really good to see her again. Then we did some shopping. I ended up buying three seasons of Stargate, an actual copy of The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me (Brand New) which was only $10, a pair of undies, a singlet, and a sexy little lace bra. Milly and I were talking about how we freak out over not having any money when we do, and then I spent $100. Oh well, I don't care. I deserve new things. And I can most certainly afford it, as long as I don't do it too often. Now I have more things to watch while I study, and a Brand New album to blare in the car. And a sexy new bra.
That I've posted photos of. I'm posting a lot of unsexualised half nudes on oggl, hipstamatic's version of instagram, and on tumblr. It makes me feel good about my body, and it's somewhat artistic. Being on tumblr and posting a lot of the photos from flickr has made me realise that nudity is nothing really, and I feel comfortable posting those kinds of photos, to tumblr and oggl. And at 54kgs, I feel like I look pretty good. I get a fair few likes on oggl, even though I only have 15 followers. Anyway, I don't really care much about nudity. And I'm not really naked, and it's not sexual at all. That'd probably be where I draw a line. Without clothes, it's not necessarily sexual, and it's just a body. Just like everybody else has got.
I am still doing really good. I think about it, about the way I feel now and how I react to things, and how I can finally just be angry or disappointed or frustrated without hitting depressed and suicidal, and maybe this is how things are supposed to be when you're mentally stable. But I don't think I'm cured. I don't know if I'll ever be cured. I know that this change has to be predominantly because of the move to amitriptyline, and maybe if I stopped taking it now, I'd relapse so quickly. But maybe in time I will be able to stop taking it. But it's not something I'm going to gamble on, not like I did with all my other meds. I know it's not something I will be on forever, but maybe, with some more counselling, I'll feel comfortable coming off them and seeing what happens. And also, maybe I can be happy while in this mess. In this house, with no romantic or sexual prospects, with few friends, not yet finished uni. I've always thought that my depression isn't just a consequence of my situation, of this house and my relationships. Through all of the changes in my life, with and without Tom, with and without David, in a flat with Tom, in Sydney with David, here with David, here without David, studying a lot, studying a little, working a lot, working a little, trying to manage multiple relationships with and without permission, I have been depressed, and not so depressed. The only constant is me, and my brain. Sure, all of that played a part, but I think that even if everything was great, finished uni, with friends and relationships, not in this house, I'd probably still be depressed. And so even though my situation is still much the same, maybe I can get better.
I went to the gym three times this week. I'm getting more flexible, better at holding positions. More able to focus on being in the moment. I'm thinking that on Monday I might go and do the zumba class and then yoga. I do want to start going to actually work out, but I'm still a bit nervous about it.
I'm still doing pretty well with study. I'm still ahead in abnormal. The lectures are a bit annoying, the lecturer isn't really very good, although he's a cool guy. He did one of the tutes in neuro, the one where I did the EEG. I like him, but he takes the long way around explaining things and ums and ahhs a lot. I've started the first 1000 word essay, which is due in next Friday. I keep freaking out about counselling readings because it turns out the third module is basically reading half of each text book and then some, but then I remember that it's like week four, and there's no real timetable, so I guess I'm ahead in it too. After I finish this first essay, I'll start my first counselling one, which is 3000 words. They both are. I'm a bit worried about it.
I got an invitation to Kitty's wedding. A few weeks back she added me to a secret facebook group asking for email addresses for invites, and I just kind of assumed I was invite to the group by accident. Like, Kitty and I get on awesome when we see each other, which has only been a handful of times. We're mostly doing different units, and we barely talk, but we like a lot of the same things and have a lot of the same attitudes and ideals. She really is pretty awesome. But I just couldn't figure out why I'd be invited to the wedding, given that we hardly talk, but in the end I sent her my email address and she sent me an invite. And so, obviously, she wants me at her wedding. I'm really excited about it actually, because I know that they cut down the invite list a fair bit due to costs, and guests aren't allowed plus ones. So I guess she obviously likes me a lot more than I thought, which is something I realise every now and then. And, I've never met her fiance! It's in November. It is seriously the coolest invitation ever. There's a loose theme of rock and roll debauchery, and I have no idea what I can wear, but I've got until November to find something. I remember talking to Kitty on twitter when she was really excited about her dress, but I never thought I'd see it. So I'm excited, and I feel good.
I'm planning on going down to Sydney soon anyway, if Janika will have me as a visitor. I hope she will. I hope Brett will give me some time off! I mentioned it the other day, and he was like "no, the place can't run without you!", and like, I'm flattered, and I know (Mel refuses to lift heavy things now she's pregnant, Anjina could have something go wrong with Alex at any time, like it did a few weeks, and Laura's ok, better than I thought she would end up, but she's not perfect), but I still deserve time off. Like, I know I will get it if I plan it, but he'll be reluctant. I never take holidays, everybody else takes holidays all the time. I work in a department with like ten people, and for like six months last year, there was continuously at least one person on holidays. So I'm sure I will get holidays, when I decide to plan them.
I met up with Milly for lunch and a catch up. It'd been a while since I'd seen her. I would have loved to have seen Oli too, but some time soon. She's doing well, in a much better mindset than she's been in lately. Things with Joe seem to be going better too, which is good. It was really, really good to see her again. Then we did some shopping. I ended up buying three seasons of Stargate, an actual copy of The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me (Brand New) which was only $10, a pair of undies, a singlet, and a sexy little lace bra. Milly and I were talking about how we freak out over not having any money when we do, and then I spent $100. Oh well, I don't care. I deserve new things. And I can most certainly afford it, as long as I don't do it too often. Now I have more things to watch while I study, and a Brand New album to blare in the car. And a sexy new bra.
That I've posted photos of. I'm posting a lot of unsexualised half nudes on oggl, hipstamatic's version of instagram, and on tumblr. It makes me feel good about my body, and it's somewhat artistic. Being on tumblr and posting a lot of the photos from flickr has made me realise that nudity is nothing really, and I feel comfortable posting those kinds of photos, to tumblr and oggl. And at 54kgs, I feel like I look pretty good. I get a fair few likes on oggl, even though I only have 15 followers. Anyway, I don't really care much about nudity. And I'm not really naked, and it's not sexual at all. That'd probably be where I draw a line. Without clothes, it's not necessarily sexual, and it's just a body. Just like everybody else has got.
I am still doing really good. I think about it, about the way I feel now and how I react to things, and how I can finally just be angry or disappointed or frustrated without hitting depressed and suicidal, and maybe this is how things are supposed to be when you're mentally stable. But I don't think I'm cured. I don't know if I'll ever be cured. I know that this change has to be predominantly because of the move to amitriptyline, and maybe if I stopped taking it now, I'd relapse so quickly. But maybe in time I will be able to stop taking it. But it's not something I'm going to gamble on, not like I did with all my other meds. I know it's not something I will be on forever, but maybe, with some more counselling, I'll feel comfortable coming off them and seeing what happens. And also, maybe I can be happy while in this mess. In this house, with no romantic or sexual prospects, with few friends, not yet finished uni. I've always thought that my depression isn't just a consequence of my situation, of this house and my relationships. Through all of the changes in my life, with and without Tom, with and without David, in a flat with Tom, in Sydney with David, here with David, here without David, studying a lot, studying a little, working a lot, working a little, trying to manage multiple relationships with and without permission, I have been depressed, and not so depressed. The only constant is me, and my brain. Sure, all of that played a part, but I think that even if everything was great, finished uni, with friends and relationships, not in this house, I'd probably still be depressed. And so even though my situation is still much the same, maybe I can get better.
I went to the gym three times this week. I'm getting more flexible, better at holding positions. More able to focus on being in the moment. I'm thinking that on Monday I might go and do the zumba class and then yoga. I do want to start going to actually work out, but I'm still a bit nervous about it.
I'm still doing pretty well with study. I'm still ahead in abnormal. The lectures are a bit annoying, the lecturer isn't really very good, although he's a cool guy. He did one of the tutes in neuro, the one where I did the EEG. I like him, but he takes the long way around explaining things and ums and ahhs a lot. I've started the first 1000 word essay, which is due in next Friday. I keep freaking out about counselling readings because it turns out the third module is basically reading half of each text book and then some, but then I remember that it's like week four, and there's no real timetable, so I guess I'm ahead in it too. After I finish this first essay, I'll start my first counselling one, which is 3000 words. They both are. I'm a bit worried about it.
I got an invitation to Kitty's wedding. A few weeks back she added me to a secret facebook group asking for email addresses for invites, and I just kind of assumed I was invite to the group by accident. Like, Kitty and I get on awesome when we see each other, which has only been a handful of times. We're mostly doing different units, and we barely talk, but we like a lot of the same things and have a lot of the same attitudes and ideals. She really is pretty awesome. But I just couldn't figure out why I'd be invited to the wedding, given that we hardly talk, but in the end I sent her my email address and she sent me an invite. And so, obviously, she wants me at her wedding. I'm really excited about it actually, because I know that they cut down the invite list a fair bit due to costs, and guests aren't allowed plus ones. So I guess she obviously likes me a lot more than I thought, which is something I realise every now and then. And, I've never met her fiance! It's in November. It is seriously the coolest invitation ever. There's a loose theme of rock and roll debauchery, and I have no idea what I can wear, but I've got until November to find something. I remember talking to Kitty on twitter when she was really excited about her dress, but I never thought I'd see it. So I'm excited, and I feel good.
I'm planning on going down to Sydney soon anyway, if Janika will have me as a visitor. I hope she will. I hope Brett will give me some time off! I mentioned it the other day, and he was like "no, the place can't run without you!", and like, I'm flattered, and I know (Mel refuses to lift heavy things now she's pregnant, Anjina could have something go wrong with Alex at any time, like it did a few weeks, and Laura's ok, better than I thought she would end up, but she's not perfect), but I still deserve time off. Like, I know I will get it if I plan it, but he'll be reluctant. I never take holidays, everybody else takes holidays all the time. I work in a department with like ten people, and for like six months last year, there was continuously at least one person on holidays. So I'm sure I will get holidays, when I decide to plan them.
18:04
No comments:
Post a Comment