newbie

So I'm on blogspot (again). Just to follow a friend and keep up with her and allow her to read me. She doesn't use LiveJournal anymore, nobody does. Not that mine ever got much traffic anyway. So all of my posts, except for this one, at least for the time being, will be posted straight from there. I spend too much time on tumblr, I don't really need more social networking sites to eat up my time. Tumblrs, I have more than one (seven, actually, sigh). Facebook. LiveJournal. Twitter. GoodReads. Instagram. Oggl. Flickr. Now BlogSpot. My life is spent on my computer, as if you can't tell. I do manage to get all my study done anyway, so that's something.

I didn't even realise I still had an account, but I did. Years ago I had a "secret" page here. Secret because nobody knew about it, because I used a page here to fuel my desires to starve myself and jump in to eating disorders because I was depressed and had put on weight and I so desperately wanted to be as big of a train wreck as I could be. Thankfully I do not feel like that anymore. In fact, with a recent medication switch, I am doing the best I have been doing in a very long time, and I gradually lost weight healthily, and without even realising it. I used to hoard thinspo and ask my bulimic friend (who is now not my friend, though not for this reason) advice on how to throw up and hate myself for eating. Now I am a lot healthier, which is great. I think about that time in my life, and how messed up but not messed up I was. I am thankful that I didn't go down that track, or at least, further than I did. I used to want to be sick so badly, sick in any way. Physically. Mentally. Mentally sick enough that I got physically sick. Sometimes it boggles my mind how I was that sick mentally, sick enough that I wanted to make myself even sicker. I knew a lot of eating disordered people, and it wasn't that I wanted to be like them, not really. I just didn't want to be me. I was depressed, have been for most of my life I think. And I'd put on weight and I was not happy. But now I am, at least, more so than I was, a lot more so.

Anyway, I wasn't going to really write anything for a first post, but I guess this will be something now. An introduction of sorts, now that I've jumped straight in with the past desire to be so sick I was dying.

I read a lot. A lot. I study a lot. I think I'm going to do a masters of clinical counselling now because clinical psychology is hard to get in to and more research based than I think I could handle. I work in a bakery. I live alone, in my mother's house, which is packed to the roof (literally, I am not kidding) with years and years of shopping on sales and clothes and toys and memories that no one remembers. I am trying to clean it up, but it's very slow going, and I don't have a lot of time to do it with work and study and the internet. It's hard, because there is just so much, and I have no idea where to start, and my silly mother doesn't want to get rid of any of it. She has this silly notion that I will continue to live in her full house and not care.

I am single. And I literally have zero prospects. Apart from my ex boyfriend who "wants to make it up to me" over the fact that he left me to kill myself because my illness was too hard for him (boo hoo it was harder for me). And two of my best friends that I can't decide whether I love romantically or platonically but definitely do want to have sex with all of the time, but they both have partners. It is difficult to find girls in this town, though I haven't really tried. OK Cupid has come up with nothing (except for sleazy guys who just want to swap nudes and one girl who wanted me to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend, no thank you). My psychologist recommended Pink Sofa, but you  have to pay for that, and I couldn't be bothered. I would love to be having sex with someone, but most of the time I try not to let it bother me. I don't think there's many people in this town I'd want anyway. And I'm polyamorous, but I'm not even going to mention that right now.

Anyway I think that will do, because I really should be studying, not making yet another blog that I will spend too much time maintaining and checking.