this ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race

Fall Out Boy were amazing. They sung most of my favourite songs, and had a great stage presence. I am so, so happy I finally got to see them. They were so worth it. It was amazing to be a part of the mosh, screaming along to all the lyrics with everybody else. I realised that quite a lot of the songs on Save Rock and Roll are meaningful, Pete Wentz said a few things about how people are told that it gets better, when it most often doesn't, and we just have to learn to deal. Some people think that young people are stupid when they identify so much with bands and songs, and claim that music has saved their lives, but it's really true. Music has saved me quite a few times. Maybe not Fall Out Boy specifically, but realising that a few of their songs were written with very meaningful messages just makes me love them more. Yea so what, maybe they're the new punk rock, or emo, or whatever. They are a fucking amazing band, and they were great to see live, and music can save people. I think last night might just be the best night of my year. I'm just so glad that I got to see them. The whole concert was just great. The people there were all really nice, and it's so good when you're in a nice mosh. I bought myself a shirt, a red mens singlet, but oh well. I liked it the best. I bought Milly a shirt too.

This whole little holiday has been really great. It is so good to see Alex and Ben again, and to spend more time with Berry. He's such a cute little baby, he looks so much like Ben. And he's so big. The last time I was here I really only got to see him for like half an hour, because I was with David. We went shopping yesterday, had some sushi, got my tattoo (a semi colon on my ribs/boob/side). I went shopping today, went to the Glebe markets. I bought a dress for Kitty's wedding, a shirt for Bek for Christmas, and books, lots of books. I'm borrowing maybe five from Alex, and I bought three today for cheap. A lot of the time we're just chilling at Alex's though, playing with Berry (and trying to get him to sleep!), watching Supernatural, and being on tumblr. And you know what? It's great. Like I seriously love that I'm not super busy with heaps to do this weekend. It's great that I could come down for a concert and not go back the next day. I always feel like I go away, but I never holiday. It's res school here, or drive to Sydney to pick up stuff there, or concert and back the next day. It is good to be able to just chill out, to not have so much to do.

I was hoping to see Janika, but she doesn't have anywhere to live in the city yet, so hopefully next time I'm here. I think I have rough plans with Kitty for tomorrow, but we'll just see how that goes.

I have to see David. Apparently it's unavoidable. I messaged Mel because I was just going to go there to get my suitcase, and she said she'd drop me back. But apparently they're super busy, and David must be pissed that I wasn't texting him (I honestly thought he wouldn't be there, he's supposed to live in Campbelltown now, and I was hoping I wouldn't have to see him), and at like 4pm he said he'd swing it around "later", so I texted him like half an hour ago to just tell him not to worry about it, I'd go over there tomorrow, but apparently he's still going to drop it around later. So I'm hoping he has enough sense to just drop it and go, because I don't want to spend any time with him. Last time we argued, he was all "why do you hate me so much?" like seriously, how does he not get it? And I don't actively hate him, I just don't think about him until I have to, and he's just been so fucking useless lately. And nasty. I have a right to be angry. The man practically left me to kill myself, refused to bring my stuff back, and hadn't even looked through it until I went down, 18 months later. It's not like him leaving me to kill myself is something that I will ever forgive, he has to realise that he fucked up hugely, and deserves nothing. I mean, he's like an emotional rapist, and I never use the term rapist lightly. He was just so fucking awful, and why does he think that I'd ever want to talk to him ever again? I'm still planning on deleting him from my facebook after this. At least I know, now that they're moving out of the house, that I have all of my stuff back. And I need that suitcase because I have so many extra books to take home.

Even with all that, I still feel fucking amazing today and lately. I hope that when I see David, he realises how good I look (because I do look good) and how happy I am and how much time I don't have for his ass and I hope it eats him alive. Cause yea, I'm bitter like that in my moments, and I don't even care. Hopefully I never feel the need to cut myself because of a depression that he caused ever again. I am finally happy, and things are finally good, even though they haven't changed much. And yea, I'm still medicated, but you know what, that's ok. 

19:24

nostalgia

I tidied off the bookshelf in the kitchen today. Took down the folders on the top of it, got covered in dust. You know what's good for cleaning dust off things? Baby wipes. The folders had all our primary school achievements in them. Awards, merit cards, report cards, participation certificates. For me and Bek. Emma had one too, but there wasn't much in it. In Emma's folder she'd drawn a big "I (heart) David Trasey," didn't even spell his name right. That guy is so tangled up in my past. I remember when Emma and I were 12 or 11, must have been 2000, Mel and the kids came up, there's photos of us all together in the back yard. I remember Emma and her crush. Sometimes I feel like no matter what happens, I will never escape him. I have literally known him my whole life. Our parents were best friends in high school. Maybe we could have been perfect together if he didn't turn out to be such a dick. If ever I had a fairy tale ending, that would have been it. Friends since birth, growing up together, lost virginity, move to a new city, travel overseas. Right up until the point where he left me because I was too depressed and he hated that I was poly. Or maybe it wasn't the poly, maybe it was just the sexuality. He always used to say that I was his one, the one he knew he'd end up with, that we'd get together. Well buddy, that worked out great didn't it. I just want to forget him, but he'll always be there in child hood memories and old photos. I can delete him on facebook, which I am going to do, but he's always going to be more than just someone I dated for two years in my 20s. If it had been anybody else it'd be over with, but it's not. There will always be some remaining memory. Remember when you went to the country music concert? Remember when they came down and he took your virginity on your bed right after our parents had left? Remember how we stayed up all night talking our first night in his place after you'd gotten up at 4am and you had a cold? Remember climbing the leaning tower of Pisa, or strolling through Amsterdam at 8am when it was still dark? Remember the house in Haberfield when you were younger and the back yard just seemed so big? Heaps of childhood photos. It's two and a half decades of memories, photographs.

I get nostalgic when I clean things out. I found a shoe box of old photos, from 1999. Mine, Bek's, Emma's birthdays. A "family" holiday. Ricky when he was just a baby. This house, when we moved in. The other half of the family helping us renovate it. Back when all the rooms where empty, when Bek and I had separate, clean rooms, when Emma and Ty slept downstairs, where you could actually get in to the downstairs room from both doors. Back when there weren't mattresses on the lounge room floor. Back when the curtains were new, the ones that still hang now. Back when there was a house that we lived in, not a house that is just so oppressing in its mess. Back when nothing was broken. I decided to do a mini photography project, comparing the same areas, but then my camera battery died, so tomorrow.

Mum eventually wants to take that book case. But I don't care. I took all of the stuff off the shelves, and there was so much crap. About ten wedding brochures. Gary used to keep proposing and she kept saying no. I don't know what I make of that. She didn't want to marry him, but she never left him either. There were old road maps, travel and holiday and hotel guides from back in the early 2000s. A whole heap of those collectible magazines and stuff from newspapers about animals and space and all that. A set of encyclopedias that has got to be 20 years old. Nothing on that book shelf compares with the vintage nude playing cards I found in the pantry the other day. The bottom shelf has old reader's digest information books. They're lovely books, but probably hugely outdated, and in bad condition. I read one called The Body Book when I was maybe 12 or 13. I also read a four book set of medical encyclopedias, and a big information book on babies that covered pretty much everything. And a book called Marvels and Mysteries of the World Around Us. If there was a time in my life when my nerdiness could be traced to, it was before then.

I'm going to put my collection of cooking magazines there. I have tonnes. And I'm making a list of all the recipes in them I want to try, as well as recipes for all kinds of treats and themed treats and seasonal desserts. By accident I found all of the Christmas magazines I was looking for last Christmas. They were on the shelf below the other magazines, hiding under my huge collection of stockings. I rarely cook, and I have so many magazines, so the plan is to cook at least one magazine meal per week. Hopefully.

Cleaning through stuff puts me in a weird mood. I get all nostalgic and kind of down but not depressed. I don't know how to explain it. I think I just face a lot of things that I forget, because I've just learned to deal in this house. It's no where near normal, but it's been my normal, for quite some time now. No matter what I go through, I get confronted with so many aspects of my past, of things that are so much different now. It's just weird to think back to a time when things were much more normal. And to think, if things went differently from that point, who would I be now? If Gary wasn't such a dick. If this house never got in to the state it is today. If we'd become a happy family. I don't think much would change though, we were still poor, living in a terrible area of town. And my birthday photos show me with a crowd of friends, but I didn't really have many friends back then either. So maybe everything would be the same. To change everything, I'd have to go back further. 

19:56

insults

So I'm officially on uni holidays. I was really stressing about the exam, I'm not sure why, but I was. Anyway, I think it went alright. I wasn't floored by any of the short answer questions, and I think I answered them well. I got 84% in my second abnormal essay, which is better than the first, and still a decent enough mark. I think I was too stressed and tired to be happy about it, the mark came out the night before the exam. I got my first counselling essay mailed back to me before the marks came out on the site, so I'm waiting for the second one to be mailed instead of obsessively checking the page for grades. I have no idea when the semester grades are released, I don't really want to know to be honest. I'll only stress about it until that day comes.

Today is hate me on the internet day. It's kind of funny. I got two random account comments from someone on one of my youtube videos, telling me I'm so ugly, and I look like egor. Cool. Then, one of the popular book tumblrs I follow does this confession thing, where you can just say anything about a book or a character or whatever, and she'll post it and add an opinion if she has one. Motivated by all the people talking about how they thought overrated books weren't that great, I decided to message and say I hated The Alchemist, because I thought it was so simply written and not at all inspirational. Like, yea, that's my opinion. And so then someone on anon messaged about how The Alchemist was amazing and I must be an orc to not see the complicated inspirational messages woven in to parable style writing. Funnily enough, the person who runs the tumblr agrees with me, and so responded with how insulting people for liking or not liking something is rude, and how we all have opinions, and sometimes those opinions differ. Oh. Another anon. Apparently I was hating and raging. People on the internet amuse me greatly sometimes.

Last week on tumblr I wrote a post talking about how I wanted people to like me. Someone fan mailed me (so I couldn't even properly reply publicly) about how I just had to be patient and someone would like me at some point and just be yourself and blah blah blah. Really, I was just whinging about how no one on tumblr ever sends me messages. But then I got that, and like, seriously? Candace always complains about people giving her unsolicited advice on her posts and how it infuriates her, and I never understood just how annoying it could be until that message. So I screen shotted the post and wrote this post about how I am always myself and people just don't like that. Like, yea, a lot of people don't like me, people generally don't. And like, it's not even something that bothers me terribly much anymore, especially after having Nell validate my feelings on invisibility at work because I'm different than them and more educated and going places and have different opinions and values. I wrote about how I'm just too difficult to deal with sometimes, sometimes too depressed, too outspoken, too intelligent, too annoying. Milly messaged and told me to stop it, that I wasn't any of those things, and that people do like me, but they don't. Some do, and I love Milly and Alex for being people that I can be close to. But I am me, and telling me to be me so people will like me seems stupid, because I know I'm difficult and outspoken and too smart, and I know that someone will like me eventually (not even crossing in to the discussion of how I feel about no romantic or sexual prospects), but that wasn't what I was talking about.

I was then talking about getting walked all over at work. Being usually instantly disliked. Being the person that annoys people with their opinions. Being the person that knows everything. Being the person that is overlooked, unincluded, invisible. I am that person that no one ever thinks of. I don't get invited to things. I get sad about it sometimes. Most of the time I'm mostly ok with who I am, and the people in this town don't like that, and that's ok, because I don't like them either.

Anyway, enough about my invisibility.

I have Sunday off this week. I worked Wednesday. It'll be nice to have a weekend day off. Milly and I may be drinking tomorrow night, maybe. I don't know. Work has been ok, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I still get shitty about Mel, and I still boss her around on Mondays just because I can. Nothing has changed, nothing will change.

I go to Fall Out Boy next weekend and I'm seriously excited. Excited about seeing Alex. I'm also planning a meet up with Janika, depending on where she is. I'm really excited about that. Alex and I are getting tattoos. I'm getting the deathly hallows symbol on my ankle, or a semi colon on my boob, or both. I am not excited about having to go to David's to get my suitcase because he is so useless and hasn't even bothered to tell me that he "hasn't had time" to take it to Alex's. At least, all going according to plan, when I do go and pick it up, he shouldn't be there, because he's supposed to be living in Campbelltown by now? He said "next week" about two weeks ago, so yea. Whatever. I'll facebook Mel and try to work something out.

I'm planning on doing some serious work on this house over the uni break. Surprisingly, Mum and Gary came down three times over the last weekend to do stuff. I nearly died. Though I have no illusions, it won't last. She won't get this place cleaned up, I will. I did a bit in the pantry today, it was a mess in there. I have no idea where to start. The plan is just to box things up and take it to Mum's. And keep whatever I want, as a payment type thing.

But, after nanowrimo. Thirteen days. That's a little scary. I should get organised, start trying to flesh out a plot from my idea. Cleaning up will help though, it'll be research. I haven't actually told anybody what my novel is going to be about, I don't know if anybody cares. Now that Jes has stopped talking to me, I don't really have a writing buddy anymore. So I'll get all excited on my own.

I was pretty functional today. I've been a bit all over the place lately, with my exam, and I worked six days straight, and I was really tired. But I'm back now, so that's good. 

19:45

people

Last night at the body balance class, there were two girls there that were in my year in high school. Occasionally there's one of them, and that sets me on edge enough, but last night there were two. I just pretend to never notice anyone whenever I see anyone from school. I never know if anybody recognises me. I spent the whole night thinking about who I never was, how I am never anything I want to be, or anything that anybody values. Those girls are popular, pretty, rich, smart, happy, loved. I'm not any of those things. I never was. Not even in high school. If I wasn't being teased and gossiped about, I was invisible. Nobody noticed me. I wasn't pretty. I certainly wasn't popular. I didn't have a lot of friends, I barely had friends in my group of friends. I was smart, but not like everybody else. I don't think I'm pretty now, although I think more highly of my appearance than I used to. I'm not loved. I've barely got any friends now anyway. People don't notice me. They don't pay attention to me. I'm not anything to anybody. I'm not particularly smart. I'm nothing really. Single, because David left me because I was too depressed, because I don't know anybody, because I don't know a single lesbian in this town. Poor, living in my mother's cluttered house in the shittiest area of town. Getting fucked over at work on a daily basis. I'm invisible. Taking forever at my degree when pretty much everybody from school has careers. I only just got my license this year. I've only just grasped mental stability. I will never be anybody of worth, nobody will ever notice me. And how can I change that? How can I somehow get people to notice and like me? I don't know.

Sometimes it bugs me. A lot. Sometimes it doesn't. I mean, I kind of like who I am now. I've lost weight. I'm on meds that work. I have Milly and Alex, and they're great. I'm almost finished undergrad. I know where I plan to go after that (I just have to be able to do it). I drive now. I'm not having sex and I don't see any sexual or romantic prospects in my future. I care about people, I try to help them. I'm planning on doing some work on this house over uni break. Even though I'm studying, I still have a full time job. I do adult things now, like get health insurance, and do everything on my own. Just, sometimes who I never was and who I'll never be just gets shoved in to my face, and I can't help feel down about it. But even with all the shit at work, with friends and sex and relationships I don't have, with this house, I'm on meds that work, and so I generally feel better.

So after that shit fight with David about the stuff he still had and how he said those awful things and how he got mad when I said awful things to him and pulled the "can we just talk about this" and "but I still love you" cards, he finally went through the stuff. He went to America on a holiday, said he's sort through it when he got back. He's back now. They've being kicked out of the house in Haberfield, the cute little run down house that I loved even though it was so broken. I don't know why. But they're moving, which is why he started going through stuff in the first place. And he messaged me, saying all he had was a suitcase. So I told him to drop it to Alex's. He said he didn't have time. Her house is literally a fifteen minute drive from his. But apparently he's got rehab before work, for his knee. "Unless you want me to go at 6am" and I wanted to shout that yes, I did fucking want him to go at 6am. Apparently he's moving to Campbelltown next week, which is hilarious, because he hated it there. So I guess wherever his mum is moving, he's not going with her. He said that if he doesn't drop the suitcase at Alex's this week, it will still be in Haberfield when I go down. I can't understand how a half an hour trip is something that he can't manage (after two fucking years).

But there's an upside to this. He's moving to Campbelltown. He won't be anywhere near Haberfield when I go to stay with Alex. If I do have to go and get my own suitcase, I will not have to see him. I may never have to see him again. I remember back when I wanted to stay friends. I haven't wanted that for a while. After he told me that he left me because I was too depressed, that was it. It was a really shitty thing for him to do, and he's turned in to a pretty shitty person in relation to me. He's said some really awful things. Sure, we have history, longer than that two years, but now, he's not a guy I want to know anymore. He's sure that this suitcase is all he has, and so after I get it I've decided I'm just going to unfriend him on facebook. I haven't cared for a while. I thought maybe we could be friends back in March, but then after what he said, just no. I had him hidden on my facebook for over a year. Then I made him visible again, but now I think I'll just delete him. I don't care how it makes him feel. I couldn't give a shit that he still loves me. This was his choice, and too bad. I don't even care if it eats him up anymore. I just don't want to be reminded of him anymore. I guess I only kept him on facebook until he had no more of my stuff.

This is just a blog about all these things and people I've lost.

But anyway, Jes. The other day she texted me saying she missed me. So I told her, again, that she's been busy. And then she was like "I know it doesn't mean anything but fuck I'm sorry" and so I just said ok, because I didn't know what to say to that. She dropped me. She just disappeared. And I just stopped caring. I'm only going to keep caring about someone for so long after they've just dropped me. I used to care so much about her. But oh well. People go in and out I guess, especially with me. She's another person I just don't even care about anymore. I was going to make a new nanowrimo tumblr, because last year I shared one with her. Anyway, I went to leave it, and realised that she wasn't even a member of that tumblr anymore. Same with the tea tumblr that she has had forever that we used to share. I knew she wasn't updating it, hasn't posted to it in like, a year, but I didn't realise that she'd left. I don't know when she left either of them. So now they're mine. Which is fine, I changed the URLs, and now they're mine. I changed the pass again on the private tumblr that she had the URL for, but she hasn't said anything so maybe she hasn't noticed, or she did notice and realised that I didn't want her to have it anymore. I'm not posting to it anymore anyway. She probably won't bother talking to me again anyway.

Speaking of facebook and David and deleting people, I really think I'll do a mass delete. Starting with online friends I haven't talked to in years, and people from high school, and maybe Jes. I don't know. It's not like I really talk to anybody on there anyway. Most of the people on facebook just annoy me with their shitty, whiny statuses. If I just had everybody I was really friends with, I'd probably end up with like ten friends on there. Like, I'll keep everyone from work, and people I know and haven't decided to hate yet. But yea, people kind of annoy me lately. All the time. I have Alex and Milly, and a couple of other people that I want to be closer to, a few online friends that I will always talk to even though we might not talk often. Sure, I might not really have a lot of friends, but oh well.

My exam is next Wednesday and I'm just tired. It's the end of the academic year, and I'm in holiday mode already. I'll just read my notes and hope for the best.

19:20

girls

I seriously need to get laid. I just want to fuck somebody. A girl. Preferably. But yea, no one is interested.

I saw Emma today, shopping. I don't know if she saw me. I had literally not seen her since that last time we fucked and then she stopped texting back. She looked exactly the same. And it got me thinking. About her. About fucking her. About everything that happened. I told Alex, and Alex said I should contact her. I was like yea nah, but then I thought about it, how I've got no one to fuck, how much I fucking liked her, how good fucking her was, her soft skin and kisses and her big boobs and her scars and all the little things she probably never realised I noticed. But then I got home, and searched her on facebook. Only her profile pictures are visible, but one was her and Elisha. It was from March last year, so there's no context for me to see. But no. Maybe if her and Elisha weren't still possibly friends, maybe I'd talk to her. Maybe I'd do what I did last time; hey I know we hate each other, but maybe we can fuck. But if there is even the slightest possibility that they are still friends, then I am not going anywhere near it. Elisha must have blocked me on facebook a long time ago. I can't even search her, nothing comes up. (At least facebook has decent blocking features.)

I remember being with her. It was so messy and complicated and awful. I hated her because she was still friends with Elisha. She hated me because I hated Elisha. If Elisha was never in the picture, things would have been so much better. But she was, and everything went to hell, and sometimes I can't even remember why. Alex said maybe they were together, but I seriously doubt it. Last I heard from Emma, Elisha had decided that she wasn't in to girls, that's why they were fighting. Emma went down there, and they fucked, and then Elisha decided it wasn't for her (fucking straight girls, ugh). But the photo is from after that, so I guess they are, or at least were then, friends. And that's fine. I was just shocked to see her. I honestly thought that she had left town. I haven't seen her since January last year. It was just a shock. I'll be over it, and not ever think about her ever again. I did briefly entertain the notion that we could talk again, maybe fuck again, maybe she'd be my girlfriend like she didn't want to last time. Funny how far the thought can go in a matter of seconds.

I just really, really want to have sex. I want to fuck a girl. For some reason it's been on my mind a lot. I can't fuck Milly, no matter how much I'd like to. I sometimes entertain the notion of getting Carly to see if Jade would like to meet up and hang out, just to see if it'd go anywhere. She cancelled our kind of not really dinner date before because she started seeing someone else, and it turned out that it was some guy, who a month later laughed at her while she was giving him a blow job. Carly and her friend were like "I told her not to go with the dick, go with Trina, Trina's nice." I see her come shopping every week, I see her update facebook and instagram, but we never talk. I've never said hello to her while she's shopping. I hoped that when I went out to Carly's for her divorce party, and then when we went out that time to see her boyfriend's band, that Jade would be there, but she wasn't. And I don't know. If I don't talk to Carly about it, I'll never know, but she's probably not interested anyway.

I was talking about Tom today. Hugh's working up at Big W with him, and he just mentioned it today when he came up to visit.

So, Kitty follows me on tumblr. Which I didn't realise. Not months ago when I got the invite for her wedding and then wrote on tumblr about how I thought it was weird because we barely talk. Not until the other day when she tweeted that she shouldn't browse tumblr in public cause of the photos that I post, both of myself sometimes, and just generally from flickr. I post a tonne of naked girls. Artsy though, not porn. And then I realised that she followed me on tumblr, and like, seriously the shit I post. I don't know how people keep following me, especially people I know in real life! I also occasionally remember old friend Jess who I used to work with who used to have a livejournal, and who follows me on tumblr like Kitty, who sees every single suicidal, depressed post, every single annoying rant people, every single rant about how nobody wants to fuck me or be with me, every single stupid photo I post of myself, and they still follow me. It's seriously weird sometimes to realise that there are people on tumblr that I didn't meet on tumblr. Weird.

Other stuff is going on. Crue's been vomiting and the vet listed about fifteen things that could be wrong with him in increasing severity from bad reaction to food to fatal kidney disease. I'm trying him on a diet of boiled chicken and rice to see if it clears up on its own, and he's two days vomit free. Hopefully he's not actually sick. Not sure I could deal with that again. I submitted my counselling essay last night, I think it's alright. I hope. Just got a tiny bit of the last abnormal chapter to finish and then revision and in ten days semester is over. I've got three units left and then undergrad is finished, and I have to figure out what next.

I had a really good session with Nell on Tuesday. Talking about how I felt invisible, especially at work, and she started talking about how I'm doing things and am intelligent and socially aware and it's not common to find people like that where I work, so it's no wonder I don't really have any friends at work. She was really pleased when I said I was planning to do some serious work on this house over my uni holidays. I've got one session left with her.

I am doing really good lately. I don't remember ever doing this good.

I'm planning on dong nanowrimo again this year. I'm feeling some what conflicted about my plot line, it's my idea, but I feel like I'll be borrowing from certain tv shows and movies and books.

My fingers look terrible.

I go to Sydney soon, and I'm excited. I still really want to see Janika. 

17:11

healthy

I feel a little bit like a broken record sometimes, but just look at how well I'm doing lately. The downside of having no one know about my crippling downs is that no one really notices when I'm doing super well. Except for Alex, and Milly, and the 1100 people who follow me on tumblr and don't give a shit and never talk to me. They must notice at work, but they probably don't. No one says it to me anyway, except for Alex. Sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops about how well I am doing, and how normal and motivated and healthy I feel.

I made a kick ass sandwich today. I went to the gym and did some cycling before yoga, a habit I'm hoping to develop. Then I was seriously hungry and all I wanted was some berries or a sandwich, so even though I was wearing gym clothes and no make up, I went shopping anyway. I had tuna, sprouts, tomato, cucumber, fetta, and avocado on four seed bread. It was amazing. I'm becoming a lot healthier. I eat fruit pretty regularly now, and yogurt. I still eat a lot at work though, bread rolls and donuts, as well as burgers, pies and chips a lot for lunch. Brett is on a real cooking trip again, so we have a cooked lunch nearly every day, and it's rarely super healthy. My weight has leveled out around 55kg, which is ok, but I do want to lose a bit more. The plan is to reduce the amount of crap I eat at work, donuts and bread rolls (sometimes I eat two fruit buns, and then a big lunch), and eat healthier at home. I got in to the habit of buying bars of chocolate and chocolate biscuits and constantly snacking on them. It was much better when I never bought those things. I couldn't eat them if they weren't here. I probably won't ever stop drinking coke, but I drink more juice at home than soft drink now. I drink a lot of lemon lime and bitters, and I have coke at home when I buy it at work and bring it home. I'm not particularly worried. Soft drink isn't really healthy, but I'm not going to try to cut it out completely. I want to be healthy, not restrictive. I'm not setting out to cut out all sugar or eat only organic food or deny myself unhealthy things. I just want to be healthy, to be healthier. Compared to a year ago, when I was with David, any other time that isn't the past year, I am so much healthier. And it feels good.

I'm still smoking, but shh. It's terrible I know, one day I'll stop.

I'm doing better with exercising too. It's yoga or balance three times a week, and I've started going half an hour early on Fridays to do some cycling. After uni is over for the year I'll start going more to do cardio. There's only about three weeks left. I've still got a free session with a personal trainer too. I can see the improvements from doing yoga. Sometimes I'll be doing it and notice other people who are stronger and more flexible than I am, and get a little sad, because why can't I be there? And then I remember that they've obviously been doing it more regularly for longer, and I will get there. I can touch the floor easier now, hold lunges and warriors longer, bend further, reach my toes, balance better. After I'm all warmed up I can usually get my heels on the floor in a downward dog. I can high plank to low plank slowly without being on my knees. I am improving. I'm not as good as some of the people that I see in classes regularly, but I am getting there. I will get there. I was planning on doing different classes, combat and step and pump, with Milly, but she hasn't joined the gym yet.

I sorted out my study this afternoon. I need to apply for advanced standing for a few of the units from my B.Arts and stats, which I'll do some time this week. After I complete these two units I will have three to go until I am finished undergrad. It's been so long, I'm not sure I thought I would ever finish! But it's close, one year to go. And then I'll apply for honours, hopefully get it, and hopefully do well. Even though I'm currently not planning on doing clinical masters in psychology, I think I may still try, and for that I need honours, first class honours. I have no idea what I will do my honours on, and I really do hope I get in. I have the grades. I only got credits for both stats units, but that is the requirement. I'm not so good at stats, but I think if I do it in honours, I will learn. Otherwise the plan is to get some experience counselling (probably LifeLine), do the two post grad dip courses in counselling, and do clinical masters in counselling. I figure I can do clinical counselling, get a counselling job (it seems so far away, barely even a possible reality), and then maybe after some life, go back and do masters in clinical psychology. Maybe. Counselling seems much easier to get in to, and it's not a research masters. Of course there is the internship route in to clinical psychology, if they're still doing that in a few years. I will look in to it.

I've got an essay due next weekend for counselling. I started it the other day. I'm about a third of the way through. I'm leaving the hard bit until last, where I have to detail counselling interventions, and talk about things in the first person, which is something I feel weird about doing. I kind of got away with not doing it in the last one. My exam for abnormal is on the 16th, and I'm currently doing the last chapter. I think this is the most ahead I've ever been in a unit. It feels good.

In about a month I go down to Sydney for Fall Out Boy and I'm seriously excited. Sure, I'm seeing David and getting my stuff back, again. Hopefully I do not have to spend much time with him. My feelings haven't changed since our last conversation. He's currently holidaying in America, so he is updating facebook super regularly, and it's a bit annoying. But I am even more excited because Alex and I are getting tattoos again, and I'm getting the Deathly Hallows symbol on my ankle, for sure, and maybe a semi colon on the side of my boob. Depending on how much they'll charge. We go to Broadway because it's nice, but it's much more expensive than it would be if I got a tattoo here. At least I know Broadway is clean, the places here are questionable. Alex is getting a blueberry cupcake because her nickname for her baby is berry, and it's cute.

I feel like I need to keep reminding myself of how well I am doing, and keep it up. It is much, much easier than it's ever been. And even though I get down and angry about some things like work, and I feel lonely a lot because I have no one to be interested in or who is interested in me, and I haven't been kissed or had sex for so, so long, and sometimes I crave intimacy, I bounce back pretty quickly. (J is out of hospital again now, so maybe I'll see her when I go down next month, and there's a potential potentiality, and really I have no idea, but maybe something will happen, even if it will be complicated kind of.)

18:22

better

This is going to be a happy entry, after my ranty one the other day.

Sometimes it just amazes me how well I'm doing lately. I realised yesterday that I think I no longer believe that a crash is inevitable. This might be the first time I have ever believed that I can get better, be better, live without depression. And I really, really hope it sticks. Sure I've had a few dark moments and bad days, but I recover quicker. I get angry, but it doesn't spiral in to suicidal. It's great. I fucking love it. This is the best I can remember feeling in, possibly forever.

I don't want to crash ever again. I've still got two or three sessions with Nell to go, but I can't remember when they are. I think it's two, at either end of October maybe. Then I will have had 20 sessions with Nell, and I really feel like I've only made progress in the last two, and that's because of the change of meds. I am so immensely thankful that these meds are working, that I've finally made progress. The sessions with Nell were only support therapy, so I was barely getting any strategies to work with, except for a few mindfulness pointers. For all that though, I do think she is a great psychologist. And I suppose that after CBT not working, and ACT kind of only being a relatively new-ish thing, there wasn't really much else for me to be referred for.

Work is going ok. Study is going ok. My counselling essay is due in sixteen days, but I'm not feeling enough of a sense of urgency to start it yet. I think it will be easy enough to write, once I start it. I should be able to get another good mark. I submitted my second abnormal essay only to realise that the date had been moved back a week anyway. Alex gave it a read through for me and said she thought it was good, so I hope I get a better mark than the last one. I think I just rushed the last one and didn't pay enough attention to editing.

I went to the gym early today and did some exercise bike before the yoga class. It felt good. My weight has leveled off a bit higher than it used to be, and while I still feel like I'm thin, I do want to lose a bit more. I remember being so determined to get under 60kgs, when I weighed more than that. I'm at 55kg now, and I feel like I look so much better, and I like the way I look in clothes better, but I still want a bit more. But mostly, mostly I just want to be healthy and work out and get fit. Even if it's just yoga and flexibility and strength, which I'm getting better at and it's awesome. Today was the first time I went to the gym to not just do a class, and I was a little nervous, but I did it, so now I can do it more often. I'll try to go early before the classes I go to and do a bit of bike or treadmill before each class. I've got a free personal trainer session that I need to do.

I am eating so healthy lately. When I went shopping on Tuesday I bought so much fruit and vegetables, my fridge was full of them. I made a tuna salad, which I won't be eating the rest of because I really can't eat too much red onion, I just really don't like it. I'll make the salad again, with cocktail onions or something instead of red onions. I bought a few things to make a pumpkin loaf with, but I haven't gotten around to making it yet. I buy and eat fruit now, which is something I never used to do.

I eat healthy. I go to the gym. I function. I take my meds every day. I see Milly regularly, I talk to Alex all the time. I study, and am ahead for abnormal. I smile a lot. I talk with people. I am doing damn fucking good lately and I love it.

19:10

rant

I'm tired and grumpy and I have a headache and it's cold again and so I'm just going to complain a bit.

So I went over to Optus today to ask about my phone. The other day the guy told me my excess would likely be zero because I've been paying insurance on a plan for so long. I thought, I'll just back up on to my old iphone and use that while I send it away, and I can still have all of my apps and photos and everything and I won't even notice. But then it wouldn't back up and it kept coming up with error messages. First it said there wasn't enough space on the old phone, which is ridiculous, because they're the same size phones. I figured the back up would just restore over the old data, or just add the new stuff on. But apparently not. Also, I think there's a problem with the old cord, because I remember having troubles connecting it to my laptop before.

So today I go over, and the girl tells me that what they've usually been doing is just giving people new phones instead of repairing them. And also, why haven't I called insurance yet to make a claim? Because the guy I spoke to last week just told me to bring it in once I'd backed it up and they'd do it. It took me forever to get the old sim out of my old phone, cause I thought, I'd put my current sim in and just not back it up and go without a few apps and the newer photos until I get my current phone back or a new one. And then of course, the sim cards aren't even the same size. So I can't put my current sim in the old phone, and I can't restore the back up on my old phone, and I didn't know if I could get a new, bigger sim, or somehow a replacement phone just so that I can still text. So I went over, and called insurance from there, only to be told that my excess will be $75, and that I have to pay that and then send my phone to them for assessment. I won't get my phone back, or a new one, until they've assessed it. But I can't restore the back up on my old phone, although they can give me a new sim.

So in my annoyance, I completely erased my old phone, thinking it'd restore the back up if there was nothing on it. But then, it needs a sim card to activate, which I don't have for it. So I can't do anything. The girl at Optus told me I could take my laptop over and restore it on to my old phone from there and they'd be able to help with any problems I had. So at this point I think I will pay the fucking excess, take both my phones over there, get a new sim for the old phone, and restore it there, and if it works, send my phone away for assessment.

I'm kind of wondering whether it's even worth it. I've been so stressed out about all this shit not working, it's ridiculous. Sure, my screen is cracked, but it's definitely still completely functional, and maybe I should just deal with it. On the other hand, this is what I pay insurance for. I just thought for sure that the excess would be zero, and I didn't realise the sim cards would be different sizes for the different models. I thought this would be easy, simple, but it's not. And it's fucking annoying me. But, I've already spoken to insurance, so they know I'm planning on making a claim, and then, what if I don't go through with it, but break it again at a later date, and then have them not fix it because I'd already decided not to? I don't know. All I can do is just take everything to Optus tomorrow and hopefully my old iphone will restore the back up with a better cord and a new sim and nothing on it. It should just set up like a brand new phone, and I should just be able to restore the back up no problem. At least, I hope so. I wonder if they'll just give me a new sim before I decide to send it away, just to see if it works. I guess really, the worst that can happen is that I have to copy out all my contacts somehow and just redownload the apps I use most often (like facebook and hipstamatic and instagram and oggl and tumblr and dosebox and suduko) and just go without everything else and all my photos until I get a 5 back so I can completely restore from back up. That shouldn't be too hard, right? I barely text anyone. The only reason I don't want to not have a working phone really is because texting is my only form of communication with work, and I text Mum and Milly and Alex a lot, though I can keep up with them via tumblr and facebook off the laptop, and I take so many photos all of the time. Honestly, the world won't end if I don't have a phone for a few days, I'm not going to miss anything important. I'll just not be able to contact a few people and I'll be bored without the internet right where I am all of the time.

I don't know. It's just all been too much hassle. It's my own stupid fault anyway. If I hadn't dropped it on the fucking concrete at the gym last week, everything would be fine.

It's cold again and raining a lot. I did washing on Sunday, and hung it out under the pergola because it looked like it would rain. And it's been raining ever since. And it'd be absolutely fine, if the pergola didn't leak. So half the clothes are still out there, wet because of the leak and the rain, and also, the cement is fucking fucked and so there's a big dip and I can't walk down there without getting my feet soaked. Just one of a thousand reasons why I hate this house. And I hope it's sunny tomorrow because I need to wash again because I will need the work clothes, and also, Crue kind of vomited on my sheet the other day (thankfully not anywhere near the part of the bed that I sleep in, but still, fucking pissed about it), and even if I didn't have other stuff to wash and hang under the pergola, the line isn't big enough for a sheet anyway.

Also the air conditioning in this house is fucked and needs major fixing. Mum's whinging about the money it'll cost because she needs to get hers fixed as well, and I know I should be good and help pay for it but I don't know. This whole situation we're in, where she's been on a single parent pension for the last 25 years and Gary does nothing and the absolute state of this house, and every single thing that has ever happened is just so, so fucked. And honestly, I can't help but blame her. Not for all of it, but for landing all of us here in the first place. For believing in my father, for never getting a job, for being sick, for being poor, for Gary, for all the complaining, from the severe lack of money, for complaining. I know that's really a terrible thing to say and think, but sometimes she just sits there and begs for sympathy and talks about how this isn't the way she's supposed to be living, and yea, I get that. But you made choices that got you there. I didn't make those choices. She didn't have to make those choices for us, for all of us. And like, I don't resent her for how things are, and I know that things could be so much different but not any better, and without Gary there wouldn't be Ricky and Arche, and everything is complicated, but I still get fucking angry over it sometimes and I am so, so sick of hearing about how everything sucks for her. Yes, she's got a shitty, shitty partner, and no money, and no job and no security and this fucked up house (which she did to herself, and to us). But things suck for me too. I live in this house with all of her crap, with sometimes crippling depression, trying to manage a full time job and a university degree so that I don't end up exactly like she did, and sometimes I just get so sick of her woe is me shit. And I didn't even mean to rant about this. That just came out of nowhere. When I get annoyed over one little thing, I just get annoyed about everything.

Work is fun. We were supposed to get the area manager yesterday. He came a few weeks ago, without much warning, and so we'd left all the food and shit in the bakery, which obviously, we are not supposed to have. Anyway, he didn't say anything, Brett freaked heaps, but it was all ok. But then we knew he was coming again, so we did tonnes of cleaning and organising and shit. Yesterday was Brett's day off, so I started work an hour early to do the freezer load and all the stuff he does as manager, and then had to reorganise the floor because they'd moved everything, on top of slicing the bread and doing all the other shit and going to check outs all the time. I worked my ass off, I always do. I always do much more than I should do, I always stay back if I need to, I do much better work than some of the others. But I get nothing. Mel has been really slack lately. Like I know she lost the fetuses and that must be hard, but still, fucking work alright. She's back to her old tricks, doing only what she wants, turning up and leaving early, and the like. But still the fucking sun shines out of her ass. Yesterday I go in early, I do all the work, she does nothing, but he's still texting her, asking her how things are, telling her what we should do for the day. Like I put in so much effort, but I'm not married to anybody so I'm invisible. And I'm fucking sick of it. I should adopt her attitude, be more like her. If he wants to put all of his faith in her while she doesn't do any of the work, he can have her work every single fucking weekend, do all the shit that I do, slice the bread every fucking day.

So I passively aggressively posted to facebook "do all the work, get none of the credit", knowing that he'd see it at some point, that it was vague enough to not get me in trouble for posting work stuff to facebook (which, it seems, is something only I get in trouble for, everybody else does it, like everything else, I always get in trouble). He didn't say anything about it, but he was a lot nicer to me today, thanking me for yesterday. But only because Mel wasn't there. On Thursday when she's there it'll be back to normal, me being invisible and her being the fucking princess.

And I'm pissed because I want to join the union at work. I've been there for nearly eight years, and I don't know why I didn't join when I started working there, and I feel like it's stupid that I'm not a member. I thought, I'll just go to the website and join there, but I can't. I have to fill out a form with a delegate at work and have them send it away. And I just feel stupid because I feel like I'll be considered stupid for not already being a member, that it'll be embarrassing to ask someone to sign me up, because I should already be a member. I know who to ask (fucking Patrick, sleazy ass guy, or another produce guy, both of which are only there on weekends), but I don't want them to know that I haven't joined already. I don't want anyone to know. I just wanted to do it and have nobody realise. I feel stupid about it, embarrassed. Like I know that they probably won't care, but I still just don't want everyone to know. It's like what I did with driving, I didn't do it, so I got anxious about it, so I didn't do it. But I should just do it. I just need to suck it up and get over the fact that I'm an idiot for not already being a member (honestly, it wasn't even something I thought about until now Abbott is in and Kitty posted a status saying that people should join their unions), and maybe I can just pretend I thought I had already joined, or something.

I don't know. I'm pissed. I've been seriously angry for the past few days now, although work was alright today. I ordered shoes online for Ricky from America and he has rang asking about them every day since. I keep telling him that I will let him know where they are when I get updates (they're currently in transit from America, so no updates until they hit the country) but he keeps ringing me anyway. And I'm sick of fucking being invisible on tumblr. I'm sick of being invisible in real life. I'm sick of constantly worrying about money even though I probably don't need to, and I've even set up a savings account now with weekly deposits (currently saving for my next three trips to Sydney, and hopefully even a tattoo). I'm sick of fucking everything. But I'm not depressed, I'm not down or suicidal and helpless or apathetic. I'm angry, which is a nice change, even if it is a shitty emotion.

On the plus side (I have to remember to keep looking there), I currently have a fridge full of super healthy food, and I'm in love with a YA novel series, and I can afford the next few dvds I want to buy, and I love spending time with Milly and always talking to Alex, and I got good grades so far this semester, and I ordered some new books, and I go to Sydney relatively soon-ish, and I'm still functioning. So there's all that.

20:20

busy

I feel like things have been crazy, but I don't think they have been. Work has been crazy. Today was shit busy, with a power out for over an hour. We spend a lot of time on check outs now, which is shit. After the last few weekends, we've been busted hugely for not going to service calls. Really, they shouldn't need to be calling service calls every half an hour. They shouldn't need staff members from every department to man the check outs all through every day. It's ridiculous. Last weekend someone rang Brett on his day off and had a huge whinge, and so now we've been told to go every single time. At the expense of our own work. So shit's fun. We had a huge clean up today, while spending a lot of time on check outs. It didn't all get done. We've got a new girl, Rachel, occasionally working in with us. She used to work the bakery in a smaller store. At first I was worried that I'd be replaced, but I'm contracted for 32 hours so I can't be given any less than that. She was in today, packing cookies, and oh my god she was so fucking slow. So I think I'm safe. The roster for next week only had me for 32 hours, and so I was a little worried, but apparently my roster is the same as it has been for the last few weeks, so nothing to worry about I guess. Mel is still slightly annoying, but I'm trying to adopt an attitude of learned helplessness and apathy. On Mondays I now just work with her, Laura, and myself. Last Monday was ok. It wasn't too bad.

Laura is actually kind of a triggering person to be around. She talks a lot about weight and food, and how she can't eat because it's almost summer and she's put on weight and she doesn't want to put on more weight, and she doesn't want to eat certain things at all. I try to tell her that she should be kinder to her body and eat whatever she wants whenever she wants and all in moderation and health and happiness is better than the number and that this is the only body she'll have so she should learn to love it, but she doesn't always take it on board. It's hard to hear sometimes, because she's just so focused on it. She barely eats at work, and never has lunch. I get a bit worried, but I haven't noticed any blatant eating disorder tells. She doesn't talk about counting calories or severely restricting. She talks about not eating things like chocolates and lollies, and exercising. I just wish that I could help her see herself differently. She is already quite thin, she's smaller than I am, and she has said quite a few times about how I eat so much and stay so skinny. Sometimes it's hard to hear, but sometimes I try to talk to her about it.

Uni is going well. I got 78% for my abnormal essay, and a lot of comments on my writing style. I think I just rushed it and didn't do very well with editing. I got 97% on my abnormal midterm, which is fucking awesome. Granted, I treated it as open book, which I guess it kind of was. We did it on our own time while it was open. And today I got my counselling essay back in the mail with a grade of 84%. I was scared of that one, because I've never written an essay that was so, informal? It wasn't a analyse this and get stats essay, it was a here's two case studies discuss essay. But obviously I can do it. One of the comments was that I showed professional competence. That's pretty cool.

Things with Jes are weird. She bought Abi a plane ticket to go and stay with her for a week. It's been clear for a while now that Jes has just kind of given up on me. Really, ever since she started seeing Loren. We've barely had a conversation since then. She says she's busy with study, and she's living with Loren and her friends and so spends time with Christian every afternoon. And like yea, I get she's busy. We're all busy. She said that it was too hard to keep up with friends, but really, it was just too hard for her to keep up with me. She's kept close with Abi, obviously. Abi is the new me. And honestly, I didn't think Jes had money to throw around like that, especially when she posted on her private the other day about her father blowing money ridiculously and so money being tight for them. I still have the password to her private, even though she probably thinks I don't check it. I've changed mine now, so she'll probably change hers if she realises.

I'm actually more ok with it than I thought. It's been ages since we've had a decent conversation. She hooked up with Loren, lied to me about it, became distant, and it went from there. She stopped telling me things. I stopped trying because she obviously wasn't. And then she "found out" how I used to feel about her, how I wanted her and was sad that she was with Loren. Like, as if she didn't fucking know that. As if she hadn't known how I felt since ages ago. As if she didn't know when she constantly told me how one day she'd sleep with me, when I found out she cheated on Cass and I said I was sad it wasn't with me. But I don't even feel that anymore. I'm not even really sad that we're barely friends. She stopped trying, so I stopped. Yea, we were close, but we haven't been for quite a while. I cared about her, but I don't really anymore. I never knew exactly what I felt for her, and I still don't. Normally her relationships go out with a bang, because she's borderline and so a bit unstable emotionally and interpersonally, but this one just kind of faded out. I don't even know if she cares. As far as I know, she rarely keeps friends longer than a few years, the exception being her closest male friend. I've seen her go through quite a few friends, and now I'm one of them. But oh well. I'm not going to waste my time caring if she doesn't, and it really seems that she doesn't. It seems like she hasn't for a while.

I need to surround myself with people who are good for me. For a while, Jes wasn't. Alex is. Milly is. And I'm slowly getting closer to Janika, which is lovely. I do still plan to go and see her, she's in Sydney for good now. She's been in and out of hospital again, and I get so worried about her because she's so determined to self destruct. She assures me that she's safe sometimes, and other times I wait on edge for texts from her. I still just have no idea how I feel about her either, but at least she's single if anything was ever to eventuate. I just have no idea. At the moment I'm just planning to go and meet her at some point soon.

17:02

anger

I write about things as they happen on tumblr, with the result that I rarely write about anything on here.

So David happened. Again. He messaged me the other day saying that he'd found some more of my things, that he'd drive them up. So I was angry. Really angry. I mean seriously, it has nearly been two years since he left me, and he hasn't found a single afternoon in all that time to go through the things in his back room to separate out my stuff from his. I thought when I went down in March, it was to get all of my things. I thought that was how the plan was supposed to go. But here I am, in fucking September, with him still having more of my stuff. He is just so incompetent. Is he doing this just so he can keep shoving himself back in to my life? Is this a control thing? I kept asking him to tell me when he was leaving (for a holiday to America), so that I could just go down and get it myself, seeing as how he can't do it. But he refused to tell me. I must have asked him at least ten times. I was angry. It got nasty. He told me I needed help, making more cracks on my mental stability after the man left me to kill myself. Like, how fucking dare he? I am not unreasonable in being completely irate for the fact that he has failed to do one simple thing he said he would do. I am not unreasonable for being completely irate about how and why he left me. But he doesn't see that, all he thinks is that I'm unstable and stupid and unreasonable.

So I got mean. Seriously mean. And it helped, I felt better. And I didn't even care. It felt good to hurt him. If I can hurt him even a tiny fraction of the amount that he hurt me, than good. I told him that he only "went out of his way" (his words, not mine) to help me when I went to get my stuff in March was because I let him think that things were ok. It wasn't really how it went down at the time, but it's how I feel now. He was a little shocked. I basically said that I talked to him, sent him nudes, "shared secrets", "let him believe we were friends", and fucked him just to get my stuff back. Which yea, is how I feel about it now.

And then he told me that he still loves me. Cue the "I'm sorry and I fucked up and I want to make it better" and seriously, I am so sick of hearing it. He fucked up. He fucked up beyond repair. I am so sick of him bringing it up, and telling me he loves me? What even is that? He messages me, gets upset when I get reasonably angry at him, takes cheap shots at my mental stability, gets upset when I say mean things that aren't completely unreasonable for me to say, and then to counter that, tells me that he still loves me and wants to talk about things rationally. As soon as I start acting like he is, then it's time to sit down and talk about things like adults. I don't think so. I don't want to talk about things. I am so down with talking about things. I just want my things back, and I'll be quite happy to never see him again. I don't care that he still loves me. I don't care that he's upset about how things turned out, about the choices that only he made that influenced how things turned out. I just simple do not care. It took me a hell of a long time to get over this, to be ok with how he left me and I how felt. Not to mention the fact that my crippling depression "forced" this. As if that was something I needed on top of him leaving. It had taken me up until a couple of months ago to even feel remotely like a person again. And now I'm on meds that are working and in therapy and I'm functioning and things are ok, and he does this, again. I am finally at a place where I am fine with the fact that he left me, happy about it even (because if he didn't, I'd probably be worse and have never gotten to this point with myself), and he just jumps in with more of my stuff and his incompetence, and his "I still love you" lines and seriously, I could not care less.

So anyway. When I go down for Fall Out Boy I'll be getting my stuff. I don't even know what's there, but it's obvious that I don't miss it. I told him I'd drive down and get it, and he refused to tell me when he wouldn't be there. And I'm refusing to have him drive up here. Mostly just because I don't want to have him here, and because I'm really not even sure he would. I mean, it's been two years nearly. How am I supposed to believe him? I did suggest to him that he just sort it out and take it to Alex's so that I could just pick it up whenever, but he ignored me. And so I'll get it when I'm there for the concert, take it to Alex's and sort through it and decide what to bring back on the plane. I know that Alex won't mind keeping stuff for me, especially because I'll be back there two weeks after. Hopefully I will not have to spend any more time with him than necessary to just somehow get my stuff from Haberfield to Lilyfield. As it stands, I'm not sure how that will happen. Maybe Mel will drive it? I don't want David to drive me because then he might just not leave, and I really do not want to spend time with him.

I just want to get my things back and then never really have to talk to him again. I am sick of him and of this situation and of his attempts to fix the unfixable. I won't forgive him for what he did, and it's ridiculous for him to expect me to. I don't want to be his friend. I don't ever want to get back with him. In a way, I'm a little happy he's still in love with me, because maybe he'll feel a tiny bit of the pain that I've felt for so long.

Anyway. That was a few days ago and I'm over it now. And I haven't heard from him again since so it's all ok. Other stuff going on is just work and study and going to the gym and trying to stay functional. I've been doing good since I last went downhill, but sometimes I feel it creeping back in, and I try to beat it. I beat it the other day by forcing Mel to slice at work. That was fun.

Things are a bit weird with people. I don't know what's going on with Jes. Most of the time I just don't know what goes on with me and other people. I also don't know what's going on with J. I really want to go and see her, but I'm never certain if she wants me to. I get confused about how I feel about her, about how she might feel about me. Sometimes I get some indications and I think that maybe I should go and see her, maybe she does want to see me, maybe something could happen, but I never feel like I know for sure. Add on top of the fact that she's been in and out of hospital lately, and she doesn't always reply to messages, and so I just don't know. I do want to see her. I do want to think that something could eventuate, but I don't know. I just don't know, and I just want to know. I really, really want to know. (But maybe it would be silly to try to pursue something, with distance and uncertainty and instability.)

19:27

back

I am so sleepy today.

But I'm back. And it's glorious. I don't know what happened, what brought me back, but the crash is over and all I have to show for it is a bunch of healing cuts on my arm. Maybe it was just time. Maybe it was Mel working half a day on Tuesday and so I spent the other half with Anjina and Laura and felt like I wasn't invisible anymore. Maybe it's because the cleaning we did on Monday was supposed to be "shared", but I scrubbed trays for three hours and Mel put away the wrapping, and then wiped a bench. And then on Tuesday Mel scrubbed trays for three hours and I cleaned benches. That was probably it. I always feel so much better at work when Mel isn't there. She wasn't there on Thursday either. She had the procedure to remove the fetuses, and then apparently had a bad reaction to the anesthetic, and then has been in hospital most of the week. It is pretty terrible, I'll admit, but I really just don't care. I don't feel sorry for her, or bad for her, I just feel meh about the whole thing. And now I don't have her leaving to look forward to. Of course they'll try again, maybe soon a pregnancy will stick. But it'll be this all over again, the telling everybody, announcing it on facebook, lapping up the attention.

Anyway, I am so glad I feel better again. It's another thing that makes me think that these meds are actually working. Sure I've had a lot of back steps these past few weeks, and this week was the worst I've had in ages, but I'm doing better now. I was going to cancel the psych appointment on Tuesday, but I went anyway. Not that we're really getting anywhere. She's all like "you know the things you can do to change things, you just won't do them." Basically, those things are moving out of this house and/or just cleaning up all mum's stuff and getting it out of the house. And finding nonexistent LGBTQI* social groups. I say nonexistent, because once I found a page for a local group that hadn't seen activity in like 16 months. Of course, there are non-straight people in this town, I just don't know any, and this town isn't big enough for the kinds of groups you'd get in a place like Sydney.

Anyway, I am still planning on driving down to Western Sydney to meet and stay with Janika for a few days. I think I like her. I think it could develop. It'd just be really hard because she'll be living in Sydney (I think, maybe Newcastle) after she does this house sitting thing, and I don't know if a relationship with her would really be workable. I am really, really excited at the idea of going to meet her. She's such a lovely girl.

I went to the morning yoga class today, which I'd decided to skip because the first few times I went to it the class was really easy. I went today cause it's Rick's birthday and so I was doing gifting and cake this afternoon. I was also supposed to hang with Milly, but then she had to help out her mum (so tomorrow). It was a hard, hard class today. I think that's why I'm so sleepy. A lot of down dogs and lunges and planks and my whole body aches, but it's nice. I can see me getting stronger and more flexible. I can now successfully go from high plank to low plank and hold it before releasing on to the floor. Plus the girl that runs the morning class is seriously attractive. But there was a tonne of people in the class this morning, and this group of three girls and a boy, and they giggled through the whole class. There was a couple of times, with a few of the harder positions (like balancing on your hands) that a lot of the class laughed at, but it just annoyed me. Like, yoga is supposed to be calming and relaxing. Not giggling and talking.

Study is going well. Semester begins up again on Monday and I'm now a week ahead. I got my marks back for my abnormal essay, and I only got 78, which is a distinction, but I was still disappointed. I thought I would have done better. My second abnormal essay is due in two weeks and I think I'll start it in the next few days. I'll try to really work on it. I have no idea when I'll get the marks for the counselling essay. I aced the multiple choice part of the abnormal midterm (58/60), but I really want to know how I did on the short answers. I should get high marks for them. I'm hoping for a high distinction. Hoping.

That's another thing with Nell on Tuesday. She kept talking about how I was finishing this year, but I'm not. I need to figure it all out again, but I know I won't finish until at least half way through next year. She kept asking if I was going to move to Armidale to do honours full time. Anyway, as much as this house sucks, I think it would be more stressful for me to completely pack up and move to a different town, even if it is just Armidale. I'd have to find somewhere to live, get a job transfer, deal with the guilt that mum will pile on me for leaving her house and her with two mortgages and my "lack of help" with this house, not to mention the fact that nobody else helps her, as if that's my fault.

Anyway, I plan to do more of the cleaning out and up and organising and shit after this semester is over. Of course I'm planning on doing NaNoWriMo again, but after that it'll be at least two months for me to do nothing study related (except maybe, think about honours and ideas if I'm still planning on doing it). I am hoping to do something. To get somewhere. To get mum to start doing things. She keeps saying she's so busy and doesn't have time, and you know what, I don't either. Sure, I don't have kids, but I work full time, and I study, but this house is ridiculous, and her house is going the same way, and she's not just going to magically find time, she has to make time. This shit has to get done. She has to realise that I am not going to live in this house forever, and this house cannot stay the way it is. I need a life. And that life includes a house that isn't full of shit so that when I do meet somebody, or get more friends, I can invite people over and not need to shut every door in the house, or really, just invite people over.

Anyway, about Jes. This isn't going on the tumblr, cause she reads it. Ever since I wrote about how I felt about her on the 8th, about distancing myself because she's with Loren and happy and it makes me a little sad (ok, it used to make me a lot sad), and how I hated that she kept saying she wanted to fuck me when she was with Cass, and how she cheated on Cass, and then didn't really finish that sentence, we've barely talked. She texted me yesterday, saying that she missed me. Like, I haven't gone anywhere, she's just been busy. And I know she's taken on a huge study load, and a lot of her time is taken up with Christian because she's not living at home, but it doesn't take long to send a text or two every so often. I gave up initiating conversations because it got to the point where I felt like she just wasn't even bothered to be my friend anymore. I feel very replaced, by this girl Abi, that lives in Melbourne. Apparently they're like besties now, and like, sure Jes is busy, but she's obviously keeping up with Abi, like she used to keep up with me. She said she was going to distance herself when she read what I wrote, which was eight days after I wrote it. By that time I was already feeling replaced and distanced, and really, I think the feelings that I had for her have faded quite away. I got myself to the point I wanted to get to, where I wasn't sad that she was with Loren (well, not terribly sad), where it was ok that I know she's never going to be with me, not even just once. When she messaged me yesterday, she was like "I know you think I've stopped caring about you, but I haven't," but it really feels like she has. I got too close, too involved, and she "realised" (as if she didn't know, as if she's never known) and backed off, and now I've been replaced. And it's kind of gotten to the point now where I'm not terribly bothered. In all but two of my friendships (the two being Alex and Milly), this has always happened, in one way or another. It's like everybody gets sick of me, I get to be too much work, people just fade away, like I'm not interesting or nice enough to keep them. It happens, it happens to me a lot, and it sucks, but I'm used to it, and I expect it. And so even though Jes and I used to be really close, we're not now, and it's kind of her fault, even though for a while now I've felt like she doesn't want me, and so I backed off initially. I always think that if somebody wants you in their life enough, they'll make sure you stay. And she kind of, hasn't. So I don't know where we'll go from here, whether she'll keep bothering to text me in her very busy study and life schedule (that she can still talk to Abi in of course, just not me). I'm not going to push it. I know this is what I do, and it's not necessarily conducive to forming stable relationships, but I feel unwanted and replaced, and she knows this, and honestly, it's up to her to make me feel that she wants me in her life. I just hate putting effort in and feeling like it's useless. 

19:30. 

tired

I am so, so sick of this cycling thing I'm doing. I am up and then I'm down and then I'm neutral and then I want to kill myself and then I'm lost and a bit hazy and generally apathetic but ok. That's how my week went.

Thursday was seriously fucked for some reason I don't even know. Mel was at work and it just hit me how unnoticed I am and how under appreciated and I am and how everybody loves Mel and then it extends to everybody I know instead of just work people and every situation. Like how Milly has Joe and Jes has Loren (and I miss her but she's so busy caught up in all of the good things that I just get left, which is relevant for everybody) and Alex has, well I think she's flirting with another girl on tumblr. And all these people have other better people they can hang out with, and nobody talks to me at work if I don't throw myself in to a conversation. I just feel completely invisible so much of the time.

And so on Thursday I came home from work and sat around doing nothing, until I decided to cut myself, and then I went to buy some vodka. I didn't get drunk or anything, I just had two drinks, but the result was the same, which is me feeling pathetically worthless and like living is just a stupid idea. Friday was ok I guess. Yesterday was fucked.

Mel lost the babies (they're not even babies at six fucking weeks, they're balls of cells) on Friday. I read about it on facebook yesterday morning (50+ comments on that status, yea she loves the attention, and no, the world isn't to blame). And like yea, of course, it's absolutely terrible. I get that. I didn't think she'd be at work, but she was. And then Adam set up a shit tonne of work to do; eight boxes of cookies, sliced 12 boxes of sponge cakes. And then they left. Mel was supposed to work to 1:30, but left at 10:30. If she wasn't going to stay the whole day, she shouldn't have turned up at all. Laura and I had so much shit to do that Adam set up, which he shouldn't have if he knew Mel was leaving with him. The check outs were fucked. I had an argument with the store manager about us constantly going to service because we were two down with tonnes of work to do. He didn't care. I argued with Brett all afternoon. In the end he said he didn't want to pay overtime, and so we left everything. I stopped caring. I still don't care.

Today Brett sliced the bread, which he never does. He didn't say a word for the first three hours I was there. You could tell we were pissed at each other. I did say some pretty rude shit about Mel yesterday. But seriously. I get that it's awful, but I am just so sick of her shit. Turning up and leaving on her own schedule, not even bothering to tell us when she's doing what or when she's leaving. Spending her work hours baking personal cakes that she does not pay for. Only doing the jobs she wants to do. Taking personal calls in front of customers. Posting ambiguous shit on her facebook that I'm certain is directed at me (we're not friends). Like, I'm not pissed just because she took half a day off yesterday after a tragedy, she just shouldn't have come in at all. Like yea, she lost a pair of fetuses (feti?), I lose the will to live almost hourly in that place, and I still work everyday. I'm more pissed about Adam  setting up all that work that we then couldn't get done. It's more about the organisation of the place, and how they get away with absolutely everything. I am sick of Mel's shit that occurs every single day, not just yesterday because she lost her pregnancy. And seriously though, she was telling every fucking person and their dog as soon as she was six days pregnant. Almost half of all pregnancies spontaneously self abort in the first trimester. That's why people wait until 12 weeks to tell people.

Laura, Di and I had a good bitch about Mel yesterday. But none of it makes any difference because despite how she acts, and despite the fact that Brett knows, he lets her get away with it. And also, I fucking hate Karen. Sometimes I think my working there is just a race to see whether I'll commit suicide or homicide first.

Other than that, things are meh. I go up, I come down, I hover around a low mid point. I keep thinking that this is it, the meds aren't working anymore, maybe they need to be upped. I need to go to the doctor to get a new script anyway so maybe we'll talk about it. I see Nell on Tuesday too. And well, I did cut myself again. It's been a while since I've done that.

I haven't got results for my assignments yet, which sucks. I aced the abnormal multiple choice midterm, 58 out of 60 correct. There's still four 10 mark questions to get marked. My counselling essay was pretty easy once I got started, but I'm still a bit iffy on how well I wrote it considering it's far less formal than what I'm used to. Even though I'm on uni holidays I started the next chapter anyway. Then I'll be ahead and if I don't have it to do I think I go a little crazy.

Janika is in hospital again, and I'm worried about her. I'm not sure how long she'll be there, and if she'll still be house sitting, so I don't know when I'll get to go down there. Plus I don't know where exactly in Sydney she's house sitting. If she's close, maybe I'll stay there when I go down for one of the concerts. I do really want to meet her. I think I may have a crush. I think it's mutual. I feel warm and fuzzy about it sometimes. I just want her to be ok. I wrote her a letter, she said today it made her cry. I just want to hug her and make her feel better!

I am tired. Not just tired as in sleepy, tired as in entering a state of learned helplessness regarding work. Tomorrow I work with Anjina, Mel (maybe, Brett reckons she won't turn up, I think she will), and Adam, doing day shift instead of Brett. It is going to be so. much. fun.

15:35

why does this happen?

I just really don't know what's going on lately. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I'm up and down and up and down and I never know if any of it's real or if any of it is going to last. I'm tired of it. I just want to be stable. Stable up, or stable down, just stable. Right now I can't tell if I'm miserable because I'm on my period, or because my meds need upping and I've hit the ceiling with them, or because I'm spiralling again, or because things are just shit and I'm just reacting normally, and once things stop being shit, I'll be fine again. I just don't know.

It's all work. Well, mostly work. Fucking Mel. It was alright when she first came back, but she's back to doing only what she wants and acting like she owns the place. And Brett buys in to it, he texts her with daily instructions, when I am more qualified and more experienced and better. I do what needs doing. She does what she wants and that's it. I should be the one in charge when Brett's not there. I hate working with her. I hate that he prefers her over me. That everybody prefers her over me. Case in point, Anjina called her last night, to tell her that she wouldn't be back today. It just hits home how much of a group everybody is and I am always outside. Ignored. Overlooked. And sure, Anj probably only called her because Mel's probably looking after her pets, but still. I am on the outside. It's almost as if I am invisible. Case in point, fucking Jenny, one of the bread reps. A few weeks ago she just decided to not talk to Anjina and me. I have no idea why. I have no idea what I did that offended her so much, but she just breezes in and out pretending that I'm not even there. She'll say hello to Brett, fawn over Mel because she's pregnant, but I just get stared straight through. It's fucking annoying because that is how I feel with everybody. I'm there, but I'm not good enough for anybody. Not good enough to be relied upon, even though Brett maintains that I can't have time off because the place wouldn't run without me. Not good enough at anything, for anything. I'm invisible and worthless, but still treated like I'm needed, while at the same time not being needed. It's just, ugh. I hate it. I hate me. I hate them. Why don't people like me?

And, just to make everything better. Laura's been contracted for 38 hours, which means that I should be recontracted now too (something about them not liking us doing 38 hours when we're not contracted for that much). Anyway, the point is, that Laura's been contracted for Mondays, and apparently Brett's not working Mondays anymore. So instead of me and Brett, it's going to be me, Laura, and Mel. And Mel and I will "take it in turns" to do the freezer loads and stuff, but that's not the point. The point is that she's going to act like she's in charge and Brett's going to act like she's in charge and ugh. I know I just need to drop it, and I've been trying, but I don't know how. It really, really bothers me that she's preferred over me. It really, really bothers me.

So I don't know if I'm going to get back to feeling happy. I've had a headache since I woke up at midnight last night with one. I don't know if I've been miserable because I've had a headache, or if I've had a headache all day because I've been miserable.

Other things are going alright I guess. I feel socially isolated. I haven't had a good chat with Jes in ages. And Janika's been admitted again so I'm worried about her. Milly is happy with Joe. Alex has Ben and the baby and a potential new sister. And I don't know, I just feel like everybody has all of these other, better people they'd rather know and talk to and hang out with. I feel lonely.

Study is going ok I guess. I've got a midterm to do today or tomorrow. My counselling essay is due on Wednesday and I'm hoping to work a lot on it tomorrow. 

16:51

lonely

Yesterday was shit. This morning was pretty crappy too. I keep catching myself thinking that this wont last, that it can't last. Every minor road bump spirals me down thinking that maybe this is it, the end of the good days, the end of who I have become now. I need to stop thinking like that, because I know that if I continue thinking this way, of course it's going to end. I'll set myself up for it.

I know what set me off yesterday. I went over to Milly's and we watched the first episode of Orange is the New Black, and it was good, looks like it'll be a great tv show. But it's heavily lesbian, and honestly, it makes me really sad. Sad because I am single, and I have no prospects. Sad because I know I've withdrawn a lot from Jes lately because I'm trying to change how I view her, trying to figure out exactly what my feelings are for her. Because she has Loren, and she cheated on Cass, but, yea. Because I will probably never get to sleep with her, or kiss her, or date her. And so I need to just stop hanging on. And it means I'm a bit distant, but it's only temporary. Sad also because of Milly. Because I miss her, I miss what we used to be when I was with Tom, that weekend when I was with David when I came home. I miss kissing her, and touching her, and having her. But that's an idea long gone as well, with life things happening. Luke, and Oli, and now Joe, and me not wanting to pursue things between Luke and Joe because I didn't want to ruin the friendship in any way when we're so close and Oli is my godson. And so I know that it's stupid to keep thinking these things, but I do occasionally. And I need to stop, because it brings me down.

But sometimes I just get really down about it. How am I supposed to meet new people? How am I supposed to find a girlfriend in this town? I just hope that one day I will, somehow. I'm probably just still too afraid to think about making a move on somebody in real life. There was a really pretty girl at yoga last night that I wanted to talk to, but I didn't. I just don't know how to talk to girls that I don't already know. I have no idea how to gauge if someone is same sex interested without directly asking them, which just seems far too awkward for me to do with random girls. So I don't know what will happen with me. Maybe one day I'll decide to pay for the pink sofa website and find girls to chat with on there. OKCupid has been a total bust, with this stupid town. Maybe I'll move to Sydney again in the future and find someone.

Speaking of Sydney. Fucking David. I posted on facebook just generally asking whether I should take another trip to Sydney this year, and David messaged, asking why I was going down so many times in the next few months (Fall Out Boy on October 25 - fuck yea I got a ticket I was so fucking excited, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus on November 14 - which I just pledged for a ticket for, Kitty's wedding on November 23, and hopefully a trip down at the end of this month to meet Janika), and then to offer his services re driving in the city again and a place to stay. I'm actually planning on driving myself down (eek driving in Sydney!) and staying with Alex. He just doesn't seem to get it. He's nothing if not fucking persistent, but at least it's at a level I can deal with. At least he's not messaging me once a week or every second day. I don't plan on seeing him at all, not once in the four times I'm planning to go down there.

Anyway. I think I got a bit off topic. After a day at work I'm feeling much better, and the excitement of The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and talking to Alex about when I'm going down there and Kitty's wedding, and just now Jes has decided that her and Loren are going to come to TRJA with me, I am feeling more like myself. The other day Alex said she was proud of me for how well I'm doing, and I'm proud of me too. I just really hope that I can hold on to it. I just need to keep remembering that there are good things in my life, despite all of the bad. And this medication really has been wonderful. Maybe I'll stay on it forever (probably not). I just want to be better. I actually really like the person I am becoming. I eat better. I go to the gym regularly. I am more sociable. More motivated. More functional. I want to stay like this. 

17:09

disagreements

Over the last few days, I've come to realise that I get in to a lot of disagreements with people. Mostly at work. They're nice disagreements though. Brett and Anj yesterday told me that I disagree with everybody all the time, which I don't (haha), but I do a lot of the time. And you know what, that's ok. I like to think that maybe I can teach people a few things from time to time. These arguments are never really heated.

Things like getting up Brett when he says something that could be taken as homophobic. A lot of the time it's me explaining how something could be offensive. And arguing trying to get people to be more open minded and accepting. It's mostly just me trying to explain things. Because I know in the context of work and the department and this small town, I'm quite an unusual person, with unusual ideals and very, very open minded attitudes. And I believe that everybody should think that way, because there are so many things that people say here without even realising it's offensive. There are a lot of attitudes that I like to challenge. Like sticking up for one of the guys when he goes on a little split with his wife because he was having an affair, but they have an arrangement, so they all think she can't do that, and so I have to explain that even in open relationships, cheating is still a thing. And that yes, that comment you made was offensive, and you could word it better without being a douche bag. And me defending my right to fuck David and not have him think that there's anything to it. Yes, women can have casual sex too, and there's nothing wrong with it.

And things like people's attitudes towards me when they find out I've had threesomes. Today Anjina goes "normal people don't do that, that's weird, real people don't do that." And so I challenge her. What's wrong with it? I know people who do it. There's nothing wrong with it. Just because she wouldn't, because she's from a different generation, with completely different ideals, who would never think about doing something like that. That's ok, but there's no need to tell me that I'm abnormal for doing something that you wouldn't do, that many other people do and see nothing wrong with. And things like challenging sexuality and erasure. I mentioned yesterday about the girl that Carly wanted to set me up now, and how she started seeing somebody else, a boy. And Anjina goes "but I didn't think she was like that", as if you can't be bisexual or pansexual if you date someone of a different gender. My sexuality isn't erased when I enter in to a relationship. I still love girls if I'm dating a boy. My sexuality doesn't change. And people can go from being more interested in girls to more interested in boys and back. Bisexuals get a lot of this, because when we enter in to a relationship, we're automatically assumed to be gay or straight, depending on the partner. Biphobia is not cool, and it's very real, and very hurtful. And erasure is not cool also.

I think I launch in to one of these rants at least once a day. I just did one on the uni discussion boards, which I don't normally use unless it's a burning question for assignments. Someone asked how abnormal is abnormal, given the unit is called abnormal psychology and not psychopathology. And so somebody mentioned measuring abnormality with things people can or can't do. But that's not it, that's not the whole story. Some people are very good at fronting, like I used to be (which I don't think I am so good at now when I'm down). Some people can be very mentally ill and still function. I've been suicidal and completely lost the will to live, and I still went to work and studied (and did well) and although I wasn't up there with eating and exercise and personal hygiene, if you were just observing me randomly, I probably wouldn't seem sick. Some people are good at being functional while being really ill, others aren't. A measure of functionality isn't really an accurate measure of illness.

Anyway. I do hope that I can manage to educate at least a few people. And I think that I do, sometimes. Brett's better with his comments. I try to explain things to Anjina but I know she doesn't really understand. That person on youtube last week said I helped them. I think I manage it. And hey, if I have educated at least one person and made one person more aware of how they think and that sometimes their attitudes are wrong, than I am happy with that. And of course, I know that I am far from perfect. And I do hope that if I ever offend somebody, that someone can be patient with me and explain it to me until I see where I've gone wrong. 

15:26

frustrated

I just really, really want to have sex right now.

And I have no one.

I'm craving sex with a boy, just because I want it rough. Like, I want to be had. Rough, easy, great sex. Maybe tomorrow I'll crave a girl, but I always desire girls with a more passionate desire. For long, passionate, drawn out, amazing sex. Boys, I just want to use boys. Girls, I want to fuck a girl for hours.

And seriously. I have nobody. I know nobody. I'm seriously considering trying to get Josh. Like, I'm having Saturday off (again woot) cause Anj is swapping me, so I think I'll go out drinking on Friday night. I messaged Carly, just cause I don't really have anyone else to do drinking with. Maybe I should tell Josh to meet me out or something? I don't know.

I seriously just want to be fucked. Seriously.

(I wonder if J will fuck me when I go to visit her?)

16:49